Bob's Saucer Repair
Date: 2019-06-19T18:00:00+00:00
Keywords: Science Fiction
Description: Bob thought he was doing fine on his own. Then the love of his life fell out of the sky. Can he get her back in the air with auto parts and a cutting torch? If he does, will she ever come back? Nikki took a job before she saw the equipment. Can she keep her passengers alive on a strange planet? Are the natives friendly?" John is doing well with his underground medical practice, when his sometime partner Bob calls him with a job. A job that changes everything. **

Bob’s Saucer Repair

by

Jerry Boyd

This book is a work of fiction. All the people, events, and organizations in this book are products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to anything in the real world is purely coincidental.

Copyright © 2019 Jerry Boyd

Cover image and design by Covers Girl ©Covers Girl 2019

all rights reserved.

This book may not be reproduced, stored, or transmitted, whole or in part, by any means whatsoever without prior written consent of the author and publisher.

Dedicated to my long-suffering wife, Donna, and my beta readers, Bernard, Karen, and James.

I was driving home Friday night. It had been a busy week at work, and all I was thinking about was the chili in the crock pot, and the beer in the fridge. Pulling into the driveway, I hit the remote for the garage door. There sat a flying saucer, complete with a little green man chest deep in an access panel.

As the truck stopped, I slid out to find out what was going on. Turns out I had been wrong, as she was neither green nor male. As she pulled her head out, she grabbed a rag and wiped the antifreeze off her arm.

Wondering which gadget on her belt was the ray gun she was going to use to stun me and wipe my memory, I stood trying to act calm. Her lips moved, and then I heard “Guten tag”. A Wolfenstein flashback kept me from responding. She tinkered with something on her badge. Her lips moved again, and then I heard “Parle vous Francais?”. I remembered enough high school French for “Je ne parle pas”.

Again with the tinkering, and the kung fu movie delay, “Habla Espanol?”. On a little steadier ground, I said “No, Hablo Ingles.” More tinkering, and “G'day mate”.

“Do you have a North American setting?”, I asked, glad to be making progress. “How's this?”, she asked.

“Very nice, thank you. Having car trouble?” She looked confused for a moment, then figured out what I meant. “Yes, a fitting blew out and it lost most of the coolant. I thought I could get it back in the air before anyone got home, but it's worse than I first believed.”

“I guess a garage door opener isn't much of a hack for somebody who flies a saucer?”

“The computer handled it. I'm just a driver.”

“So you have passengers on board?”

“No. Already dropped the little snots off. Grad students, researching for their theses.”

“Isn't there someone you can call to help?”

“Nope. The snots grant barely covered me and this junk heap.”

Wondering what to do next, I realized the most important thing was to keep her little visit secret. Nobody deserves captivity at Area 51 just for car trouble. "We better put the door back down so nobody sees your vehicle. I'll move the truck around back so the neighbors don't wonder why it's sitting out. Be back in a few minutes, then maybe we can figure something out."

When I got back, she was looking at a pipe with lots of weird curves and a flange on each end. There seemed to be a chunk the size of a walnut missing out of one of the bends. “May I have a look?”

“Sure. Just looks like despair to me.”

It felt about the right weight to be aluminum, but I figured it had to be some strange alien alloy not available here. The edges of the hole looked like plain old metal fatigue had gotten the best of it. “I'm guessing this rig doesn't have the best maintenance history?”

“Wouldn't know. It's not even the same model the paperwork calls for.”

“I've driven stuff like that, but I can walk.”

“I know. Didn't see it till after I took the job.”

“Tell you what, why don't we clean up and have some supper. Everything looks easier on a full stomach.”

“Oh, exotic primitive food! Just let me grab some antidiarrheal meds, and I'll be right with you.”

“Well, you could eat whatever you brought with you.”

“Joking! Are all earthlings as sensitive as you?”

“I'm still a little off balance. First contact and all that, you know? You want a shower before we eat?”

“Shower?”

“You know, water, soap, hygiene, that kind of thing.”

“I don’t have any clean clothes.”

“I’ve got some sweats that might fit, more or less. Will your stuff stand up to a ‘primitive’ washing machine?”

“So I’m going to be paying for that, huh?”

“Yes. Yes, you are.”

Finally, we got to the table for chili and beer. It amazed me how human she looked. Not exactly mainstream, but she could easily pass for Eastern European. “So, are you human, or do you just look that way?”

“Close, but not really. Our scientists think one of our colony ships crashed here. Of course, with the survivors interbreeding with the locals, we’re not the same anymore.”

“Can’t be too different, if they were cross fertile in the first place.”

“I guess you’re right, but it’s above my pay grade.”

“So, what are you supposed to do while your students are researching?”

“Hang out, be ready to extract them if things go sideways.”

“Can’t do that with a broken ride. There’s room to stay aboard that little saucer?’

“Like I said, I didn’t see it till after I took the job. Are you really this calm about finding an alien in your garage? I thought Earth people were pretty uptight about that sort of thing.?”

“Well, the fact you look so human sure doesn’t hurt. Besides, I was raised to help people in trouble. Mostly, it just hasn’t sunk in that I’m sitting here with someone from another planet. I expect when it does I’ll need another beer. Or six.”

“You’re holding it together well. I’m a wreck inside, I don’t know how to fix the saucer without a replacement part. No offense, but I don’t want to get stuck here, and those grad students are really not somebody you want running around freaked out.”

“I can see being concerned for getting home, but it sounds like the students brought it on themselves by not being better prepared. Between the two of us, surely we can get your saucer back in the air.”

“Why do you think you can fix the saucer? It’s alien tech you’ve never even seen before. How do expect to deal with that?”

“It’s a coolant pipe. You don’t need a quantum mechanic to fix the plumbing.”

“What about all the coolant I lost before I landed? You have a case of flying saucer coolant stashed around here someplace?”

“The stuff you wiped off your arm looked like plain old ethylene glycol to me. Is it something more exotic?”

“Aah, no. How do you know chemicals by their appearance? Are you a chemist?”

“Nope. We use the same stuff for coolant in our primitive ground vehicles.”

“Damn! You’re not going to let go of that, are you?”

“Would you?”

“I suppose not. You really think we can get that clunker flying?’

“I’m sure it will be tougher than it looks right now, but I don’t see any reason to think it’s impossible.”

“But the pipe is completely trashed. How can we make it hold coolant again?”

“If there’s enough clearance, and the pipe is close enough to one of our standard sizes, we could probably just cut off the ends and use a flex hose to connect them. If not, we can probably weld up a replacement out of exhaust pipe and use that. Gorilla snot to seal the ends and you’re good.”

“Gorilla snot! You people really are primitive! Don’t you have a better sealant than that?”

“Oh, sorry, forgot you’re not from around here. Gorilla snot is just a nickname we have for one of our popular sealants. It’s rugged stuff.”

“Okay… but why ‘gorilla snot’?”

“It’s messy. If you’re not careful when you apply it, it gets all over and it’s hard to clean up. Also, a gorilla is a strong animal, and this is strong stuff.”

“I think I understand. The translator badge doesn’t handle slang very well.”

“I see that now. Back to the problem though, is there a reason the part was aluminum? Is there a strong magnetic field in that part of the saucer?”

“No. Why would that be an issue?”

“Nearly all the parts we have easily available will be steel. It could distort the field, or if the field was strong enough, it could actually cause our fix to fail.”

“I see. Are there other problems with steel?”

“Steel in an aluminum system will cause it to corrode faster, but that shouldn’t cause problems before you get somewhere to get the right part. We actually have special coolants to keep that from happening, but without knowing more about the system, I’d be afraid to try them.”

“How do you know so much about all this?”

“Driving junk and keeping it on the road. You learn things.”

“I just realized something. We’ve been talking all this time, and I don’t even know your name.”

“Didn’t read the read the mailbox on the way in, huh? I guess you were in a hurry. Bob Wilson, nice to meet you.” I held out my hand to shake, and she looked at it like a day-old carp.

“It’s called shaking hands. Us primitives do it when we meet someone new.”

She grasped my hand warily, and we shook. She said, “Ugh, me Benikkious Slongum.”

“Would it be alright if I just call you Nikki?”

“I suppose.”

“Well, sounds like tomorrow will be a busy day. Are you sleeping in the saucer, or do you want to stay in the house?”

“Would it be okay for me to sleep here? The saucer is pretty cramped.”

“Sure. You can have the bed. I’ll take the couch.”

“I didn’t mean to inconvenience you. I can sleep in the saucer.”

“No, it’s fine. I fall asleep on the couch lots of nights. Not a problem.”

When I woke up, Nikki wasn’t stirring yet, so I slipped around to take care of the necessary, and started some breakfast. Coffee smell worked its magic, and soon she came wandering in.

“Inkious marfoom diddly”

“You forgot your badge”

“Twinkum?”

I pointed to my chest, about where she wore it, and mimed adjusting controls like she did yesterday.

“Snagfart!”, she cursed, and wandered back to the bedroom.

When she wandered back out, she said, “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya!”

“I think you bumped a control. Can you put it back on North America?”

Fiddling with her badge, she mumbled, “Are all Earthlings morning people?”

“Snagfart, no. I just got a head start.”

“Snag… , hey wait a minute, you spoke my language!”

“It’s one of the things us Earthlings are good at, picking up curse words from other languages. You want coffee?”

“Coffee? What’s that?”

“The smell that woke you up. A hot beverage favored by primitive people for waking up in the morning.”

“Asshole! I’ll try some, I guess.”

“The taste is a little bitter. Some people like cream and sugar to take the edge off.”

“Let me try it straight, first.”

“Just be careful not to burn your mouth. Sip it till it cools a little.”

“Mmm, this is good. Why only to wake up?”

“Some people drink it all day. Others say that much caffeine makes them edgy. How do you like your eggs?”

“Eggs?”

“Scrambled it is.”

“Wait, what? I don’t even know what you are asking, and you think you know what I want?”

“No offense. It’s just that if you’ve never had eggs, there’s no reason to do anything fancy.”

“That does make sense, in a primitive sort of way.”

“Now who’s the asshole?”

“You, of course. How else would it be?”

“Ah, the joys of female company.”

“So, what’s your plan for today, Mighty Caveman?”

“Snagfart, you’re good at this. I was going to look at where that part goes in the saucer, and see how much clearance we have to work with. Also, see if there are any hot parts close that would melt a radiator hose. Once we have an idea what we need to do, we can run to the parts store and get what we need to patch it up. Of course, we also need to figure out how much coolant you need to replace what you lost.”

“You’re confusing my poor badge. Catch wind, that’s just wrong. Do you have to use my cussword? The rest of that sounds like you laid awake all night deciding what to do.”

“Nope. Just primitive instinct, I guess.”

“You really do know a little about fixing things, don’t you?”

“Enough to make a living at it.”

After breakfast, I put the dishes in the dishwasher and started her uniform in the washer. Then we wandered out to have a look at the saucer. There was less room to work than a Japanese car. “You guys have trained squids to work on these, right?”

“Tiny robots, actually. You can train squids?”

“It’s a joke. You do have those, don’t you?”

“Alright, Caveman, more fixing, less talking.”

She had pulled two different assemblies just to get that pipe out, revealing a pipe that looked blue from getting hot on a regular basis. Radiator hose was right out. “Looks like we’ll have to weld up a new pipe. There’s not enough room for a flex hose, and it gets too hot besides.”

“How can you tell how hot it gets? It’s cooled off now.”

“See the pretty colors right here? That’s a sign the metal has been hot.”

“If you say so, Caveman.”

“You wanna fix it yourself? Lay off the Caveman already. Bring the bad piece out to the shop so we can measure it and make a list for the store. How many gallons of coolant does this thing need?”

“Gallons?”

“Liters? Cubic Meters? What units are you used to?”

“Billys.”

“That’s nice, can you give me some idea how big a billy is?”

She thought for a minute, and wandered off into the saucer. She came back with a wine bottle, and said, ”This is a half-billy, can you figure from that?”

“Sure, bring it too. How many billys does it take to fill your cooling system?”

She fiddled with a watch-looking thing on her wrist for a minute, mumbling. Finally her face brightened and she said, “12.5 billys, it says here.”

“Okay, that’s a lot, we’ll probably have to buy from several different places to keep from attracting attention.”

“Why would buying too much coolant be a problem? Is it rationed?”

“No, not at all. I held the wine bottle up, and said, “The average car takes three, maybe four of these to fill it up. Buying twenty-five times this much all at once is going to be really odd, and get people wondering what we’re up to. I figured you didn’t really want to attract any undue attention. Was I wrong?”

“No, you’re not wrong.”

“Can I get that notarized?”

“What? You want a legal document saying you’re not wrong? Weird place.”

“Well, you’re female, and you admitted I wasn’t wrong, I just want a record.”

“It’s another joke, isn’t it?”

“Mostly.”

Out in the shop, I filled her half-billy jug with water and poured it into a gallon jug.

“What are you doing, caveman magic?”

“An easy way to get a rough conversion factor between billys and gallons, Space Cadet.”

“Space Cadet, what do you mean? I’ve been flying for several years now.”

“You wanna call me Caveman, fair’s fair.”

Now came the fun part. Trying to figure out how to duplicate that ugly pipe. I grabbed my calipers and a measuring tape, and started drawing out what it would take, with a shopping list growing on another sheet. “There’s a lot of crooked in this pipe, getting the new one to line up right is gonna be a bear.”

“What do large omnivores have to do with fitting pipe?”

“Figure of speech, means it’s going to be an arduous task with lots of opportunities to make mistakes. That badge really isn’t good with slang, is it?”

“No, it’s not. If I had known I would have to communicate this much, I would have done the course the grad students took.”

“Speaking of which, if you go to town with me, you’re either going to have to pretend you can’t talk, or make sure no one sees your mouth when you speak. Regular folks don’t do the kung fu movie thing.”

“What do you mean, ‘kung fu movie’?”

“Years ago, a lot of martial arts movies were made in a place called Hong Kong. They were all in Chinese, of course, so to be shown here they had a new soundtrack with people speaking English. Chinese, generally, is wordier than English, so the actors’ lips would continue moving after their lines had been spoken. It’s somewhat similar to the effect of watching you speak through your badge.”

“So your people don’t have machine translation?”

“Small enough to be portable, no.”

“So how do you plan to get all those curves in the pipe right?”

“I’m probably going to have to build a jig of some kind to hold the joints in the right place while I weld them. One of these curves has a tighter radius than anything I can buy pre-bent, so that’s going to be an issue.”

“Can you get it to work?”

“How else do we get you home? We keep working till it fits.”

Once I finished the list, it was obvious that antifreeze wasn’t the only thing that was going to be suspicious. Nobody uses that many exhaust pipe bends on a project. I was going to have to go to a lot of parts stores to keep this from looking odd. I decided it would probably be better to drive into Springfield, where the counter guys don’t know me. Also might be a good idea to go by the ATM, so I didn’t leave a credit card trail. I felt like I should put on my tinfoil hat, but I sure didn’t want to get Nikki in trouble.

“The more I think about it, I think you should stay here while I go to town.”

“Ashamed of me already, Caveman? I knew it couldn’t last.” She put on this fake hurt expression, and I was amazed how something like that could be the same from such different cultures.

“Oh no, only thinking of your dignity, milady. Wouldn’t want you to have to be seen with a Caveman, after all.”

“Snagfart! You lay it on thick, don’t you?”

“You figured out how to get it to pass words untranslated? Impressive!”

“I think you primitives say, Read The ‘Fine’ Manual.”

“Yes, yes we do, Space Cadet.”

I put Nikki’s uniform in the dryer, and got ready to leave. “Is there anything else you need while I’m out?”

“Don’t think so. Any special instructions?”

“When the dryer makes a rude noise, it means your clothes are dry. It would probably be better if you stayed in one of the buildings as much as possible, so someone doesn’t see you and get curious. Other than that, nothing I can think of.”

“Not even, don’t drink all the beer?”

“If you need a buzz, go for it. Being stuck like this has to be stressful. Be back as soon as I can.”

I hit the drive-thru ATM in town and then got on the highway. I realized I would need some way to get directions, and still in tinfoil hat mode, I didn’t want to use my phone, so I stopped at a library and used one of their computers. I got a few funny looks for writing things down, instead of paying to print them, but nothing serious.

Every Wal Mart sold me a gallon or two of antifreeze without a second thought. I put them in the toolbox, so it wouldn’t look strange. After three auto parts places, I had enough exhaust pipe bends to make the new piece, with a few for mistakes, because Murphy is my shepherd, I shall not want.

By the time I got back towards home, I was getting hungry, so I hit a drive through for lunch. I pulled around back, and wandered in the house. “Hey, Nikki, I brought lunch, are you hungry?”

“Snagfart! Not so loud!”

“You hung over already?”

“I wish. Ow, my head!”

When I found her in the living room, she was sitting in the recliner with her head in her hands. “Damn. That looks like it hurts. You need some aspirin or something?”

“Already took something. It should kick in soon.”

Just then it struck me, No more kung fu movie. “What did you do? Your mouth matches your words now.”

“I took the damn language course. Teaching machine always gives me a headache.”

“So where does it hurt?”

“MY HEAD! Dumbass!”

“I know. Back, front, sides, where?”

“Front, I guess. What does it matter?”

“That probably means muscle tension, I might be able to help.”

I went behind the chair, and gently laid my hands on her trapezius muscles. As expected, you could have bounced a quarter off them. “You don’t like the teaching machine, so you let it get you all uptight. Give me a little bit, maybe I can loosen these rocks up.”

“What? Caveman medicine? What next, we burn the sheep guts?”

“Snagfart! I knew I forgot to get something in town! Now I have to go back for sheep guts.”

“Funny. Hey that does feel good.”

About the time my thumbs were ready to fall off, Nikki said, “Wow! My headache’s gone! Thanks!”

Pouring a glass of water, I said “Here, drink this.”

“More Caveman magic?”

“Just helps your system clear out the aftereffects of all that tension.”

“How do you know about this stuff?”

“Dated a Physical Therapist for a while.”

Apparently, the local burger joint is up to galactic standards, anyway Nikki’s burger disappeared quick enough. After lunch, we went out to the shop.

“Hope I have enough MDF on hand to build a jig for this. Every time I look at it, it’s worse.”

“Mastodon dental floss?”

“You are feeling better. Medium density fiberboard. It’s cheap and easy to work with. As long as I don’t get it too hot tacking the joints together, it should work fine.”

The flanges I bought just needed to be opened up a little to match the old piece. Then I started on the jig.

“Gee, Caveman, is that like a Voodoo doll or something?”

“I’m making it fit the old part. Then I can make the new part to fit the jig. Then I can check against the saucer to see how far off it is. Then I grind loose a couple of tack welds and try again. Straightforward, but not easy.”

Once the jig was finished, I handed Nikki a pair of welding goggles. She asked, “Are these really dark enough to weld with?”

“I’m old-fashioned. It’ll be fine.”

I rolled out the torch cart and put on my tinted face shield. When I lit the torch, she said, “Ooh, fire! What’s next, a wheel?”

“Ha ha. Some people like Mig better, but this is what I learned on.”

After a bunch of tack welds, and some slicing and bending to get the right curves, I was ready for a test fit.

“Let’s go see how this works.”

“But it’s not sealed up! It’ll leak like crazy.”

“It’s not done, I just need to make sure it fits before I finish the welds.”

We hooked it up, and set the other assemblies in place to check clearance. Sure enough, one bend needed a little tweak to clear. “See, that’s why I didn’t finish before we checked it.”

A little massaging and everything went together fine. Nikki decided I had some idea what I was doing and went back in the house. After all the welds were filled in, I decided to make some end plates so I could do a leak test under pressure. Once that was set up, I wandered in the house.

Nikki was watching TV. I figured there would be some explaining in my future.

“You’re done? Is it ready to fly?”

“Slow down, Space Cadet. I’m testing it under pressure to make sure it doesn’t leak. Wouldn’t you rather know while you’re on solid ground than somewhere between planets?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Sounds like you’re in a hurry to leave. Did I offend?”

“No, not you, but these folks on the video are kinda scary.”

“Should have warned you, I suppose.”

“How do you mean, Caveman?”

“There’s a lot of screwy stuff on that thing. Most of it I won’t even watch. What in particular, though?”

“The ones where they tell people how to dress, or decorate their houses are bad enough, but the real kicker was the one where they had videos of people having accidents so they could laugh at them.”

“You do know that no one really gets hurt in those, right? Most of the time, it’s someone trying to do something impressive, so their friends are videoing them, and it just goes wrong.”

“But laughing at people’s misfortune? Isn’t that mean?”

“Sometimes. Mostly it comes down to, I’m glad that happened to somebody else. You mean nobody’s going to laugh when you tell them how you got marooned on a primitive planet for a whole weekend?”

“When my Dad finds out, I’ll never hear the end of it.”

“Same kind of thing, really. Different subject, what sounds good for supper?”

“Lunch was good. Can we have some more roasted animal parts?”

“Meat, it’s called meat, Space Cadet.”

I got a couple steaks out the freezer and put them in the microwave to thaw. Then I started some baked potatoes in the oven, and went out to start the grill. Nikki followed me. When she saw what I was doing, she said, “More fire, huh, Caveman?”

“The smoke gives it a better flavor. You Space Cadets just don’t know what you’re missing.”

“I’ll believe it when I taste it.”

The fire was ready to cook on by the time the steaks were thawed. I grabbed a couple of roasting ears to go with them, and asked Nikki to grab a couple of beers.

“Playing with fire while intoxicated, ooh, brave Caveman.”

“Somebody’s playing with fire, that’s for sure.”

The squirt bottle I use to knock down flame ups was setting right there, and the temptation was too much. Nikki got a face full.

“Snagfart! What was that for? I’m not on fire!”

“Matter of opinion, I’d say.”

Supper came out good, even with the interruption for a water fight.

“Okay, it does taste good this way. Even the corn came out good on the grill.”

“Thanks. I’m going out to check on things in the shop. Be back in a few minutes.”

The pipe was still holding pressure, but I decided to leave it till morning, just to be sure. Back in the house, I asked, “You want to see if we can find something on TV you like better?”

“Sounds good. You mean not all Earthlings are scary?”

“What, I’m scary?”

“Roasting bloody meat over an open fire? Not quite what I’m used to, no.”

“No problem with eating it, though.”

“You have a point. Your hair covers it, though.”

“Ha…..ha.”

Realizing most of what I usually watch has to do with crime, one way or another, and she had already dumped on home improvement shows, I pulled up some Roy Underhill.

“Why is that man dressed so differently? Why does he have a toolbox?”

“He makes things, using old methods.”

After a minute to get her mind settled into the concept, Nikki watched with interest.

“That was interesting. Why doesn’t he use power tools, like you do?”

“He’s preserving the knowledge of the old ways of doing things. It’s called living history.”

“Like you and your torch welding?”

“I guess, only farther back.”

Not sure what to watch next, I figured maybe an old movie would be okay.

“Father Goose? A video about an animal family? You are strange,”

“No, not an animal family. The kids follow him like he was a mother goose leading her goslings, oh never mind, just watch and see if you like it.”

It didn’t take long for her to get interested. I got up and microwaved some popcorn. After the movie was over, she asked, “Was that a true story?”

“I don’t think so. There were coast watchers, and Catholic schools that got evacuated, but I don’t think that particular story ever happened. Even if it did, surely they put in more funny parts.”

“When did those things happen?”

“Lessee, 55 and 20, about 75 years ago, now.”

“So your people still do armed conflict?”

“Yes. Yours don’t?”

“We’re spread out enough it’s usually easier to just leave than to fight over resources. Sometimes we still fight, but we haven’t had anything like a war in many years.”

“Many? What’s that in numbers?”

“Aw gee, Caveman, your year is six sevenths of ours, so 213 of ours is what, in yours?”

“Hmm, 213 call it 210, divide by 6, makes 35, 7 times that is 245, add back the half we dropped, right around 248 years.”

“You have a math chip in your head!? I didn’t think this planet had that tech.”

“What? Grade school math, no biggie.”

“Snagfart!! This really is an alien world!”

“I guess so. You didn’t even know about water fights.”

“I’m ready for sleep. You sure you don’t mind the couch?”

“I’m sure.”

Strangely enough, I was the one woken by the smell of coffee.

“Good morning, sleepyhead.”

Struggling into awareness, I mumbled, “Nikki, how do you know how to make coffee?”

“Youtube”

Stumbling off to the bathroom, I said, “I’ll be back.”

Upon returning, I found a plate with a fluffy omelet, hash browns and toast, along with a mug of coffee. “What Youtube channel do you watch?”

“I just looked up breakfast. Why, did I screw it up?”

“Not at all. This looks great.”

“So, do you think you can get the saucer flying today?”

“Nope. No way. If you can cook like this, it’ll take years to get that heap safe to fly.”

“WHAAT!!? Oh, you’re joking again, huh, Caveman?”

“Yep. I can’t think of a reason you couldn’t leave today, but it might be better to wait till after dark.”

Out in the shop, we found her new piece still holding pressure. “Well, looks like it passes. I’ll drain it, and we can install it.”

“Then I’m good to leave?”

“Do you have a way to bring it up to operating temperature and pressure without getting airborne? It would be good to double check my welds before you fly away.”

“I can idle it for awhile, yea.”

“It’ll be easier to get away without being seen after dark, so we might as well check it. Unless you’re low on fuel?”

“It’s good for another ten years, whether I idle it or not.”

“Oh, nuclear. That makes sense.”

“Damn, Caveman, you know too much.”

“What difference does it make? If I say anything about all this, I’ll be a guest of the government answering questions for the rest of my natural life. Not my idea of retirement. Besides, we know how to build fission reactors, it’s just silly politics in the way.”

“You seem too good to be true, sometimes.”

“Don’t tell anyone. You’ll ruin my reputation as a nasty old man. Let’s get this thing installed.”

As much to my amazement as Nikki’s, it fit right up. After letting the sealant set up, we filled it up with 12.5 billys of good ol’ Prestone. Luckily, the saucer’s builder had made a provision for burping the air out of the system.

“Let’s close that access panel before you start it. Don’t want any stray signals calling the ‘Men in Black’.”

“Wha?, Oh a movie reference.”

“Does that look right?”

“Looks right to me, Caveman. Good work! You want to see the inside while I start it?”

“Long as there’s not any missing time or anal probes involved.”

“I don’t like you that much, Caveman.”

“Ouch.”

Inside, the saucer looked like someone had fit a camper van into a round space. All the high tech was well hidden. ”Gee, I’d sleep in the house too.”

“Can’t say I’m looking forward to moving back here. Three months is a long time in one of these.”

“Well, you’re not that much trouble, and you are a hell of a cook, you could hang out here if you want.”

“Three months on the couch? I couldn’t ask you to do that. Thanks though.”

“I’ve been meaning to put a small bed into my office for company for a long time. Good excuse to get it over with.”

“You’re nice, and I’d love to stay, but I’m already going to be in a shitload of trouble for making contact without a permit.”

“If you’re sure.”

“Yes. Yes I am.”

“I deserved that.”

“You did.”

After a couple of hours, Nikki shut down the saucer, and we popped the access panel to have a look. Seeing no leaks, we went in the house for lunch.

“Sandwiches be alright for lunch? I’ve got some chips to go with them.”

“Beach going magic users, what? You’re a cannibal?”

“Not sand witches, sandwiches, meat and cheese between two pieces of bread, like you had yesterday, only not as fancy.”

“You really are sensitive about the Caveman thing, aren’t you?”

“I suppose. You were joking, weren’t you?’

“Yes. Didn’t mean to offend.”

“I shouldn’t be so uptight. I guess I’m bummed you’re leaving. It’s been fun having you here.”

“I’ve had fun too, but I’ve put you through enough, don’t you think?”

Just then, her watch made a terrible whooping noise. She looked at it, and her face fell.

“What is it?”, I asked.

“One of those damned grad students is in the middle of a medical emergency. I don’t have facilities on the saucer to help him, and by the time I get somewhere that can, he’ll bleed out.”

“Go get him. I know a guy who can help, and knows how to keep his mouth shut. I’ll call him while you’re gone.”

“I can’t ask.”

“You didn’t. I offered. Now go, I’ll try and get things set up while you’re gone.”

“Thanks.”

I ran the garage door up while she was getting aboard. To my surprise, the saucer faded out as soon as she had it powered up. Then I felt the air move as it left the garage. “Hmm, neat trick.”

When the door finished closing, I called John. “Hey man, what are you up to today?”

“Not much, Bob. Yourself?”

“I was wondering if I could get a little help with something today, if you’re not too busy.”

“You hurt?”

“Not me, but that kind of help.”

“Needs to happen soon?”

“Believe so. It’s a long story, I can tell you when you get here.”

“Or not. I’ll be about 45 minutes. See you then.”

While I was waiting for people to show up, I cleaned off the kitchen table, and stacked the chairs out of the way. Then I went to the shop to get the first aid kit I keep there, since it has trauma stuff in it. While I was there, I grabbed some extra lights. When I was satisfied I had prepped as much as I could, I got a glass of tea and sat out front to wait for John. Wasn’t all that long before he rolled up. I directed him to park in the yard and leave the driveway clear.

“Hey Bob, what’s up?”

“She should be back with your patient real soon now. Come on in the house.”

“She? You old dog!”

“Not like that, just helping a friend.”

“Sure, I believe that. How come she can’t just take this person to the hospital?”

“Thought you said on the phone you didn’t want to know.”

“Just hit the high points. Nothing I’ll have to testify to.”

“They’re not from around here.”

Just then my phone rang. Confused, I answered. “Bob Wilson.”

“Caveman, it’s Nikki, open the garage, I’m coming in hot.”

“On it. Bye.”

Turning to John, I said, “Unless you want to know a whole lot more, stay inside and away from the windows.”

Running to the garage, I hit the button to bring up the door. I flattened out against the wall to be out of the way. Not long after, I felt the wind of the saucer coming in, and started the door back down. As soon as it closed, the saucer became visible again. The door opened, and Nikki poked her head out. “Come help me. Were you able to get your friend to come?”

“Yeah. He’s in the house. He didn’t want to know any more than he had to about what’s going on.”

Inside the saucer, I found a small man bleeding from a few places. I was able to pick him up and carry him in. I laid him on the table, and John started his exam.

“John, meet Nikki. Nikki, this is John.”

“What the patient’s name?”

Nikki didn’t catch that he was asking her. I had to tap her on the shoulder to get her attention. She finally said, “Oh! His name is Bill.”

John said, “Bill Smith, I’m guessing?”

Nikki replied, “No. Bill Johnson.”

John continued his exam, only flinching a little when a pair of fighter planes came over the house supersonic. “That’s unusual, they’re not supposed to break the sound barrier here.”, he mumbled.

I looked at Nikki, and she said, “I forgot to go stealth when I first lifted, they got me on radar. They won’t find me now.”

John’s eyes opened wide, and he stated firmly, “I. Do. Not. Want. To. Know.”

I said, “Careful, Nikki, don’t make things harder for John. He’s already taking a risk working on Bill without any civilian medical credentials.”

“Sorry, John. Thank you for helping. I didn’t mean to be a problem.”

“It’s okay, Nikki. I just don’t need to know your secrets. You two get washed up, there’s antibacterial soap in my kit. I’m going to need more hands.”

I finished first, and pulled on a pair of gloves. “What do you need?”

“Hold right here till I get it sutured. Nikki, do you know his blood type?”

Panic raced across her face for a second, and then she said, “No, sorry.”

“Guess he’ll have to make do with plasma then. I was hoping one of us could donate for him.”
A light dawned in her eyes, and then just as quickly, faded. I asked, “What is it, Nikki?”

“No, it would cause more problems for John. I can’t.”

John growled, “I’m a big boy, Nikki, if you can help, let’s hear it.”

“I’ve got some blood replacer. I’ll get it.”

“Stealth aircraft. Blood replacer. That’s a lot of high tech, Bob.”, John said as he continued stitching around my finger.

“Yes it is, John. Has your price gone up?”

“No. If anything I’m more psyched. Do kinda wish I would have put my truck in the barn, though. That’s good, let go, slowly.”

John’s stitching held, and I got out of his way. He worked his way out, stitching and gluing parts together. Nikki came in, carrying a bag of clear fluid. John saw her and said, “Okay, do you know how to start an IV?”

Nikki froze for a second, obviously searching for words. John said, “Just do it however you normally would, then.”

Nikki put a small patch on the inside of Bill’s arm. It wriggled a little, and the fluid began to flow.

“Didn’t see that. Did not see that.”, John tried to convince himself.

Nikki looked confused, as John had been watching her very closely. Before she could ask, I said, “He’s trying not to get any more involved in all this. Please don’t make it harder for him.”

“I don’t understand, but I trust you, Bob.”

“Thanks.”

It took a couple of hours for John to finish patching all of Bill’s wounds. He started to come around once, but John gave him something to keep him out. After he got through with the wounds, he took Bill’s blood pressure. He asked, “Hey Nikki, his pressure is still a little low, do you have another one of those bags?”

“Be right back.”

After Bill was settled to his satisfaction, John slumped into the recliner and asked for a drink. I brought us all a beer. John said, “I appreciate you trying to keep me out of this, but I think I’m in too deep to pretend I don’t want to know all of it. Besides, Bill’s going to need supportive care for a few days, so I’m going to find out more anyway. You folks really aren’t from around here, are you?”

Nikki looked at me with a pleading expression, seeking guidance. I said, “Go ahead, Space Cadet, lay it on him. He’ll be fine.”

“Okay, Caveman, but you asked for it. John, my job was to drop off Bill, there, and two other grad students to do research on your planet. They had crap funding and bought a piece of junk for transport. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I had already agreed to fly them here. After I dropped them off, I had a critical failure, and snuck into Bob’s garage to try and fix it. It was worse than I could deal with, and I was still here when he got home from work. He kindly took pity on me, and helped get me back in the air. Just when I was getting ready to leave, Bill’s medical alert went off, saying he needed medivac. The saucer doesn’t have enough medical facilities to handle something like this, and it would have taken too long to try and fly him home. Bob talked me into letting him call you, and here we are. Any questions?”

“A boatload, but that’s good enough for now.”

I made some lunch, and we ate in the living room, since Bill was still on the table.

“I guess he’s going to be pretty wound up about getting primitive medical care when he wakes up, right?”

“Snagfart, yes!”

John asked, “Snagfart?”

“It’s one of their cusswords I picked up when Nikki was having translator problems.”

“Oh. I kinda like it.”

“So is Bill going to want to go back to his research, or is he burned for all summer?”

Nikki mused, “I doubt he’ll want to give up, he wouldn’t be able to get a grant to try again. How long before he’s functional, John?”

“I’d say he could do light activity in a week. If he’s going to get the snot beat out of him again, he better wait a month.”

Just then, Bill began to wake up. Nikki went to try and keep him calm. John and I stayed back to give her time.

“Bill, you’re okay. Stay calm so you don’t reinjure yourself.”

“Wha..? Where are we Ms. Slongum? What have you done?”

“We’re safe, and you’re alive. Both things you put seriously into question.”

“Enough babble. This is one of the native dwellings. You’ve broken security.”

John had enough. “Catching a bullet and a stab wound isn’t exactly low profile, there, sport. She managed to arrange medical care to keep you alive. You would have bled out if she tried to take you home. A little gratitude might be in order.”

“Who is this, this, primitive!”

“I’m the one who stitched your sorry ass back together, sweetheart. Take it down a notch.”

Nikki chimed in, “These people have been very helpful. Bob, there, fixed that worthless piece of junk you had me flying, when it would of marooned us all here. John, as he said, saved your life. The very least you can do is be civil while you are a guest in Bob’s house.”

“But, we have rules about contact. You didn’t even have the training.”

“Seems to have worked really well for you.”

“That was just a small misunderstanding.”

John said, “Must be a translator problem. Usually misunderstandings don’t involve major blood loss.”

Nikki came back with, “Not a translator problem. The issue is between his ears.”

“Regardless of where his issue is, we have to keep him safe and cared for till he’s strong enough to go out on his own again.”

John said, “You’re right, Bob, but his attitude isn’t going to help with that.”

Bill growled, ”Don’t I get a say in this?”

Nikki went at him, “Dammit, Bill, most of this is your fault. You bought that jalopy saucer, you picked where you were going to research, even when you were told it was too dangerous, you provoked those gangbangers. Your only say in this is whether you want to heal up and go back into the field, finish what you started, or get pulled out and sent home right now.”

Bill came back with, “And just who do you think you are, to tell me what to do?”

“I’m a licensed guide. I have authority to pull you out any time I think you’re endangering mission security. These two are much less security risk than you and your big mouth. Is that plain enough for you, or do you need me to read you the relevant sections of the law?”

“You are our employee. You will do as I say!”

I started for him, but Nikki and John both put hands on my shoulders. “I don’t care what you do with him, but I want that ungrateful little piece of shit out of my house!”

Nikki asked, “John, do you have anything to put him out for a few hours?”

“Yes, milady. Shall I?”

“Indeed, kind sir.”

I wound up holding him down while John pushed the mute button. Nikki said, “Help me put him in the saucer, his ass is out of here.”

John said, “I gotta see this.”

“Thought you didn’t want to know?”, I asked.

“We are both up to our elbows in alien blood. I’m thinking that ship has sailed.”

John and I carried Bill out to the garage and put him in one of the fold down bunks in the saucer.

John said, “I used to have a Winnebago that looked a lot like this.”

“Tell me about it. Really expected some Buck Rogers stuff in here, not tired RV. Hey, Nikki, do we need to strap him in or anything? He’s gonna be mad when he wakes up.”

She put a badge on him, different than her translator badge. “That should keep him out till I get where he’s going.”

John almost whined, “I guess riding along to keep an eye on him is right out?”

“Sorry, John, I’ll be in enough hot water as it is. I’ve got records to prove my version of events, but letting a native ride along is going to be too much. That badge will keep him from hurting himself, and I can get him into one of our medical facilities when we get there.”

I asked, “Will I see you again?”

“Don’t count on it, but I may be able to come by sometime. Hang on a minute, let me give you guys something for your trouble.”

“Thanks, but what have you got we could spend?”

“Gold coins work? The mint is made up, but the metal is good.”

John and I said in unison, “Yes, ma’am!”

She gave us the coins, and then insisted on hugs too. “Bob, I don’t know what I could have done without you. Thanks so much. John, you did great, I’m sorry you got caught up in this. Now both of you get out of here. Saucer pilots don’t cry, dammit!”

I ran the door up, knowing Nikki would have the stealth going by the time anyone could see. Apparently the stealth field affects vision, ‘cause saucer mechanics don’t cry either.

After she left and I ran the door back down, John said, “Come on, I’ll help you clean up. You got enough bleach?”

“I think so. Sure am glad I epoxied that table. Otherwise it would be really tough to get clean.”

“We better get on it, her stealth might not be as good as she thinks.”

“Better to be sure.”

After an hour of scrubbing the kitchen, John went to his truck and brought back one of those lights like the CSI’s use. He handed me a pair of glasses. I said, “Do I get a tinfoil hat to go with?”

“Cleaning and missing a few spots, would have them on you like a beagle on a rabbit. Better to be sure.”

“Why do you think the cops are even gonna be here to look?”

“I don’t, but if they do show up, evidence of what looks like torture on your kitchen table is sure to get us striped sunshine for a long time.”

His Luminol found a few places we had missed. When they were clean, we put the table and chairs back where they should be, and headed out back to a brush pile I’d been meaning to burn.

John asked, “Okay, let’s see, my bloody clothes, your bloody clothes, all the bloody towels, did we miss anything?”

“Wait one, I just thought of something else.” I ran in the house and got the sweats Nikki had worn. When I got back, we spread everything through the pile so it would burn thoroughly and wet it down well with gas. John made a trail away from the pile, so we could light it without losing eyebrows.

John mused, “Guess I’m not quite right. Always love to watch a fire.”

“Me too. Think the smoke is getting in my eyes, though.”

“Nikki really got to you, didn’t she?”

“Suppose so, sure was fun having her around.”

“Who knows, maybe she’ll be back.”

“Doubt that. Too many rules.”

Once the fire had burned down, I got a rake and made sure everything we were trying to get rid of was truly gone. John asked, “Mind if I eat here? Don’t much want to be in that quiet house right now.”

“Sure. Be glad of the company, got some chili leftover from Friday, would that be all right?”

“Your chili? Always.”

I put the chili on to warm while we took turns in the shower. When we sat down to eat, I had to lay Nikki’s coins beside my plate to convince myself it was all real. What a weekend. And I couldn’t tell a soul, except for John. “When I rolled in Friday, there she was, elbows deep in that saucer, trying to figure what to do about a blown coolant pipe. Things like this don’t happen to guys like us, do they?”

“How would you know? Most people have sense enough to keep quiet.”

“Guess you’re right. Almost makes you want to look online to see if anybody is selling gold coins like this, doesn’t it.”

“What, so we could all sit in a church basement with burned coffee and stale donuts, and reminisce about the wonderful aliens we met?”

“When you are right, you are right. Sounds stupid when you spell it out.”

Supper was finished, and I ran the dishwasher. We sat and talked for a while, and then John got a call and had to leave. I watched TV for an hour or two, and then tried to get some sleep. Had to change the sheets before I had any luck, Nikki’s smell kept me awake, thinking.

Work was a chore Monday. Staying focused was harder than it had been in a long time. Finally I was done. Never had running the door up on an empty garage been so depressing.

Things went about the same all week. John came by and convinced me to take some time off work to try and get my head around everything. Surprisingly, my boss was okay with me starting my two week vacation the next Monday. I suppose he noticed I was off my game. I bought a couple cases of beer on my way home Friday, intending to spend as much of the next two weeks blitzed as possible. As I turned in, I hit the remote like always, dreading what wouldn’t be there. But it was! I hit the button to close the door again and pulled around back. I ran to the garage, fumbling to get the door open. Running in, I shouted, “Nikki, where are you?”

My heart sank when I noticed a man sitting on the doorstep of the saucer. He said as he stood, ”Sorry, just me. She couldn’t be here, but she asked me to check on you.”

“And you are?”

“Regimax Slongum, her father”

“Mr. Slongum, it’s good to meet you. Do you shake hands?”

“Nikki told me about this. For the man who saved my daughter, sure.”

We shook. “Come on in the house, it’s more comfortable.”, I said.

“So how much trouble is Nikki in?”

“She’s got recordings of everything that happened. She’ll be fine, the hearing is just a formality.”

“I don’t suppose the testimony of a primitive would help much?”

“No, but thank you for offering.”

“Won’t that punk of a grad student try to turn things against her?”

“He might of, if she hadn’t downloaded all of his video before he got a chance to delete it.”

“Damn. She’s good.”

“Funny, that’s what she said about you.”

“I guess we both got a little more attached than might have been wise. I really didn’t think I’d hear from her again.”

“I wouldn’t worry about that if I were you. As soon as she put the right part in that jalopy, she hung the pipe you made on the wall at her place.”

“So you’re here to tell me to treat her right, or else?”

“I don’t think I have anything to worry about there. Unless, of course, she cooks for you again.”

“She told you that one?”

“Yep.”

“Surely you didn’t come all this way just to cheer me up. Is there something you need?”

“I heard your chili is worth the trip.”

“You’re in luck then. I’ll get some bowls.”

After supper, Mr. Slongum finally got to why he was in the neighborhood. “Nikki still has two students here who need looking after. I came to keep track of them for her.”

“So you’re a guide as well?”

“Not much anymore. Still have my certification, but I don’t use it much these days.”

“Could I ask a big favor?”

“Sure, you can ask. Doesn’t mean I can necessarily help you.”

“Did Nikki tell you about John?”

“She did.”

“Would you mind if I called him over? He’d like to know she’s okay too. And, of course, how Bill came out.”

“I don’t have a problem with that.”

I pulled my phone out, and dialed John.

“Hey, Bob, you okay?”

“Yeah, I got two weeks off. Listen, would you mind stopping by for a while? I don’t need anything, but I thought we could hang out. I’ve got chili if you haven’t eaten yet.”

“Chili? I’ll be there in twenty.”

Mr. Slongum and I chatted for a few minutes, and then John pulled up. I went out to meet him. “Come on in, join the party.”

“Nikki?”

“No, her dad.”

“Shit! Does he have a shotgun? Am I supposed to be your best man?”

“He hasn’t said anything like that, yet.”

I got John a bowl of chili while he got acquainted with Mr. Slongum.

“Just as good as ever, Bob.”

“Glad you like it.”

Mr. Slongum said, “So you’re the medic who patched up young Bill?”

“Guilty as charged, I’m afraid. Given his sterling disposition, I’m not sure I’m glad about that.”

“I’ve seen the video. Why they let twits like that on field trips, I’ll never know.”

I asked, “So Nikki was filming everything that happened while she was here?”

“Standard practice on these research trips. As much to protect the guides from unfounded allegations as anything.”

“Gee, I’m glad I was on good behavior.”

“Bob, I’ve watched the whole record. If that’s only GOOD behavior, I’d hate to see you serious about it.”

“Well, I did hose her down when she got too annoying.”

“She deserved it. Back to Bill, though. Our medics said you did a wonderful job on his injuries, John.”

“Bob helped. Besides, Nikki payed me very well.”

“Still, the two of you make quite a team.”

John looked at me with a gleam in his eye. “Here comes the pitch.”

“Yep. Bob’s saucer repair.”

“Open all night.”

“Medic on call.”

“Good eats.”

Mr. Slongum spoke up, “How did you two figure out what I was here about?”

I replied, “Well, if you just wanted to tell us that Nikki and Bill were okay, you could have called. You were buttering us up, and obviously leading up to a pitch of some kind. What else would it be possible for us to do for you?”

“Benikkious said you guys caught on quick. What made it so obvious, though?”

“Experience. I’ve traded cars since I was 14, and John here used to be in the business of convincing local troops to go fight so our troops don’t have to. We both know a con when we see one.”

“It’s not a con, you would be well paid.”

“And you’re saying there’s no danger of our government discovering what going on, and deciding to stash us in a black site till we tell them every little detail of what we know about you?”

“No, I couldn’t say that. There would be some danger.”

John spoke up. “Some danger, you say. What if it’s the stealth generator that craps out on one of those saucers? They show up here, with government agents right on their tail. They go to Area 51, we go to Gitmo, and you find some new suckers. Sounds like a great deal, for you.”

“I can’t say that you’re wrong, but the stealth technology we run these days is extremely reliable. If you fellas aren’t interested, I understand.”

I said, “What’s next, you have to clear the deal with your manager?”

“Manager? What are you talking about?”

“Your negotiating tactics are not as slick as you think they are. Threatening to walk away from a deal is pretty basic.”

“You think I’m just manipulating you?”

John said, “Here it comes, the indignant outrage. We’re in chapter two of the manual now!”

“Snagfart!! Don’t you bastards take anything seriously?”

My turn. “You show up, claiming to be Nikki’s dad, and want us to open a truck stop for flying saucers, just on your say-so, and you have the stones to complain about us not being serious? What you’re asking would take a large investment in time and money, not to mention trying to keep such an operation secret. I think the burden of proof is on you.”

“What would it take to convince you?”

John said, “How about training us up to your standards, so we know what we are doing? Giving us access to your level of health care, so we don’t have to worry about getting sick. Setting Bob here up with a parts inventory so he doesn’t have to cobble something up every time a broken saucer shows up. Giving us a way to contact backup if we run into something we can’t handle, you know, the kind of things you would do for someone you actually expected to make a go of this.”

I said, “Damn, John, you’ve been thinking about this.”

“Watching you the last week has been painful. You need this, but we need to set it up right.”

Mr. Slongum spoke up, “Everything you said is reasonable. I didn’t take time to think this through. I thought the thrill of being part of galactic civilization would be plenty to get you two interested, but you two really want to make a go of this deal.”

I put in, “Never do a vast thing in a half-vast way.”

“I thought I had learned this language, but now I wonder.”

“It’s called a pun. Using words that sound alike to convey more than one meaning.”

John said, “So are you amenable to what we talked about, or will that bend your rules too far?”

“I know you will think it’s a negotiating tactic, but I really do have to go back and talk to some people before I can agree to what you’re asking for. Can I meet you both here next Friday for chili and tell you what I’ve found out?”

“Trying to talk us down, and bumming a meal all in the same breath. I think I like you, Mr. Slongum.”

After Mr. Slongum left, John and I sat and talked, working on all that beer I bought.

“Gee whiz, Bob, two cases, you were bummed out.”

“Dammit, I miss Nikki.”

“Well, if this deal goes through, she’ll probably be around.”

“If she’s not, that would just make it worse.”

“You gotta have some faith, Bob. Otherwise you’re gonna crash and burn. How are we gonna keep this mess quiet?”

“We need a place farther out in the country. That much traffic around here is bound to get noticed.”

“My place is far enough away from everything, but we would have to put up some buildings to work in. Hope he’s got plenty of those coins.”

“Have you tried to sell one yet?”

“Yeah, guy at the shop gave me a good price. Said it was as pure as he had seen.”

“I just hope the images don’t get somebody curious. I’d like it better if we got paid in plain gold pieces, with no image.”

“You’re worried this is gonna land us in a dark hole, aren’t you?”

“Aren’t you?”

John wound up crashing on the couch, he was way too far gone to drive home. Next morning I drug out of bed, wondering if I had dreamed it all. John snoring away answered that. As soon as I felt human enough to face the day, I wandered out to start some breakfast. Pretty soon, Zombie John wandered into the kitchen. “Coffee. Coffee. John need coffee.”

I poured him a mug and he sat down. I put a plate in front of him and he turned a little green. I said, “You know what to do, stare down a plate of breakfast and Mr. Hangover will leave you alone.”

“You are entirely too cheerful. Why didn’t Mr. Hangover shit in your oatmeal, too?”

“I drank a quart of water before I went to bed, like I always do when I drink.”

“Not Fair! You drank more than I did.”

“Fair, life is not, Padawan.”

“I’ll tie your damn green ears in a knot, Master.”

“Do or do not, there is no tie.”

“Save me from morning people.”

By the time John finished breakfast, he was more or less back among the living. He still glared at me for being functional, but he wasn’t Zombie John anymore.

“So, John, do you still think Mr. Slongum has an idea we can make work?”

“Well, like you said, we need to move the operation to my place. The land next door to me is for sale. I’m thinking we need to snap that up if we’re going to do this.”

“Would you mind having me for a neighbor?”

“You get out a cardigan and slip on shoes, we are going to have a long talk!”

“I’m not Mr. Rogers. I’m Mr. Wilson, Dennis.”

“Ouch! You are way too awake. As far apart as the houses are, I think it will be fine. Besides, you’re moderately sensible.”

“I’ve wanted to get farther away from town for some time now. Just didn’t have any good reason to pull the trigger. If I dip into my retirement, I can come up with a nice down payment. I wish I knew how much business we could expect, so I could plan better.”

“Mr. Slongum was pretty nebulous on everything, wasn’t he? I got the feeling he had to have some agreement from us before he could find out what was possible.”

“I know you are already set up to make it look like you come by all your money above board, but I’m going to need some way to justify my income. I won’t be able to keep my job, if we’re doing much of any business.”

“Hopefully he will be able to tell us enough Friday so we can get the ball rolling. I don’t think we want to commit to much until we know he’s on board.”

“Yeah. I need to hit the store for cat food and a litter box. I’m going to be having cats all week.”

“You and me both. This is the best thing to come along for me since I got my medical discharge. I’ve just been coasting.”

We talked some more, but didn’t settle anything. John decided he needed to go home. After he left, I caught up on stuff around the house, mowed the yard, and then I wondered what to do all week. Not coming up with answers, I decided beer and TV would do for now.

The days passed slowly. Now I wished I hadn’t taken time off. Every chore I had put off got done. I drove out and looked at the place John thought I should buy. I liked it, better than where I was living, but making the change for no reason wouldn’t be smart. I looked at the realtor’s website, and found their asking price would be possible for me to raise. Got so bored I went to the dog pound and looked at dogs. Finally Friday came. I made a double batch of chili, because I hadn’t had any leftovers for lunches in a couple of weeks. John showed up in the afternoon, and we tried to keep each other occupied. Knowing that our futures depended on what happened that night made it hard to relax. Finally, my phone rang, “Hello.”

“Caveman?”

“Space Cadet!!?”

“Open the garage. We’ll be there soon.”

“Okay. See you then.”

I hung up and went to open the garage door. About a minute later, I felt the breeze and shut the door. The saucer faded in, and the hatch opened. Nikki flew down the steps and wrapped me up in a hug. I’m pretty sure I was levitating at that point. “Snagfart, I missed you.”

“I missed you too. You gonna give me a kiss this time, Caveman?”

When we came up for air, her Dad was out of the saucer, and John had come out of the house.

John said, “Come on, you two. There’ll be plenty of time for tongue wrestling later. Let’s go eat.”

Nikki looked confused. “Tongue wrestling? OH! Snagfart, John, where’s that squirt bottle when you need it?”

“Those are big words for a half-pint Space Cadet.”

“I watched the culture pack while I was gone. Fill your hand, you son of a bitch!”

They found a couple of squirt bottles and the battle was on. Good thing crock pot chili doesn’t burn. I got drug into the action, but somehow Mr. Slongum managed to stay dry. Eventually, we wound down and went in the house. Nikki’s eyes got big when she saw the table. “You got it clean? I thought you would have to burn it.”

“Lots of bleach, and lots of scrubbing. John even got out the Luminol to be sure we didn’t miss anything. You ready for some chili?”

Their reply was a chorus of “Hell, yes!!!”

After supper, we put the dishes in the dishwasher, and put the leftover chili in the fridge. Then we settled in the living room. Mr. Slongum spoke up. “I was able to get approval for everything you fellas asked for, but they are a little concerned about your location being so close to the neighbors.”

“Us too. John’s place is out in the woods, and I should be able to purchase land adjacent to make it even more private. Can you give us any idea how much business we could expect?”

“Nikki, you’re more current about the traffic levels in this sector, what do you think?”

“Every time I talk to other guides, they complain about having to fly so far to get minor crap dealt with. Starting out, I would expect maybe one or two saucers a month, but business will pick up when word gets around.”

“So what’s the legal status? Are we still a permit violation every time we do business with someone?”

Mr. Slongum replied, “No, we can certify you as allowable contacts. The machine is in the saucer.”

“Behavior mods, or what? That sounds a little concerning.”

“No, the machine just certifies that you are of good character and are not likely to disclose anything about contacts with people from off world.”

“So… read only, it doesn’t change anything it finds?”

“It’s not got the proper circuitry to change anything. It can’t turn you into a mind-controlled zombie.”

“Good. I’ve got Nikki for that.”

“Back at ya, Caveman.”

“One thing we are going to need, if we’re going to open a ‘space truck stop’.”

“Oh? What’s that, Caveman?”

“A cook. You know anybody who makes a good omelet?”

“You asking me to stay, Caveman?”

“Asking? No. Begging, pleading, down on my knees, more that kind of thing.”

“Well, you’re in luck. Just so happens that allowable contacts have to be supervised by a certified guide for a probationary period, and Dad’s too busy.”

“So you’re saying it’s a business necessity, and you’ll be gone first chance you get?”

“I never said that, but it is fun to watch you grovel.”

“You’re mean, Space Cadet.”

Mr. Slongum cleared his throat, “If you two are done. Can we get on with this?”

“Sure. Get your machine, I’ll get the ibuprofen.”

John spoke up, “Ibuprofen, what for?”

“If this gadget is anything like their teaching machine, I want some ibuprofen on board before it tries to tense me up.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Nikki’s traps were like rocks when she used the teaching machine. Took me a long time to loosen them up.”

“Sounds like a good precaution, then. I thought I was supposed to be the medic in this outfit?”

“Didn’t mean to offend, oh mighty medico.”

“Nikki’s right, you are an asshole.”

John and I took some meds and got certified. I asked, “Do we get our training now too, or do we have to wait?”

Nikki quipped, “Standard procedure is at least a twelve-hour gap between sessions with any device that accesses the brain directly. Of course, with you primitives, we probably should wait longer.”

“That’s it!”, I growled, “Time to teach you the fine old primitive custom of tickling.”

John and Mr. Slongum suddenly looked like they had somewhere else to be, but I let up before they actually left. Nikki was giggling so hard I wasn’t sure she was moving air.

John said, “I think you got your point across there, Bob.”

“You think? You know how hard-headed these Space Cadets can be.”

Nikki and her Dad slept in the saucer, and John crashed on the couch. I slept better than I had in a long time. Entirely too soon, the smell of coffee called me back to the world. I got cleaned up, and headed out to the kitchen. “Good morning!”

“Shh, John’s asleep.”

“No he’s not. He can’t sleep through the smell of coffee any better than I can. I’ll take him a cup.”

“Morning John”

“Morning Bob. See I can’t fool you. Just laying here thinking about how things are going to change.”

“I’ve decided I don’t know enough yet to worry. By the end of the day, we should know quite a bit more.”

“Hope you’re right. Pulling mushroom duty is getting old.”

“Mushroom duty?”

“Always in the dark, never get fed anything but B.S.”

“Nikki’s working on breakfast, you don’t want to miss that.”

After breakfast, I went into town to get things started on the new place, while John got his first round of training. At the bank, they were more than happy to give me a loan on the place, provided I pulled a ridiculous down payment out of my retirement, and put my house up for security. And, of course, the house had to pass an inspection. They gave me paperwork stating their intention, and I went to the realtor. The place had been on the market for some time, so she was shocked to get a full price offer. One phone call, and the deal was set up. Luckily, the house already had a current inspection and title search, the owners having thought that would make it easier to sell. Taking copies of those documents back to the bank, I was able to finalize the loan, still reeling that I was getting so much done on a Saturday. Back at the realtor’s, the owners had come into town so we could close the deal before I came to my senses. One huge freaking check, and this part of the day’s festivities was over. I went by my boss’s place, and put in my notice. He said I had another week of vacation coming, and I could use that as the rest of my notice if I wanted. I agreed, shook his hand, and left. By the time I made it back to the house, my mind was buzzing over how much I had gotten done, how much debt I had taken on without a job. Then I walked in the house, and Nikki said, “Oh good, you’re back. I thought I was going to have to call you.”

“What’s up?”

“We have our first customer.”

I looked around, not seeing anyone. “Where?”

“We diverted them to John’s. Get your tools, let’s go.”

Not knowing what to expect, I grabbed a little of everything. My truck was riding low as we pulled out. The neighbor was out puttering in his yard. “Hey Bob, what’s up?”

“Friend of mine is in a little bind. Gonna see if I can help out.”

“Good luck.”

“Thanks.”

We got to John’s, and I started to back up to the garage to unload tools. John came out and waved me off, telling me to park farther up the drive. We climbed down out of the truck. Apparently I looked confused, because John said, “They’re still inbound, Max is talking them in.”

“Max?”

“You gonna call him Mr. Slongum the rest of your life, just ‘cause you got the serious hots for his daughter?”

“Okay, you have a point. Let’s go run the door up for ‘em, do we know what their problem is?”

“Snagfart if I know, they quit talking English a long time ago.”

Max yelled, “Clear the door, they’re coming in!”.

I sure hoped the Air Force hadn’t noticed them, because visual stealth doesn’t help much when you have a smoke trail. I looked around and grabbed John’s fire extinguisher. I shook it at him and asked, “You have any more of these?”

I turned to Nikki and asked, “Can you get my welding gloves and coat from the truck, please?”

She slid out the side door and ran for the truck. I pulled the pin on the extinguisher, and waited for them to touch down and kill stealth. It was the first time I saw a saucer land badly. It scraped a few feet along the floor on one side, and then suddenly crashed down flat. As soon as I could see the saucer, I could tell the fire was inside an access panel. Nikki got back just then, helped me don my gear, and handed me a key to open the panel. I handed her the extinguisher, and started to open the panel. I stayed off to the side, because I expected bad things to happen when air got inside. Apparently, it already had all the air it wanted, since I didn’t cause an explosion. Nikki hit it with foam, but there was a leak inside feeding the flames. I yelled, “Max, get them to shut everything down, it’s still pumping something flammable!”

Max ran into the saucer, screaming. I’m sure I could have learned several cusswords if I’d been paying attention. Shortly, the flow stopped, and Nikki was able to use the last of the foam to kill the flames. John ran up with two smaller extinguishers. We watched to see if it would flame back up. I said, “John, one thing we’re going to need is some of those big chicken house fans in the ends of the barn to clear the smoke.”

“You think they’re all going to come in on fire?”

“Once is enough.”

Max yelled, “John, over here, please.”

John ran off. His hip would be screaming tomorrow, but he was on the job today. I looked at Nikki. “You got this?”

“Pull pin, aim at base of fire. Little harder than flying a saucer, but I think I can handle it, Caveman.”

“Thanks, Space Cadet.”

I followed John. I thought he might need more hands. When I got there, he handed me an inkpen and said, “Make me a hollow tube big enough to breathe through, and wash it with alcohol.”

I had watched enough TV to know where this was going. I unscrewed the bottom and cut off the tip. A pass around the inside and outside with the blade took off the rough edge. I grabbed a glove out of his kit so I didn’t dirty it up again, and washed it down. I slung it twice to get off the extra alcohol. John said, “In here, Bob”.

I put the tube into the hole he had made, and he taped it down. He grabbed his stethoscope and started checking if she was moving air. He sighed and sat back. After a moment, he started looking around. His eyes lit on a large folding table. “Bob, grab that table, so we can get her in the house.”

I got the table, and put it beside her. “Max, help me carry, John needs to monitor her vitals.”

Max was zoned out. I tried again. “MAX! I need your help.”

“What? Do you need something?”

“I need you to get your head out your hindquarters, and help me carry her in the house. Come on.”

We got her on the table, and into the house, with John checking her breathing every few steps. John said, “Bob, you know that room in the back I told you not to go in?”

“Yes.”

“She goes there.”

He led the way back to what turned out to be a well-equipped clinic. We laid the table down, and gently lifted her into bed. John looked in a drawer, and came out with a factory-made tube in a sterile wrapper. “Wash up, and glove up, Bob. I need you to keep the hole open while I change tubes.”

I had done more medical work in the last few days than in the rest of my life. I guess those doctor shows weren’t a complete waste of time. When the new tube was in and secure, he hooked her to oxygen. Once that was done, he started checking her for other injuries. Max still looked stunned. He whined, “He cut her throat. John cut her throat.”

“She wasn’t getting air. It was the only way to keep her alive. Maybe you should go sit down.”

“Okay.”

“Do you need anymore help, John?”

“One thing. Hold right here while I put her shoulder back in.”

Her eyes opened and she shook her head.

“As I thought, another case of Possumus Maximus.”

“We’re not doing anything to your shoulder. I just needed you alert. You can’t talk right now, but the swelling in your voice box that cut off your air should go down in a few hours, then we can pull the tube. When that happens, you will be able to talk again. Do you understand what is happening?”

She nodded.

“Do you know where you are?”

She nodded

“So you know we’re certified, and you don’t have anything extra to worry about?”

She nodded

“Do want something to help you rest while the swelling goes down?”

She nodded

John drew some liquid into a syringe, and gave her a shot. He said, “Rest easy, things will be better when you wake up.” After a moment, he told me, “I’m going to stay with her while she has the tube in. She could wake up confused, and that would be bad.”

“Better lock the door when I leave, Max is pretty wigged out. I’ll see if Nikki can square him away.”

Max was in a chair in the living room, head in his hands, crying. “She’s going to be okay, Max. She just needs a few hours for the swelling to go down so she can breathe normally.”

He didn’t answer. I went back to the garage, where Nikki still had fire watch. “Any flare ups?”

“Nope. How’s the patient?”

“The pilot is going to be okay. Your dad is in full on meltdown. Do you think you can get him back? I’ve got this.”

“I’ll try.”

She headed for the house, and I grabbed a bucket to sit on. After a little bit, it struck me that the fire was probably dealt with, so I should go ahead with cleaning up. I got some things from the truck, and let the compressor start filling up. My thermometer only showed one hot spot, where the worst of the fire was. The rest of it was cooling down. I hooked up the blowgun and started getting the foam out of the way.

Meanwhile, in the house, Max was learning the error in his ways.

“Dad, John did the very best he could with what he had available. Yes, our doctors have fast acting anti-inflammitories that might have opened her throat without cutting. John didn’t have those available, nor has he taken the part of the training that explains their use. But even our doctors admit that in the case of a chemical burn, it may be necessary to cut.”

“How do you know so much?”

“While you were freaking out, I was researching. I also checked her badge records. According to those, she was within a minute of brain damage when he got her air going. Brain damage. Even with our docs, that’s months of rehab, and still no guarantee of 100 per cent recovery.”

“You’re prejudiced.”

“Because I love Bob?”

“Yes.”

“Why do you think I love Bob? These people don’t sit and worry about what they can’t do, they figure out the things they can do.”

“It was still gruesome.”

“Somebody told you life was easy?”

“I suppose you have a point. Will she really be okay?”

“If there’s something he can’t handle, John will have us fly her out of here in a heartbeat. He doesn’t screw around when it comes to patients.”

In the garage, I was finding things I didn’t like the looks of. It appeared that the fire had been due to sabotage. The pipe carrying flammables looked like it had been partially cut through with a hacksaw. There was a hole into the cabin of the saucer to feed it air. Someone had tried to put this craft out of action. One last check on temperatures, and I shut the garage door and headed for the house. Inside, things seemed to be back to normal.

“Hi, Caveman, how’s it look?”

“Better and worse than I first thought.”

“Don’t be like that. Better how? Worse how?”

“Better because it looks fixable without too much hassle. Worse because it looks like somebody did this on purpose.”

Max raged, “What do you mean somebody did this on purpose!”

“Dammit, Max, chill out! The pipe that carried whatever was making that fine fire looks to have been cut with a saw, in such a way to let it hold for a while before it ruptured. If there was any evidence of who or how, it burned away. Also, a hole was made into the cabin to feed air to the fire. She’s probably lucky it caught fire inside that bay, rather than building up an explosive concentration in the cabin.”

The door to the clinic opened and John forcefully spoke, “You assholes want to be a little louder with your bullshit? I do have a patient in here, recovering from life threatening injuries, you know.”

“My bad. I got Max wound again.”

“What now?”

“It was sabotage.”

“That sucks! At least she’s gonna recover. If she had been any farther away, there wouldn’t have been anything to do.”

“There is that. Probably be better if nobody finds out she’s alive for now. Whoever tried to kill her isn’t going to be happy.”

“You’re right about that. Is her saucer totaled?”

“Believe it or not, I don’t think so. It’s all plumbing in that bay, no electronics to burn the insulation off of. I should probably study up some to be sure, but I think we can get it back in the air.”

“Well, I guess we have our first customer. Did you have any luck on the place next door?”

“With my place as collateral, and a honkin’ big down payment, the bank didn’t have a problem with it. Your neighbors were so anxious to get away from you they closed on a Saturday. I take possession on Tuesday.”

“No kidding!”

“None. They had already done an inspection and title search as deal sweeteners. I don’t think I could have been more shocked. I went by and put in my notice, so I’ve got to make a go of this now.”

“We’ve got a start, anyway.”

“We do. You think we need to worry about whoever tried to kill your patient coming after us?”

“Worry, no. Prepare, yes.”

Nikki spoke up, “What do you mean by prepare?”

John answered, “If they come with intentions of doing us violence, we need to be ready to do to them first.”

“That’s exactly what you can’t do. If you kill anyone from off planet, you automatically lose your contact status.”

I asked, “So what are our nonlethal options? Do you folks have some kind of super taser or something?”

“We do, and we could get some for you, but they’re less effective than one of your projectile weapons. The charge travels relatively slowly through the air, and the range is not that long. You would require different training to be effective with them.”

I looked at John, an idea forming. I said, ”Low muzzle velocity”.

He said, ”Short range”, with a twinkle in his eye.

Together we said, “Paintball!!”

John turned to Nikki and said, “I think we already have that kind of training. We do it two Sundays a month.”

I asked John, “Do you think any of the team could pass acceptable contact? We might use them for extra security.”

“Maybe. Let me think on that.”

We heard a groan from the other room, and John ran to check his patient.

John yelled, “Nikki, can you come and convince her she’s not part of a medical experiment? I don’t think she believes me!”

Nikki jumped and ran. Soon I heard her speaking rapidly in what I think was the same language I heard that morning she forgot her badge. Eventually, the tone and speed became more conversational, and after a little bit she asked John, “Is she ready to have the tube out yet?”

“I don’t know, but I can check, if you can help me keep her calm.”

John got out a flashlight, and a mirror on a long handle. He said, “Make sure she understands I’m looking in her throat to see if the swelling has gone down.”

Nikki spoke, and got a nod in return.

“Ask her to open her mouth as wide as she comfortably can, and hold that position till I’ve finished.”

Another nod, and she opened wide. John made his exam, and stated, “I think she can move air, but we need a better test before I’m going to pull that tube. Ask her to please stay calm, this may be a little scary, but if it doesn’t work, I’ll hook her back up to the oxygen.”

This nod was less positive. John pulled the hose off her tube, and put his thumb over the opening. She began breathing, but it was obvious it was an effort. John hooked her back up. “She’s making good progress, but I would like for her to keep the tube overnight.”

Nikki translated, and she was obviously disappointed, but not terribly so. She mimed writing on a pad, and John handed her a pad and pen. The results appeared to be in an alphabet, but not one I had ever seen. Nikki read it. “Where am I?”

Nikki told her, and she scratched out some more. Nikki said, “What happened to my saucer? Did it burn up?”

I said, “I think it is fixable. We got the fire out before it did too much damage.”

Nikki told her, more writing, “Why did it catch on fire?”

I looked at Nikki, and she nodded. I said, “It looks like someone tried to kill you. There was damage that nearly had to be deliberate, that caused the fire.”

As Nikki told her, her eyes got big and she became agitated. She wrote quickly, and Nikki jumped and ran, yelling “Snagfart!!”.

Max was listening by the door. I said, “Max, get in here and translate for John. I’m going to help Nikki.”

The front door stood open, so I ran onto the porch and looked. Nikki was disappearing into the garage. I followed at a run. She ran on the saucer, and I followed. “What’s wrong?”

“She thinks they probably put a transponder on this ship. If we don’t find it and disable it, it will lead them right here. You still have that key I gave you?”

“Here it is. What needs to be opened?”

She pointed out a panel and I pulled it. Inside everything looked well organized, except for one little box that looked out of place. I asked, “This it?”.

“Yes. We need it for evidence, so we can’t just destroy it, but it needs to be somewhere where it can’t send a signal.”

“I know just the place. John will be pissed, but it’s only for a few days, right?”

“Should be. Why will John be pissed?”

“I’ll have to disable one of his disaster preparations. Do you know how to get this out without damaging anything?”

“I can do that.”

“Good, I’ll go get the spot ready.”

I found the big ammo can with a ground strap John kept his extra vehicle electronics in. I knew he wouldn’t like them being vulnerable, but it was the only place I knew to be sure that little widget couldn’t broadcast. Nikki came up behind me, beacon in hand. I took it, placed it in the can, and closed it. Then I asked, “Do you think there was only the one?”

“I’ll sweep it again. You Cavemen sure are paranoid.”

“It’s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.”

“I guess. What was all that you cleaned out of John’s can?”

“Spare car parts.”

“Why keep them there?”

“In case of EMP.”

“Extra Mean People?”

“Electromagnetic Pulse.”

“You get those much?”

“No. But it only takes one to mess up your whole week.”

Nikki didn’t find any more trackers, so we went back in the house to see how the others were doing.

John asked, “What was that about?”

“Tracker on the saucer.”

“You destroy it?”

“Nope. Nikki wanted it for evidence.”

“So where is it?”

“That’s the bad news. I needed a Faraday cage so it couldn’t transmit.”

“You used my stash box?”

“I laid all the parts right next to it on the shelf, so we could put them back when we get rid of that nasty little bugger.”

“We’ll bring them in later. I’ve got another stash box in the basement.”

“Belt and suspenders. How’s the patient?”

“Impatient. Wants to be up and around, Right Frikking Now!!! thank you very much.”

“So feeling better, then?”

“Seems so.”

I found a cardboard box, and went back out to collect John’s spare parts. On my way, I heard a car coming up the drive. I called for John, and came out on the porch about the time the deputy rolled up. When I saw who it was, I put the box down, and stood still. No need to get anyone excited. My effort wasn’t needed, Jack, one of the fellas from our paintball group, got out. “Hey guys, how’s it going.”

“Fine, Jack. Finally here to haul us away?”

“No. Somebody saw some smoke out this way, like a plane on fire. You guys see anything?”

We had two ways to go, and I didn’t want to lie to Jack, he was a friend. “It was a flying saucer, coming in hot. We’ve got it stashed in the garage till we can get it back in the air.”

“Beer thirty came early today, huh?”

“Celebrating. I just bought the place next door.”

“Good for you. See you next Sunday.”

“Sure thing. Take care, Jack,”

“You too, Bob. Take me for a ride, when you get it flying.”

Jack drove off, and John looked at me and said, “How do you walk, with brass ones that big?”

“You want me to lie to Jack?”

“No, I guess not. But, DAMN!”

Max was, of course, fuming. “You call that security? You just told a law officer exactly what was going on here!”

“Did he believe it? No, he did not. Besides, we would like to recruit him to help with security. He’s one of our paintball buddies.”

Nikki said, “John’s right, Caveman, you got some big brass ones.”

“Maybe so. Do we have a training program on the saucer that’s in the garage? I need to get trained up so I can get it running.”

Nikki fiddled with her watch. “We’ve got three, actually. You want the one specific to that part of the saucer for now, right?”

“That seems best. If I have time, I’ll do the other two and check it all out. Hey John, can I bum some ibuprofen?”

“Sure. You’re really scared of that thing, aren’t you?”

“You didn’t feel Nikki’s shoulders. Did her up a treat, and she’s got experience with it.”

I came out of the effects of the teaching machine, not with the worst headache I’ve ever had, but surely in the top ten. I felt Nikki pulling the headset off, and then she started working on my shoulders. “I thought you didn’t know about this sort of thing, Space Cadet.”

“You want me to stop, Caveman?”

“No. I do not. That feels great.”

By the time Nikki got me loosened up, the knowledge was beginning to sort itself out in my brain. I realized that some of what I had thought was plumbing, was actually large conductors, and should be insulated. “Oops, it’s a little more complicated to get fixed than I thought. I need to run to town for some supplies. You want to ride along, see how the cavemen live?”

“Okay, if I’m going to be here, I don’t want to be stuck in the house.”

“Let me ask John if he needs anything while we’re out.”

Wandering back to the clinic, I asked, ”Hey John, do you need anything from Springfield? I need to run in for some supplies.”

“I don’t know of anything. Will Nikki be here to translate?”

“She wanted to go with me. Can you make do with Max?”

“I’d almost rather learn the language myself, but I’ll make do, lover boy.”

“Sooner or later, we’ll have to, but that’s a problem for another day. She still making good progress?”

“I think we’ll have the tube out by the time you get back.”

“You might ask her name, so we don’t have to keep saying she.”

“Ask Nikki, I should have thought of that.”

“This stuff is all new. Give yourself a minute to get up to speed. You kept her alive, isn’t that enough heroic deeds for one day? Besides, it won’t do a bit of good until the tube comes out.”

“Hey, Nikki, can you find out her name, so John knows what to call her?”

“It won’t be anything you guys are used to.”

“Free nickname, with every saucer repair!”

“You two are hopeless.”

Nikki asked, and got scribbles in reply. She said, “Lilacrious Bongwater”.

“What was that last name again?”

“Bongwater, why?”

“John, you wanna explain this one?”

“No, I don’t, but since you seem to have left those big brass ones in the driveway, I’ll try. There is a device known as a water pipe, which is also called a bong. The smoke passes through the water, which cools it, and improves the taste. The harsh taste stays in the water, called bong water.”

“Oh My! No wonder you guys were grinning,”

“What was her first name?”

“Lilacrious”

“Do you suppose she would object to being called Lyla?”

“Let me see.”

Nikki rattled off something, that ended with “Lyla”, and she nodded.

“There’s your answer. She’s okay with it.”

“Good. We better get going. Later, John.”

“Later”

We barely made it before the electronics supply closed, but they had what I needed. “You hungry?”

“Yes, do they sell those roasted animal parts here?”

“Yes, Space Cadet, they have steak houses.”

We went to a place John and I liked, and I ordered for both of us. Nikki asked, “So where do we go to get our food?”

“The nice lady who asked us what we wanted will bring it to us when it is ready. Here she comes now with our drinks.”

After the waitress left, Nikki asked, “Why does she do all that for us?”

“It’s her job. She gets paid for doing it, and if she does well, it’s customary to leave a little extra money to show your appreciation. It’s called a tip.”

“Sure is friendlier than a dispensing machine.”

“I bet.”

Nikki dug into her meal when it arrived. I asked, “You always seem enthused about our food. Don’t you have anything like this at home?”

“Not really. Vat meat, cooked automatically. I never knew how much better food could be with a human cook.”

“It’s a lot to get my head around. How different things are there.”

“Yes, but we have assholes like Bill to make up for it.”

“Assholes are everywhere, it’s a fact of life. How is Bill, anyway?”

“The docs said John’s work was some of the best they had seen, given what he had to work with. Bill still pisses and moans, but he will probably keep the scars, because as you primitives say, ‘the chicks dig it’”

“How does the culture pack have songs from twenty years ago, but not explain restaurants?”

“Oops! Busted.”

“Naughty Space Cadet! Daddy spank.”

“Promise?”

“One question.”

“Yes?”

“Does Max have a white shotgun?”

“One way to find out.”

“You spell Nikki T-R-O-U-B-L-E, right?”

“You got it, Caveman.”

Nikki kept trying to wind me up on the way home. I found I was way out of my league, but I did what I could. I was relieved to get back to John’s, where hopefully she would tone it down a little. Nope. First thing she said was, “Hey Dad, Bob wants to know if you have a white shotgun?”

Max sputtered, “What have you two been up to?”

“Nothing but banter, Mr. Slongum, nothing but banter.”

Max glared, but sat back down. I went to find John. “Hey John, we’re back.”

A voice I hadn’t heard before said, “He went to get me some things, he said he wouldn’t be long.”

“Is that you, Lyla? Are you decent?”

“Yes, it’s me, and I’m considerable better than decent.”

“I mean are you clothed, fit to receive company?”

“Yes.”

I stepped into the room and said, “Hi! I’m Bob.”

“I remember you from earlier. You’re John’s helper.”

“Some things I help him, some things he helps me. Goes both ways.”

“Do you now?”

“Oy! Two of them! Nikki, are you sure she’s not your sister?”

“No, Bob, Lyla is not my sister. Abusing cavemen is the new pastime, haven’t you heard?”

“Cheese on rice! I’m gonna go work on the saucer.”

That didn’t work out as well as I had hoped. Saucers are put together with eight-sided bolt heads, not hex like our stuff, so I had to find the saucers own tool kit to use. High quality stuff, just like you get with a car. After fighting with a few of the bolts for a while, I went back in to see about some better tools. “Nikki, do you have any better tools than what came with the saucer? I’m having trouble with some of these bolts.”

“Sure you’re turning them the right way, Caveman?”

“Oh crap! You mean some of them are left hand thread?”

“They all have a symbol on the head for which way to turn them, didn’t you see?”

“Thought it was a grade mark, for how strong they are.”

“Oh, Caveman, we’re going to have to find time for you to do some more training.”

“So why don’t your bolts all turn the same way. Even us primitives have that one figured out.”

“Ours turn whichever way tightens them under stress.”

“We had a company that believed that. They finally gave up on it when it got to be obvious that the people who didn’t do it like that weren’t having failures.”

So, having learned that righty tighty, lefty loosey, is just an Earth saying, I went back to work. By the time I had everything torn down, Nikki came out to say supper was ready.

After I cleaned up, I found out John had made his venison stew, since Lyla’s throat was still not back to normal. I noticed the bandage on her neck and asked, “Stitched her up by yourself?”

“No, Nikki helped.”

“So Novacain works?”

“It must, she didn’t scream.”

Lyla smiled and said, “He said it won’t scar. I hope he’s wrong. Got my throat cut to save my life on a primitive planet, and lived to tell the tale, I’ll never buy another beer as long as I live!”

“These alien ladies, they got themselves some attitude, don’t they?”

John said, “I thought you noticed that already?”

“I thought it was just Nikki. Didn’t realize they are all that way.”

“Sample size of two, don’t get ahead of yourself.”

“Yes, Professor.”

John’s stew was tasty, as always. He says my chili is better, I disagree. I think it has more to do with not having to cook. Max managed not to lose his when John explained that the meat was from an animal he had hunted and killed, but it was a near thing.

I asked, “Are my twelve hours up? I obviously need to get the basic mechanic’s course, if I can’t figure out left hand thread.”

Nikki said, “Yes, it’s been twelve hours, but are you sure you want to push it?”

“I’m sure I don’t want to push it, but I need to get competent.”

“That’s my Caveman.”

John mumbled, “That sounds possessive.”

Lyla said, “Doesn’t it just.”

Just then I remembered I hadn’t finished bringing John’s spare parts in the house when Jack interrupted. I picked up the box out of the driveway and went to get them. I got back, handed the box to John, and sat in the torture chair. “Light me up, Space Cadet!”

“John has something for you first.”

John sat the box down, and picked up a syringe and an alcohol wipe. He cleaned a spot on my neck, and gave me the shot. “That should keep a bull relaxed. Let’s see how you do.”

When I came out from under the effects of the teaching machine, I had no headache, but I had trouble holding my head up. “Think you used enough dynamite there, Butch?”

Lyla said, “Oh my! Is he damaged?”

Nikki said, “You need to check out the cultural pack sometime. He’s fine, or he wouldn’t be cracking jokes.”

“But there was no explosive involved.”

“Let me explain.” They wandered off.

John asked, “So you’re a little too loose, there, Lautrec?”

“Wet noodle. But no headache, thanks for that. You still have that cot in the basement?”

“I do. Need anything else?”

“A bigger brain to fit all that’s happened?”

“Tell me about it. Just when I thought things might steady out for a little bit, here comes Lyla, and we start all over again.”

“Beats what we were doing, though doesn’t it?”

“Gettin’ by and paintball every other weekend to stay sane? Yeah, it beats that pretty hard. See you in the morning.”

When I woke up, I found Nikki asleep in a sleeping bag beside the cot. Since I couldn’t get up without stepping on her, I watched her sleep. Pretty soon, John opened the door and said. “Breakfast’s ready!”.

Nikki grumbled and said something I assume translates to “just five more minutes, Mom”.

I shook her shoulder and got a nasty wrist lock for my trouble. Nikki, coming awake, said, “Oh, sorry Caveman.”

“No problem, Space Cadet. I always wanted it to bend that way. Thanks for the stretch.”

“Asshole. Why did you wake me?”

“John says breakfast is ready. Can you let me up?”

“You mean coffee? Let’s go!”

John had quite a table set when we got upstairs. We sat down and tore into the spread. I noticed Lyla with a bowl and spoon, and asked “You don’t like our breakfast?”.

“It smells wonderful. My doctor says I should go easy on my throat for a day or two.”

John said, “That’s her third bowl. She’s a natural born cereal killer.”

“Ouch! Now who’s an annoying morning person?”

After breakfast, I headed out to get started. On my way out the door, I asked, “Nikki, can you come and get me when it’s time for more training? I want to be completely sure about this rig before we try to fly it.”

“Okay, Caveman, but you’re pushing pretty hard.”

“It’s not gonna get done if I don’t do it.”

While I had everything out of the bay, I patched the cabin wall that had been cut. About the time I finished, Nikki came out. “Hey, Caveman, the brain sucker wants fed again.”

“Thanks, I think. Hey, why did you come down to sleep in the basement last night?”

“It’s a strange place. You make me feel safe. Did you think I was after your body?”

“That’s why I asked, so I wouldn’t get the wrong idea.”

“Well, what idea does this give you?” She kissed me again.

“Nothing we have time for right now, that’s for sure.”

“Ooh, big Caveman, all talk, no action. You still owe me a spanking.”

I swatted her butt, and said “We have work to do. What’s got you so wound up today?”

“I don’t know. Things are just so different here. More lively.”

“You think that has something to do with people dropping in from outer space with emergencies?”

“No, that couldn’t be it.”

John met us at the machine with another syringe. I asked, “Did you drop the dose a little?”

“Took it down some. We’ll see how you do this time.”

This time I was pretty loose, but functional. John asked, “How is it this time?”

“Quite a bit better, but I think you could still back it off some. You waiting to take another session till you get the dosage dialed in on me?”

“Curses! Foiled again! How did you guess my evil plan?”

“I know you, John. That’s all it takes.”

Back in the garage, I got all the pieces ready to go back together except the pipe that had caused it all. I decided I might as well unload the truck. Nikki came out as I was taking the torch cart down off the truck.

“More fire?”

“Nope, just unloading stuff instead of hauling it around. That pipe needs the big welder back at the other place.”

“Why is that?”

“It’s stainless. That means I have to be a lot more careful to weld it.”

“How do you know what kind of metal it is?”

“The training tells what it is, and I was able to get on the internet and figure what alloy we use that is close.”

“Okay, that sounds reasonable. I came out to tell you lunch is ready.”

“Let me pull the truck up, and run the door down. Then I’ll be in.”

Lunch was a nice potato soup. “This is good, John, why haven’t you made it before?”

“Because it’s Lyla’s recipe. She made it.”

“My compliments, Ma’am.”

“Thanks, Bob. Do you really think you can get that heap flying again?”

“I need to run back to my old place, I have a Tig welder there to fix the pipe that was sabotaged. Do we need to take pictures to record the damage before I fix it?”

Nikki said, “Yes, that would be best. Lyla, do you have any idea who might have done it?”

“Well, I am doing a story about a group smuggling goods in this sector. They probably are most likely.”

“So you’re a reporter?”

“Yes, Bob. Is that a problem?”

“I don’t think so, but aren’t they going to try again once they find out you’re still alive?”

“Yes.”

“Does anyone know you made it here?”

“I don’t believe so, but I can’t be absolutely sure.”

“Fair enough.”

We got pictures, and cleaned up inside the saucer until time for my next training. Most of the smell came out, but a few hanging pine tree air fresheners seemed like a good idea. John got the dose of muscle relaxer pretty close to perfect this time, and I came off the machine ready to go. “Okay, John, I think you’ve got it safe for wimps to use.”

“Ouch! Use you for a guinea pig one time, and now I’m a wimp?”

“If the foo shits...”

Lyla looked confused, and turned to Nikki. She shrugged and started fiddling with her watch. Then she lit up and showed Lyla what she found. I turned to John and said, “It’s so rewarding to see them start to grow up.”

Nikki said, “You’re an asshole, Caveman. Just because the culture pack doesn’t have every tired old joke, you’re gonna say we’re behind?”

“I didn’t say anything about your behind. Was I thinking that loud?”

John said, “Yeah, you kinda were.”

Nikki picked up a throw pillow and started wailing on my head and shoulders. I said, ”John, I told you having these things around was a bad idea.”

“Which, women?”

“No, throw pillows.”

Once things calmed down, I mentioned I needed to run back to the other house to weld the pipe and I needed some help. Nikki said, “I should probably bring my saucer out here, if we’re going to be here most of the time. Is there someplace I can park, John?”

“I’ll leave the barn open. Are you going to wait till evening to fly out?”

“Less chance of people asking questions that way. Caveman can only bluff the deputies so many times before they start to believe him.”

“So you guys will be back after dark?”

I said, “We will call if we’re going to be later.”

Max looked like he had something to say, but he kept quiet. John spoke up, “Do you mind hanging around until after I’ve had a training session?”

“Does Johnny-wonny need him teddy bear too?”

“Nikki really brings out the asshole in you, Bob”

“Yeah, she’s good for me that way. I’m not in a hurry to leave. Can you draw up the dosage before you sit down, though?”

“Sure.”

John drew up his shot, and then he and Nikki looked at the available courses to decide what he should take next. They came to a decision, and John sat down. He said, “Light me up, Bob.”

I cleaned a spot, like he had shown me many times, and gave him the shot. Nikki fired up the machine, and he was off and running. I now understood why they always looked like they were trying not to laugh when I came off the machine. The rapid eye movement, and facial contortions were pretty funny. All too soon, the show was over, and John came to. “Wow, that’s a rush!”

“Feeling okay, John?”

“Just dandy.”

“Glad to be of service, ...not.”

“But Bob, you’ve contributed to the advancement of science and learning. You should be proud!”

“I knew I forgot something when I packed. Have to remember to get my rubber boots today.”

Lyla said, “Rubber boots, what does he mean?”

Nikki replied, “He means John is spreading the bullshit deep.”

“Bullshit?”

“Lies. Manipulations. He’s trying to talk his way out of trouble for using Bob as a test subject.”

“Bob is angry?”

“Not really. It’s just a good excuse to let off some stress, and it’s not as hard on the pillows.”

“For primitive people, they sure have complicated interactions.”

“Ours aren’t exactly simple, you know.”

Nikki and I gathered what we needed, and headed to town.

“I need to stop and pick up a few things. We’re going to have to build a tool to help with the welding.”

“We have to build a tool? I thought you had tools?”

“This has to be sized to fit the pipe. I certainly don’t have tools in your standard sizes, and this particular tool, I don’t even have in our sizes. It’s specialized, and I don’t normally have to do that kind of work.”

“Caveman magic strange.”

“Space Cadet magic strange.”

“Not magic, Caveman, tek noll oh gee, say it with me now, tek noll oh gee.”

“Very funny.”

I bought some copper pipe, to make a heat sink, and Nikki was fascinated with all the animal supplies in the store. When we got back to the truck, she asked, “So your people keep animals?’

“Yes. Some as pets, some for food, some for recreation.”

“Pets I think I understand, the presence of the animal provides emotional support, right?”

“Yes.”

“Food, well I see how it works, anyway. Recreation? What does that mean?”

“Some people ride horses, it’s not necessary for transportation anymore, people enjoy it. Other people keep dogs for hunting, or agility competitions. People like having animals around, and they will come up with just about any reason to justify it.”

“Why do they need to justify it?”

“It takes money and time that they could use for other things. They don’t want to feel selfish. You hungry?”

“Is a bear Catholic? Does the Pope shit in the woods?”

“Keep working on that culture pack, Space Cadet.”

We went back to the restaurant we went to the other evening. John and my favorite waitress came by while Nikki was in the facilities. “Who’s your friend, Bob?”

“That’s Nikki. She’s working on an upgrade, you any good at guessing ring sizes?”

“Nope. Ain’t that kinda quick, there, cowboy?”

“I haven’t had this much fun in years. I don’t want it to stop.”

“Just don’t get ahead of yourself, Bob.”

Nikki came and asked, “Who’s that?”

“Julie. She usually serves John and me when we come in. She came over to say hi.”

“She’s my competition?”

“Not at all. She’s happily married. Just wondering how an old coot like me wound up with a cutie like you, I think.”

“Nice save, Caveman.”

We ate our meal, and I went up to pay. I saw Julie head toward our table, and tried to see what happened without being too obvious. It looked like Nikki got told to treat me right or else. I didn’t realize Julie was that good a friend. Captain Oblivious, that’s me.

“You ready, Space Cadet?”

“Yes, I”

“Hold your question for the truck, please.”

“Okay.”

In the truck, she asked, “Julie didn’t think I was serious about you. She wanted to make sure I wasn’t just playing with you. I’m not, am I?”

“Snagfart, I hope not!”

“Caveman, you say the nicest things.”

When we got back to the house, I went in the garage to pick up a couple of things. The saucer wasn’t there. “Ah, Nikki, where’s your ride?”

“Right there, Caveman. Don’t bump into it, I left it idling.”

I reached my arm out, and sure enough, there it was. As my heart rate slowly descended back into the double digits, I found what I needed.

Out in the shop, I started to make the copper backer I needed to be able to weld the pipe. Nikki asked, “Whatcha makin’, Caveman?”

“A tool to keep from burning a hole in the pipe when I weld it. Pay attention, you’re gonna be the operator.”

“I have to use this tool you’re building? How do you mean?”

“I need you to hold it up tight against the back of the weld, to keep it at the right temperature and in the right shape. Very important if we’re going to get this working right again.”

“I still don’t really understand, but if you tell me what to do, I’ll do my best.”

“That should be plenty good enough, Space Cadet.”

After I got the heat sink finished, I set everything up to weld. Nikki wondered, “Why does it all have to be so clean, Caveman?”

“Any crud that gets in the weld makes a weak spot. Lyla doesn’t need any more excitement, does she?”

“No, I don’t think she does.”

“Besides, she’s a reporter. If she tells people we give good service, that’s free advertising.”

“Snagfart, Caveman, you do have a head for business.”

I showed Nikki how she needed to hold the tool, and got out my old gear for her to wear. It fit like a tent, but it was better than her catching a spark and jumping at just the wrong time. “Okay, Nikki, it’s going to be dark in your helmet, but once I start, you will be able to see. If you need to stop for any reason, please tell me before you let go.”

“Got it. Can you put my helmet down? I don’t think I have the trick of that neck flip you do.”

“Sure.”

Good prep makes good work, and it went very smooth. I shut down the welder, and lifted her helmet. “All done but the cleanup, and it needs to cool down for that.”

I went in the house and got us some tea. We sat in the backyard, waiting for the pipe to be cool.

“Caveman, I need to ask you something.”

“Okay, I’ll try and answer.”

“When you described Julie, you said she was happily married. What does that mean?”

“Your Mom and Dad, aren’t they committed to each other somehow?”

“They were together long enough to raise me, but they don’t see each other much now.”

“So your people don’t make lifetime commitments to each other?”

“Our medical tech would make that a really long time, but I’ve read about that kind of thing in history books.”

“Oh. I ah, I guess I didn’t realize.”

“What’s wrong, Caveman?”

“Nothing. Really. Nothing.”

“Doesn’t look like nothing to me. You act like something big changed all of a sudden.”

She twisted her face up in thought for a minute, and she said, “You were going to ask me, weren’t you? Ask me to marry you.”

“Yes, I was. I should have realized things would be different where you come from. I hope we can still be friends.”

“Friends my ass, Caveman! I don’t care if you have a ring or not, get on your knee and do it right.”

I knelt. The pollen must have been bad that day, I had blurry vision. “Nikki Slongum, will you marry me? Deal with all the crazy that we make together, love and live together, forever?”

“YES! Hell YES! Of course yes!”

“You’re sure? It ain’t gonna be easy.”

“Easy is for wimps, Caveman. We got this.”

It was a while before we got back to work.

I cleaned up the weld, and it looked good, but I wanted a pressure test. Since this was a control line in the saucer’s hydraulics, it needed to be tested to higher pressure than Nikki’s piece had been. I remembered John had a tractor, maybe it had a hydraulic port we could use. I called him, “Hey, John, you’ve got a tractor, don’t you?”

“Yeah, Bob. You get stuck?”

“Nope. Does it have hydraulics?”

“It does.”

“You think we could use it to pressure test my weld?”

“If you can connect it up, I don’t see a problem.”

“That’s a standard connector, isn’t it?”

“As far as I know. I only had to change it once. I’ve got it on the computer someplace, I’ll text you what kind it is.”

“Thanks. See you later.”

I found Nikki and told her I would need to go back to the store for a part. She said, “The store with the animal things? Can I come?”

“Sure. Let’s lock up. On second thought, why don’t I get some steaks thawing for supper, and then we’ll go.”

“Mmm, roasted animal parts.”

By the time we got to the store, John had texted what kind of connector we needed, so picking it up and a fitting to run it into was easy. We got home, and making the end plates wasn’t too hard either. Apparently, Nikki had been watching more closely than I thought the last time we grilled, because she had a nice fire going when I finished. “Let me get a shower, and I’ll get started cooking.”

She had the potatoes going in the oven, and the steaks and corn ready to go by the grill when I got back. She said, “That’s the last of the corn, I guess we should pick up some more.”

“We can worry about that at the new place.”

“Your life has changed a lot since we met, hasn’t it?”

“All for the better, Space Cadet.”

After supper, we snuggled on the couch and watched TV, till it got dark enough for Nikki to fly to John’s. When I went to get up, Nikki said, “You sure it’s dark enough, Caveman? Don’t you think we ought to wait awhile yet?”

“I think if we wait any longer, we won’t get there before morning. Besides, don’t you want to tell your Dad the good news?”

“Is John qualified to treat a stroke?”

“I don’t know. You think he’ll take it that hard?”

“He’s not going to be happy, that’s for sure.”

“Best to get it over with, then.”

She took off, and I closed the garage behind her. I locked up and drove out to John’s. Nikki was waiting in the drive. “Caveman, where you been?”

“I drove straight out. You don’t want me to get pulled over for speeding with saucer parts in the truck, do ya?”

“Guess not, Caveman.”

John came out to help get the tractor set up. We had to leave it idling to keep the pressure up, so we pulled it down over the hill so we wouldn’t hear it all night. When we got back to the house, Max was standing on the porch, furious. “So Nikki told you the good news?”

“I forbid this primitive nonsense!”

“She’s a grown woman. Good luck with that.”

“You seduced her with your primitive ways. She’s not thinking straight.”

“You’ve seen the video record, Max, you know that’s not true.”

“Snagfart! You are exasperating!”

“Likewise, I’m sure.”

Max turned and went inside, mumbling and cussing like Yosemite Sam. John asked, “What did you do, Bob?”

“Nothing that didn’t need doing. You mind being my best man?”

“No problem. I doubt Max is gonna want to give the bride away, though.”

“Not like we’re going to do the ceremony tonight. He has some time to cool down. We have to come up with papers for Nikki before we can make it legal.”

“Gee, Bob, you say that like you think I know a guy.”

“You don’t!?”

“Of course I do. But it’s fun to set you off.”

“Have you met my dog, Payback?”

“Sure have. She have her puppies yet?”

We went in the house. Lyla and Nikki were deep in conversation, dropping in and out of English. I looked at John. “That looks like trouble, doesn’t it?”

“No hablo Ingles.”

“All of a sudden you’re chicken?”

“Ain’t afraid of but two things, boss.”

“What are they, Gator?”

“Women and the po-lice.”

“Bet that one’s not in their culture pack.”

Nikki started fiddling with her watch. “Ha ha, Caveman, ‘White Lightning’ 1973 with Burt Reynolds. Gonna make fun of my culture pack again?”

“No Ma’am.”

“You know, Bob, maybe we ought to go take some training or something.”

“Sounds like a plan. What do think we should learn tonight?’

“Well, we need to figure out how much our services are actually worth to folks, so we can charge a fair price. We’ve got a lot of overhead to cover, after all.”

“Have you learned how to run the machine?”

“I have.”

“Let’s do that, then.”

I did my session, and John showed me which buttons to push for his. By the time he was done, it was getting late. “I’m going to see if we’re holding pressure, be right back.”

When I got back, Nikki was working on Max, trying to calm him down. It seemed to be working, so I didn’t interfere. I found John and Lyla at the kitchen table having a drink. I asked, “Am I interrupting?”

“No, Bob, we were talking about what a fair price would be for our services.”

“Remember, she has the power of the press, a good price now could be worth a lot of business down the road.”

Lyla said, “Now, Bob, you don’t think you can influence me that easily, do you?”

“No, but I do think you will honestly report on the service you got and the prices you paid, and if people draw a certain conclusion from that, well, that’s not really on you, is it?”

“Is he always this slick, John?”

“Two or three days a month, he is.”

“So how much do you think your part in this is worth?”

“Let’s see. We have two extinguishers that need recharged, a few dollars’ worth of heat shrink, some welding rod, parts for a heat sink, and gas for John’s tractor, so all told maybe two hundred for parts. About thirty for gas, chasing stuff down, around twelve hours shop time at, say, seventy-five per, and let’s say, half an ounce surcharge for coming in on fire, comes to, I think about an ounce and a quarter of gold. Sound about right, John?”

“You sure you only want half an ounce for coming in on fire? She did cause Jack to show up?’

“Her fire was easy to put out. I reserve the right to charge more for more difficult fires.”

“That sounds reasonable. I was thinking three quarters for patching her up, so an even two?”

Lyla popped up, “I realize I’m talking against my own interest here, but you fellows have gone out of your way to take care of me. The service you’ve done me would cost at least four ounces, back home, and you’re the only option for a lot of light years. Five ounces would be more like a fair price.”

“Thank you for your honest appraisal. If that seems fair to you, we’ll go with that.”

“Let’s. Should we ‘shake’ on it?”

“Of course.”

It was getting late, so I said, “I’m heading off to bed. Big day today.”

John replied, “There’s another one of those cots over in the corner if you want to set it up.”

“Thanks. Night.”

I set up the other cot beside the one I was sleeping on and went to bed. When I woke the next morning, Nikki was snuggled tight against me. “Space Cadet, let me up. I gotta pee.”

“No. My Caveman. I keep.”

Not a morning person, then. “Come on, Sweetheart, it’s morning, we need to get up.”

“Warm Caveman, you stay.”

“Max has a gun, Nikki, we need to get up!”

“Snagfart! You play dirty, Caveman!”

Breakfast wasn’t ready yet, so I went to check on the tractor. The weld had held, so I brought the tractor back and put it away. Back in the house, I washed up and help set the table.

Lyla said to Nikki, “These cavemen are so well trained. Did he come like that or did you have to work on him?”

“This one did. I don’t think they’re all like that. Besides, you have to put up with the terrible puns and obscure movie references.”

While my back was turned, I picked up a dishtowel and rolled it. When I turned and popped her heinie, she screamed, “Caveman, that hurt, you bastard! I’m gonna get you!”

Breakfast was delayed for an epic tickle fight. John stumbled in and asked Lyla, “What set them off so early?”

“They need an excuse?”

“Good point. I need coffee.”

After breakfast, I wandered out and reinstalled the pipe I fixed. Then I checked all the nearby bays to make sure the fire hadn’t traveled. Everything checked out, so I fired up the computer and ran a full set of diagnostics. It found a couple of issues, but they were easy to deal with, since I was now ‘educated’. I did find another little device that wasn’t supposed to be there. I carefully pulled it and put it in John’s Faraday box with the other one. The saucer was low on hydraulic fluid, but it still had enough to exercise the control connected to the fixed pipe. Still good. Nikki came out to say lunch was ready. I showed her the device I had found, and she wasn’t sure about it either.

After lunch, I got Max and Lyla to take a look. Neither of them were sure about it. Back in the house, I asked John if he had any extra hydraulic fluid on hand. “I doubt I have enough to fill it back up, as long as it was on fire.”

“I’ll pick some up, then. I’d like to test fly it after dark.”

“Sounds good. You might want to hit a different town, though. You’ve been to our Farm Center quite a bit the last couple of days.”

“You’re right there. Need to find Nikki a ring, while I’m out.”

“Might want to find a more romantic way to put that, unless you’re looking to start another tickle fight.”

“I suppose you are right about that. Why don’t you ask Jack to supper tomorrow night, to celebrate me taking possession on the new place? Tell him it’s a surprise party.”

“You really going to take him for a ride?”

“He asked, didn’t he?”

“You need any groceries while we’re out?”

“I’m good for now, I’ll pick up some stuff tomorrow.”

“There are steaks in my freezer, if that would help.”

“It would.”

“Easier than dealing with them when I move.”

I found Nikki, and we went to town to run errands. Nikki asked, “Why are we going to a different town?”

“Because we’ve been to the same store several times in the past few days. We don’t want to make it easy to tell that something odd is going on.”

“You really think they would report you for buying too many parts?”

“Of course not. But they might mention it to a friend, who already heard something odd about us from someone else. Eventually someone might piece enough together to want to check us out. If we can keep people from getting curious in the first place, it makes everything simpler.”

“Sounds like you boys have done some shady deals already, if you know this much about keeping things quiet.”

“John has a few connections, and sometimes he needs a little help putting a deal together. It’s not like we’re criminal masterminds or anything like that. Mostly just getting around the fact that John’s medical education in the Army didn’t give him any civilian certification, so he has to cover up the fact he’s doing medical work,”

“Still, you worry a lot about how things look.”

“It’s way easier to keep people from looking than to avoid them once they start.”

We came into town, and I pulled into an angle parking slot on the main drag. Nikki asked, “Someplace here has hydraulic fluid?”

“Nope. Something else we need to pick up.”

“For John?”

“For you.”

“Me? I don’t need anything.”

“Yes, you do.”

We slid out of the truck and stepped up on the sidewalk. “Where to, Caveman?”

“Right here.”, I said, as I steered her into the jewelry store.

“What? Oh, you sneaky man!”

“May I help you?”

“She had a moment of weakness and agreed to marry me. I want to get a ring on her before she can back out.”

Nikki slapped my shoulder and said, “You’re the one who needs the lasso.”

“I see. Did you have a price range in mind?”

“Let’s see what catches her eye and go from there.”

The clerk lit up like a Christmas tree. I could tell he thought Nikki would go for the biggest rock he had. I guided her to the engagement rings, and she said, “Ooh, pretty!”.

“See one you like?”

She picked a modern design that looked a little sturdier than the others. “May I try that one, please?”

The clerk’s smile lost a few lumens, but he said, “Certainly, Ma’am”.

I slid it on her finger. She looked at it, then showed it to me. “What do you think, Bob?”

“I think I’m about as happy as I know how to be.”

“I mean about the ring, silly!”

“It looks good on you, but it’s a little loose. I wonder if they have a smaller size?”

The clerk spoke up and said, “We don’t have any more in that style, but I could have it sized for you by this afternoon, if that would be acceptable.”

“We need to get back early. I would be willing to pay a little extra to get it right after lunch.”

He brought out his sizing rings and wrote down Nikki’s size. “That would be fine. How will you be paying?”

My credit card seemed to be trembling when it came out of my wallet, but the transaction cleared, no problem. The clerk gave us our receipt, and we went back out to the truck.

“You’re sneaky, Caveman.”

“You wanted me to wait, and give you an opportunity to change your mind? I may be primitive, but I’m not stupid!”

“You’re the one who should be changing your mind. Marrying some alien girl you barely know, what’s gotten into you? Julie will be furious, you know!”

“She will get over it, give her some time. Now we have to fake you up some paperwork so we can get a marriage license and get this all legal.”

“I guess I can’t just slap down my ID, can I?”

“I don’t think they would accept it as valid.”

“How do we do that?”

John knows a guy.”

“I’m sure he does. You guys are really something.”

“Just the good ol' boys, Never meanin' no harm”

Nikki fiddled with her watch. “So which one are you, Bo or Luke?”

“You’re getting good at that.”

“Have to, to keep up with you.”

We found the farm supply, and parked the truck. Then disaster struck. A lady and her kids were selling puppies in front of the store. One wandered over to Nikki and looked up at her with big puppy eyes. I asked the lady, “How long did it take to teach him that?”

“I’ll never tell.”

Nikki looked up at me. “Aw, Bob, can we?”

“I’m not going to win this one, am I?”

“Nope.”

I squatted and let him smell my hand. I scratched behind his ears and asked, “So, what kind is he?”

“Momma is a Border Collie, and dad was sneaky. More than that I don’t know.”

“How much?”

“Your lucky day. If we had bred her to registered stock like we meant to, $400. Since he’s a mutt, twenty bucks.”

“He got his shots?”

“Yep.”

“If I pay you now, can you hold on to this one till we get done in the store?”

“No problem.”

I gave her a twenty and dragged Nikki off into the store. She said, “Thanks, Bob”.

We got a collar and a leash, and some puppy food and bowls. Then we got the hydraulic fluid we came after, and checked out. I put the buckets of fluid in the truck while Nikki went back to the puppy stand. When I got back, I helped her with the collar and leash, and we thanked the folks and took off. It was nearly lunchtime, so I headed through a drive-thru, and we went to a park to get acquainted with the puppy. “What are you going to call him?”

“What do you mean?”

“He needs a name.”

“I’ve never named anything before.”

“Not even your saucer?”

“No, just cussed it.”

“We could be assholes, and name him Max.”

“Let’s don’t. Dad’s wound up enough already.”

“Just joking, Space Cadet.”

“There was a character on a show I used to watch. His name was Snitz. This puppy reminds me of him.”

“Snitz, huh? I got to get me one of them culture packs. Come here, Snitz, here boy.”

The pup wandered over, and I gave him a scratch. “Seems to work for him. Snitz it is.”

One o’clock rolled around, and we went back to the jeweler’s. Snitz wasn’t crazy about staying in the truck, but he didn’t put up too much fuss. The clerk greeted us, “Mr. Wilson, Ma’am, good to see you again. I realized while you were gone we didn’t discuss whether or not you wanted the set, or just the engagement ring. I’m so used to people buying sets, I just assumed. Is that right?”

“Wow. I hadn’t even thought about that, but you’re right, we will need the set. Did you size the band, too?”

“Since I wasn’t sure, I didn’t size the band, I hope that’s not too much bother.”

“Not at all. We can pick it up later in the week, if that’s all right?”

“That will be fine. Let’s see how this one came out.”

Nikki tried it on, and it fit very well. “I like it. I like it a lot. Thank you.”

“You are most welcome, ma’am. We will size the band and have it ready by Wednesday. You can pick it up any time after that, just bring your receipt.”

“Thanks.”

Back at the truck, Snitz gave out licks all around. We headed back to John’s. When we got there, I told Nikki, “You better keep Snitz on the leash when he’s outdoors for a while till he learns to stay close. He could get lost in the woods.”

“Okay. Lyla will be so jealous! A puppy and a beautiful engagement ring. I am a lucky Space Cadet!”

Nikki hooked up the leash, and got out. “Come on, Snitz.”

Snitz looked at the jump from the seat to the ground, thought about it for a minute, and then jumped to the floor of the truck and then to the ground. He sniffed around a little, and decided to leave his mark on the world. John came outside about then, looked at Snitz, and then looked at me. “What’s this then?”

“That’s Snitz. He followed us home. Can we keep him?”

“Somebody was selling puppies at the feed store?”

“Right on the first guess.”

“What kind?”

“Half Border Collie and half sneaky unknown, according to the lady selling them.”

“Better be careful, he’ll beat you at checkers.”

Lyla and Max wandered out to see what was going on. Snitz went to investigate. Lyla exclaimed, “Ow! It’s so cute! What is it?’

“He’s a puppy. A young dog.”

“Dog?”

“You know, man’s best friend? Rin Tin Tin? Balto? Lassie?”

“No, no clue. Man’s best friend? What do you mean?”

“Dogs have helped guard human settlements since before written history. There is some evidence that the two main advantages modern humans had over Neanderthals were a better shoulder for throwing and the ability to domesticate dogs.”

Max grumbled, “So these, these, animals, helped your civilization arise?”

“They did. What did you folks do, sleep in shifts?”

Nikki said, “Actually, yes. The guides are one of the remnants of the people who stayed awake at night.”

“No tame wolves to keep you warm at night. That’s sad.”

“Wolves!”, Max exclaimed.

“Yes. Dogs are descended from wolves, probably pups that humans found orphaned and adopted.”

“You people are so strange!” He went back in the house.

I looked at Nikki and said, “I guess I did it again, sorry.”

“Snitz is cute. He’ll get over it.”

Lyla suddenly looked very intently at Nikki’s hand. “Nikki, what is that on your finger? Is it dangerous?”

Nikki laughed, “No, silly. It’s my engagement ring. It means Caveman is dumb enough to put up with me for ever and ever.”

“I think I’d rather have a puppy.”

“Lucky me! I got both!”

I lugged the hydraulic fluid out to the garage and filled the reservoir in the saucer. Another successful fix for Bob’s Saucer Repair! Just thinking that made me wonder how long this streak could last. I cleaned up and headed for the house. When I left the garage, I was shocked. Max was sitting on the porch step, scratching Snitz behind his ears.

“Hi Max, looks like you’ve made a friend.”

“I suppose so. Sorry I’ve been hard to get along with. So much is different from what I’m used to.”

“Believe me, I understand that. A month ago, I was a confirmed bachelor, and thought I was content with my life as it was.”

“You don’t want to go back?”

“Snagfart, no! All this has made me see how much I was doing without. I have a purpose in life now, even if it is a little crazy. Nikki means more to me than I could even try to put into words. Even Snitz, there. I’ve done without a dog for so long, I’d forgotten how good it is to have one around.”

“So you think you guys can make a go of this?”

“If we can get enough customers without tipping off the authorities to what’s happening, I think we could do well enough. I’d be more comfortable if I had some way to know how much business to expect.”

“You’re afraid you won’t be able to make a profit?”

“Isn’t every businessman? I’m also worried about those fellas Lyla was looking into. I can’t imagine they’ll be too happy with us for saving her.”

“You expect them to try and harm us?”

“I think it would be wise to be prepared for it. I don’t know your culture well enough to know what to expect.”

Max grunted at that, and I went on into the house. I found John on his computer, on the dark web.

He said, “Good news and bad news. My contact can do papers for Nikki and Max, no sweat, but look what he wants for them.”

“That’s a lot of ounces. We need some customers.”

“Sure do. Did you see Max with the dog? It’s like he took a valium.”

“I did. I’m glad, but I wonder if it will last?”

“I’ll take it, even if it’s temporary.”

“I’m going to go ahead and train. Any suggestions?”

“I’ve been thinking we should probably learn something about their culture, since they seem to know so much about ours.”

“Tell me about it. Nikki caught a ‘Dukes of Hazzard’ reference this morning. I’ll go see what I can find. You mind giving me a shot?”

“That reminds me, I’m going to need more liquid Motrin pretty soon. I’ll be there as soon as I shut this down.”

When I came out of training, I knew who Snitz was, and Nikki was right, the pup was a lot like him.

Supper was good, getting people to understand that Snitz shouldn’t be allowed to beg at the table was a chore. After supper, I made sure the tool kit for Lyla’s saucer was collected up and stowed, and got a few of my tools and put them aboard. Snitz was ‘helping’. He was very curious about the strange smells on the saucer. He had some ‘business’ to take care of on the way back to the house. We went in to wait for dark. Nikki said, “There you are! Did that nasty old Caveman put you to work?”.

“No, but he did take care of business.”

John chuckled, but everyone else just looked puzzled. John spoke up, “He means that Snitz got rid of his waste while he was outside.”

We all joked around until it was dark enough to do a test flight. I asked, ”Lyla, can you go fire up your saucer and make sure everything reads out like you think it should? I’ll be out in a minute.”

“That wouldn’t be a problem, Bob. Are you going to run the door up when you come out?”

“Yes. I need to talk to Nikki a minute, and I’ll be right there.”

I turned to Nikki. “So, if I need to get in touch with you, I just press the button on this communicator?”

“Yeah, Caveman, just like one of your smell phones.”

“Cell phones, Space Cadet!”

“Come back soon, Caveman.”

Just then Lyla started her saucer. Snitz whined and tried to hide under the couch, even though no one else heard a thing. I mused, “Ultrasonics, I better study up on that in the morning.”

As I left, John was explaining how dogs can hear frequencies humans can’t. I ran the garage door up, and Lyla’s stealth was working well. I knew where the door was from earlier, so I went to that side. Sure enough, there was a door seeming to hang in the air. I climbed aboard.

“If you’re ready, ease her on out.” I said as I closed the door.

“Her?”

“Human convention, ships are always female. Goes back so far I have no idea how it started.”

“Okay, I guess. Any special flight plan?”

“Stay below the speed of sound until you are above most of the atmosphere. I know you have a system for nulling sonic booms, but let’s test one system at a time.”

“What about maneuvers?”

“Start with easy stuff and gradually work up. If you lose hydraulic pressure, return to the barn as quick as you can.”

Inside the saucer, the compensators kept us from feeling what the saucer was doing, but from the instruments, I could tell Lyla was giving it a good workout. She played with it for about a half hour before she said, “I can’t break it, Bob. I think you brought it back from the dead.”

“Good to hear. Let’s go home. Could you stick around one more day as a favor to me?”

“People think I’m dead. One more day is no biggie. What’s up?”

“Well, Jack did ask for a ride when we got it working again.”

“BIG Brass ones, Bob. Big Brass ones.”

“I know Jack. We’re not causing any trouble, or disturbing the peace, or trying to defraud anybody. He won’t be opposed to what we’re doing, just shocked that saucers are real.”

“If you say so. I thought the idea was to keep a low profile.”

“Jack can help with that. He knows when bulletins are issued to watch for things. If the government gets curious, he can let us know.”

“I hope you’re right. I like you guys. I’d hate to see you get in trouble.”

“Are we back in the atmosphere?”

“About sixty thousand of your feet, if I’m converting properly.”

“Let me make a call before you get any lower.”

“Sure.”

“Hi, Space Cadet? We’re going to make a supersonic pass over the house to make sure the boom canceling works. Might want to hold on to Snitz.”

“Okay, Caveman, you guys about done?”

“This is the last thing to check.”

I asked Lyla, “Can you fly over John’s at about thirty thousand feet, Mach two?”

“Here goes.”

I asked Nikki, “Do you hear anything?’

“Snitz isn’t happy, but none of us humans hear a thing.”

“I’ve gotta see if there’s anything to be done about those ultrasonics. Be home in a minute.”

“Lyla, if you would, go ahead and slow down and take us to the garage, please.”

She settled on to the garage floor without even a bump. I said, “That was way smoother than last time. I guess it’s easier when you’re conscious.”

“Nikki’s right, you are an asshole. But you are a dang good mechanic, too. Thanks, Bob.”

“No need to thank me, ma’am. Your ridiculous quantities of gold are thanks enough.”

She shut down, and I ran the door down. We went in the house, and Nikki asked, “So how did it go?”

“Well, her potato soup is good enough it may take another week or two to get it dialed in. If she comes up with more recipes like that, we might find some major issues.”

“So it’s good to fly, Caveman?”

“Right as rain. We’ll do a longer-range test tomorrow night just to be sure, but it looks right.”

“Another success for Bob’s Saucer Repair!”, John shouted.

“Are we really going with that name?”

“Beats Caveman’s Crash Clinic.”

“Oh, does it ever!”

We were all ready to settle in for the night, so I took Snitz for a stroll. There were way too many new and different smells for this to be a short excursion, of course. After we finally found the proper place to store puppy poop, we started back. Snitz did his familiar saucer freak, but not too serious. We ran back to the house. Out of breath, I asked, “Are they coming in hot? What’s their issue?”

John looked concerned and asked, “Who are you talking about? We haven’t heard anything.”

“Snitz heard a saucer while we were out. It wasn’t coming here?”

Nikki said, “Just a second, Bob.”, and started fooling with her watch. After a minute or so, she looked amazed and said, “You’re right, Bob. There was a saucer that overflew us at high altitude, on a search pattern. Weird, though, it’s transponder wasn’t working.”

John said, “Looking for us, bet it’s Lyla’s pirates.”

I replied, “I’ll take first watch. Wake you at three?”

“Sounds about right. Nikki, can you show us how your scanner works?”

“Sure, but why are you two the only ones taking watch?”

“Even if it costs us accepted contact status, we intend to protect this place. You folks are more peaceable, and might not be willing to do what is required. No offense, just cultural differences.”

“Why do you think they can find us with both saucers shut down?”

“We don’t, but we can’t afford to be wrong.”

Snitz and I took first watch. All we saw was what appeared to be the searchers giving up and heading for the moon. I tried to get Snitz to stay with John, but he wanted to be with me, so I told John I would come and tell him if Snitz woke me. Nikki’s scanner should go off first, but that little dog had tipped us off when we didn’t even know to look.

I went downstairs and snuggled up to Nikki. Very shortly, there was a frustrated whine, and a small impact on the cot. Snitz wanted to snuggle, too. I woke up the next morning being licked in the ear. “You need to whiz, little buddy? Yeah, me too. Let’s see if we can sneak out.” I put Snitz on the floor and tried to roll out without waking Nikki. Of course, I got, “Stay, Caveman, you’re warm.”

“Sorry, Space Cadet. Snitz and I have to go mark our territories. Go back to sleep.”

We went by to see John on our way out. He shut down the alarm so we wouldn’t wake the whole house by opening the door, and said he had gotten no readings of saucer activity his whole watch. I said I would start some fresh coffee when I got back inside. Before I went out, I got my little Ruger out of the lockbox by the door. John gave me a key when I became a regular visitor years ago. I noticed his pistol wasn’t in the box, like it usually was when he was at home.

Snitz found a tree he liked, and so did I. Before we went in, we went down to the barn to check Nikki’s ride. It looked as if it hadn’t been disturbed, but I intended to go over it before it flew again. In the garage, Lyla’s saucer was just as we left it. Having studied this model, I knew a few obvious places for sabotage, and I checked them. Either our opponents really had failed to find us, or they had upped their game considerably.

Back in the house, I put some food in Snitz’s bowl, which apparently teleported someplace, because when I looked again, it was gone. I put him out a little more, and washed up to handle people food. Soon the magical smell of coffee filled the air, and pancakes and sausage were cooking. I had a pan heating to make eggs to order. Snitz was restless, and I had an idea. I opened the basement door and told him, “Go get Nikki!”. Either he understood what I meant, or that was his idea all along, because he took off like a rocket. He launched halfway across the room, and landed hard against Nikki’s back. She then got the ear lick. Even Nikki couldn’t sleep through that. “Eew, dog what are you doing? I’m awake, you can stop now!” Finally a scratch of his ears convinced him his job was done. I said, “Good boy! Good Snitz!”

“I’m gonna get you for this, Caveman!”

“I have coffee, sweetheart.”

“Okay, you get to live, for a while, till I’ve had my coffee.”

Once everyone had gotten around a good breakfast, and had thinned out the blood in their caffeine system, I asked, “Does anybody from the guides or any your organizations have a base on the moon?”

Max asked, “Your moon?”

“Yes.”

“No. That’s considered restricted territory, property of your planet. No one is supposed to operate there. Why?”

“When the saucer that was searching for us last night gave up, they headed back to the moon. I can show you the scanner records, if you like.”

“That’s not necessary, I’m sure you read it correctly. You think someone has an illegal base there?”

“I don’t see why else they would head there if they could just as easily go to the outer system, if they didn’t. Would scans of their base be enough to get the authorities to come and deal with them?”

“Yes, but that would be a minor charge. I’m thinking you believe these to be Lyla’s pirates?’

“Well, it’s possible there are two completely separate organizations doing nefarious things in this part of the galaxy at the same time, but it seems more likely it’s all part of the same thing.”

John said, “Shaving with Occam’s razor, are you?”

“That I am.”

Nikki was, of course, fiddling with her watch at this point. The light came on, and she said, “Oh. A principle of logic that dictates the simplest solution is most likely to be correct.”

John said, “She’s quick.”

Max said, “You two are amazingly good at sidetracking things. As I said, an illegal base charge is going to be a minor annoyance for this organization, unless evidence of piracy can be found when the base is raided.”

“Are we all agreed that device I found hidden on Lyla’s saucer came from them?”

“That’s is certainly the most likely explanation, but the tech is not something I’ve seen before.”

“If we unmasked it, and they reacted, would that be proof they are the pirates?”

“I think they could claim they were just reacting to an unknown signal.”

“Who’s else could it be, then?”

“Some form of law enforcement, I suppose.”

“You think they used Lyla as bait to draw out the pirates? Why haven’t they responded yet?”

“Lyla’s saucer failed from sabotage. There was no clear trail to the pirate base.”

“So this beacon has been quiet for a few days, and suddenly it starts transmitting again. Is our hypothetical law enforcement going to investigate?”

“I would think so, just to be sure.”

“So if the beacon belongs to the pirates, and we throw it at their base, we’re just giving them back their tech, right? If it belongs to someone else, they’re going to come and check it out and find the pirate base, is there a downside I’m not seeing?”

“How do you plan to get close enough to their base?”

“The radiation your scanners track comes from the drive and the compensators, correct?”

Nikki said, “Yes, Caveman.”

“What’s to stop us from setting up a trajectory on the side of the Earth away from the moon, and coasting into range?”

“That could be as much as a day without compensators. We wouldn’t be able to take that.”

“It’s been done. Our astronauts have lived months without gravity. Some people have trouble with it, true, but not everyone.”

“After you drop them their present, how do you intend to get back?”

“A short period of drive, followed by more coasting. I need to study some things about the saucer’s capabilities before I can show you a mission plan, but I think it can be done. What I need to know is if we think it will cause the kind of result we want?”

John said, “In the short run, we’re golden. We get the pirates out of our backyard, and get to go about our business. Longer term, unless someone can prove piracy, we’ve just made things worse, because we aggravated them. If it is their tracker, I don’t see that we’ve done much.”

“That’s my opinion, too. Max?”

“What you’re saying sounds reasonable. I need to think on it a bit.”

“I need to be next door at ten to pick up the keys. I need to get on some astrogation training, if I’m going to make it.”

John gave me the shot, and I woke up with a head full of vectors. Nikki was there, saying, “Come on, Bob, we need to go. You can wake up on the way.”

We were halfway there before I realized Nikki was driving. Doing pretty good for her first time, but still. “When did you learn to drive?”

“Come on, Caveman. It’s in the culture pack. Besides I’ve been watching you for a while now. Is this the driveway?”

“Yes.”

As we pulled to a stop, I realized, Snitz was sitting beside me. When I crawled out, I turned to him and said, “Stay, Snitz.”. He leaned his head as if to say, “Really, Boss?”, but he stayed in the truck.

Mr. Jones got out of his car and shook my hand. He handed me a couple of duplicate key rings. All the keys were marked with masking tape. He said, “There’s a key for everything but what looks to be an old fallout shelter. The previous owner died and nobody knew where he hid that key. I was never curious enough to open it. Hope you enjoy living here.” With that, he returned to his car and took off.

I turned to Nikki and asked, “Did that strike you as odd?”.

“It did. I wonder what is so bad here?”

“Maybe John has some clue. I’ll ask him when we get back. Let’s see what we’ve got.”

I went back to the truck and put Snitz on his leash. We looked through the house, the barn, and a nice workshop with a concrete floor and 220 volt service. The only other key we had was for the pumphouse, and that’s not a tourist attraction in anybody’s book. We looked around the backyard, and saw his fallout shelter. The doors looked to be solid steel, Hard to tell how thick with them closed. Snitz went off when we were about twenty feet away. I snapped, “Nikki, scanner!”, and looked around.

“Back away from those doors, Caveman.”

I did and Snitz calmed down. “What’s in there, Space Cadet?’

“I don’t know, but it’s putting out enough infra and ultrasonics to keep anything away.”

“Whatever it is, it seems to be locked in tight. Problem for another day, I think.”

We made sure everything was locked up and went back over to John’s. He was as confused as we were by the strange cellar, but he did remember the Jones’ being in an awful hurry to unload the place, almost from the day they moved in. He said he thought they were renting a place so they didn’t have to stay there. I asked, “You didn’t mention this before I bought the place because?”

“We needed to get set up. You didn’t have time to haggle over some spooky old fallout shelter. How was I supposed to know it sounds like a saucer engine going flat out?”

“I see your point, but if this goes sideways, I’m hosed.”

“Partner, if this goes sideways, we’re all hosed.”

I went out to Lyla’s saucer, and started figuring out trajectories. John came out and said, “I’m headed for town, need anything?”

“My head examined? You’ve got keys for my place, right? Take anything you need from the freezer, and bring anything you think looks handy out of the safe.”

“You’re really expecting pirate trouble, aren’t you?”

“Can you honestly say you’re not?”

“Nossir, I can’t. Be back soonest, but Lyla wants to see some of the stuff Nikki has been talking about.”

“Be careful, Son, it’s loaded.”

“Yes, Dad.”

I got the flight plans as good as they were going to get, and headed back to the house. My phone rang, saying Jack was calling. “Hello, Jack, should I assume the position and wait for you to arrive, or is this a social call?”

“Anybody ever mention you’re an asshole, Bob?”

“I have heard it mentioned, now that you bring it up.”

“John has me coming to a surprise party for you tonight. I know how much you like surprises, and I don’t want to fill out the paperwork for a new vest, so I thought I would warn you.”

“I had already gotten wind of it, but thank you for thinking of me. Did you ever find out any more about that smoke trail?”

“You were the only one to admit to seeing it, and you were drunk off your ass, so no.”

“Well, least you’re not a Mountie, don’t have to feel bad about letting one slip.”

“See you tonight, asshole.”

“See you then, John Law.”

Nikki asked, “Who was on the phone?”

“Was Jack. Wanted to make sure John wasn’t actually trying to surprise me.”

“Why’s that?”

“Sometimes I don’t react well to surprises.”

“So an alien with a broken saucer parked in your garage isn’t a surprise?”

“Tell you the truth, I figured you had a big nasty ray gun, and would blow my head clean off if I acted the least bit jumpy.”

“Kinda glad I didn’t, now.”

“Kinda!?”

“You’re so easy to wind up, Caveman.”

We had lunch, and then I rigged an ammo can in Lyla’s saucer with a ground strap. I didn’t know what else to do, so I played with Snitz till John and Lyla got back. I helped them unload, and Snitz made sure everything smelled right. I said to John, “Jack called, said he wanted to make sure you weren’t really trying to surprise me. Seems he’s worried I might overreact.”

“Can’t imagine why. It was only the one time, and you saw who it was before you got your gun out.”

“Some people are touchy that way, I guess.”

By the time we had it all set up, it was time to start the fire. John had a nice big brick firepit out back. I asked, “So, John, do you think throwing that tracker at the pirates is really a good plan?”

“With the resources and intel we have, I don’t see anything better, Bob.”

“I kinda hoped you had something better.”

“Me too, but I racked my brain the whole time I was gone, and nothing.”

“Wait a minute! You were riding around with Lyla, and you were thinking about our problems? You sure you’re feeling alright?”

“Okay, maybe I wasn’t worrying about the plan the whole time.”

“Whew! I thought you were turning monk or something.”

Jack showed up. It was always odd to see him out of uniform in his own car. “Hey, Jack, glad you could make it.”

“So where is the surprise?”

“In the garage, but that’s for after supper.”

Nikki wandered out with Snitz. “Bob, can you walk him, he’s getting whiney again.”

“Sure. Come meet Jack. Jack, this is my fiancé, Nikki.”

“Your what? Bob the bachelor roped and tied? That’s your surprise, right there, mister.”

Nikki held her hand. “He got me this, and a puppy, too.”

Jack walked with me while Snitz decided exactly which plant needed his fertilizing assistance today. “So you’re engaged. How did that happen?”

“Found her broke down, by the time we got her back on the road, we had it bad for one another. She tried to go back home, ‘bout tore me up. She came back in a couple of weeks, and if I have anything to say about it, she’s not getting away again.”

“That’s a Bob story, if I ever heard one. Found her broke down and fell in love. I swear, Bob, if you don’t have something to fix, you’re just lost.”

By the time we finished eating, it was getting dark. I motioned to John, and he said, “Come on, Jack, it’s time for the surprise.”

Jack said, “All of a sudden, I feel a need to update my will.”

John came back with, “What does not kill us makes us stronger.”

“I broke my toothbrush this morning. I don’t need to be any stronger.”

“Snitz, come here, boy.” I put on his leash and handed it to Nikki. “He doesn’t like surprises either.”

Lyla followed us out to the garage. When I turned on the lights, Jack said, “Damn, Bob, that looks real. How long have you been working on it?”

“Since the day you came asking about it.”

“Right.”

“Lyla, could you fire it up, please?”

She stepped in, and shortly the saucer faded out. Jack said, “A hologram, this big?”

“It’s still there, Jack. Feel for it.”

He took a couple steps forward and ran into it. I asked, “Do you want to go aboard?”

“I guess. Where are the gray dudes?”

“She walked right by you. Didn’t you see her?”

“Lyla? What? My brain is full.”

“So you have two options. We could take you for a joy ride, once around the block, or you can come with us a little later, and see the moon.”

“What’s wrong with seeing the moon? You wouldn’t have given me an option, otherwise.”

“Oh, that would be the pirates.”

“I gotta hang out with you guys more. This is way better than traffic stops.”

“And the zero gee.”

“You got barf bags?’

“Lots.”

“I’m in.”

We waited till nearly moonrise, to give the longest run before we had to cut off the drive. Lyla was piloting, with John and Jack aboard, just because they could. Nikki helped me transfer the tracker from John’s grounded box to the box on the saucer. Lyla cruised out of the garage, and started the flight program I had written and she had checked. John passed out motion sickness meds, and we crossed our fingers. All too soon, the time for gravity was over. I was glad I hadn’t eaten as much as I sometimes do. It still wanted to come up and discuss things with me, but it wasn’t too insistent. We coasted, like Apollo, but way faster. We would have to fire the drive to slow down enough so we could loop around like we needed. Finally the moment came, and I got out the tracker. They laughed when I stuck an empty zip top bag to each side of it with double sided tape.

Nikki had on her uniform, with the gloves. She pulled up her head bubble, and opened the door. That was scary, but a force field held in the air. I need one of those for my shorts. She grabbed the tracker in one hand and stuck it through the force field. As soon as it hit vacuum, the bags inflated with what little air they had inside. Nice soft pillows for a cushiony landing, I hoped. When Lyla gave her the signal she let go. She closed things back up, and Lyla blipped the drive to put us on track for the trip home. Then she shut down again. We all watched the scanner to see what would happen. We never did figure what signal the tracker put out, so we couldn’t see it, but as we came around the moon, the pirate base was lit up like a Christmas tree. Suddenly, there was a bright flash that filled the screen. Nikki and Lyla, in unison, said, “SNAGFART!!!”. Nikki turned to us and said, “Somebody just broke about three dozen safety rules jumping this far into a system.”

The instrument panel began blinking a message. I asked, “What, pray tell, does that say?”

“It says law enforcement drive override. Your drive is offline. Please contact authorities if you need assistance.”

I said, “Look at the scanner.” All the points that had been there for the base were gone. “I’m thinking the override was for them, not us, just an area effect.”

Another message came up, not flashing, looking fairly normal. Nikki said, “It says, ‘Thank you for your assistance, we have your information and will be in contact regarding the rewards you are due.’”

John and I said in unison, “Rewards?”

“Yes, Caveman, people who help catch pirates get rewards.”

I said, “That sounds good, but we’ve got to come up with a way to launder gold coins into money we can actually spend.”

John replied, “Nobody I know could handle any significant weight. We need a new plan.”

Nikki and Lyla grinned. Nikki said, “Finally! Something we can help you with. We haff vays of making you rich.”

John looked pained. “That culture pack is something else. Tim Conway and Harvey Korman now?”

I replied, “Funny how the one they give us isn’t nearly as complete.”

Lyla said, “We’re out of the override field, can I go ahead and power up?”

“I don’t see why not. They obviously know we’re here. What do you think, John?”

“Might still want to enter the atmosphere on the side away from the moon and get home quick. They can probably track us anyway, but it might help.”

“Sound about right to you ladies?”

Nikki answered, “Why are you guys still worried?”

“The pirates may have some monitoring station that their friends can come and check later when the law has left the neighborhood. We don’t want to leave a big arrow pointing to our behinds with a sign saying ‘Kick Me’.”

Lyla spoke up, “Will it be alright if I go ahead and leave before sunup?”

John said, “I don’t see why not. We’ve kept you long enough as it is. Did you get enough for your story?”

“If I can’t make a story out of all this, I need to find a new line of work.”

“Come back and see us, if you’re in the neighborhood.”

I said, “Told you it was loaded”.

John looked exasperated and said, “I was just being polite. Just because some people rescue damsels in distress just to pick up girls, doesn’t mean everybody does.”

Nikki raged, “Damsels in distress!! You wait till I get hold of a squirt bottle, John. I’ll show you distress!”

John put up his hands in surrender. “You can jump in anytime, Bob.”

“I gotta sleep sometime, John, you’re on your own.”

“With friends like you, who needs an enema?”

“You think she’s gonna beat it out of you, do you?”

“Appears to be the case. Who’s gonna fix me up? I’m the only medic.”

Nikki cracked up at this point. “It’s just too damn hard to stay mad at you two idiots.”

We called Max to open the garage door. When we landed, Lyla went in the house to make sure she had gotten all her things. Personally, judging from the happy yips coming from inside, she just wanted to tell Snitz goodbye. She had paid John earlier in the day, so she gave hugs all around and climbed aboard. When she had gone, I ran the door down and we went inside. Max’s communicator rang, and he answered it. “Yes, this is Regimax Slongum, how may I help you?”

He listened for some time, and then said, “I’m afraid you are mistaken. It was my business partners, Mr. Wilson and Mr. Branham, who actually were involved in that. May I put Mr. Wilson on the phone, and you can discuss it with him?” He listened for a moment and handed me the phone.

“Bob Wilson, how can I help you?”

“Mr. Wilson, I’m told you were involved in pointing out the base the pirates were using on your planet’s satellite?”

Yes, along with a few others. Did we do something we shouldn’t have?”

“Not at all. I’m Major Rottum, and I’ve been tasked with paying out rewards to those involved.”

“Would it be acceptable to put you on speaker? Most of us are here now.”

“That would be fine. I just need to establish where you would like your coins delivered.”

I handed the phone back to Max, and he put it on speaker, and set it on the table. John said, “Major this is John Branham, nice to meet you. I’m wondering if there is any way to be paid in local currency, rather than gold?”

“Well, Mr. Branham, I’m sure something can be arranged. What did you have in mind?”

“To be able to continue assisting travelers, we need to keep from arousing too much attention from our government. We need to be able to access the funds in a way that seems believable and legitimate to the tax authorities. Beyond that, I haven’t had time to think it through.”

Nikki spoke up, “Major, this is guide Benikkious Slongum, ID # AZ3487-VQ9247-PK7623. Can you verify?”

“Yes, Ms. Slongum, we have you on file. What can I do for you?”

“I need to confirm the status of the participants in tonight’s little drama. As a guide, I am not eligible for any award. Ms. Bongwater declined any payout on the grounds she was present as a reporter, not a participant. Mr. Jack Conway, although present, was a passenger, and not materially involved in tonight’s actions. Therefore, the entire award should be split equally between Mr. John Branham and Mr. Bob Wilson, who were instrumental in the events of tonight.

I can provide recordings to support all that I have said if required.”

“That will not be necessary, Ms. Slongum. How do you suggest we arrange payment?”

“I recall a case in another sector where the payout was made to appear as an inheritance from a long lost relative. That will certainly work for one of the gentlemen, but both of them suddenly getting an inheritance would be too convenient, bound to draw attention. Perhaps a forgotten investment finally paying off, or something of that sort.”

“I suppose I’m failing to see exactly why the Patrol has an interest in making sure these gentlemen stay out of trouble with their tax authorities? Certainly they have done a service for us, but how are they our concern going forward?”

“A check of your records will show both men have achieved allowable contact status. As of now, they have fixed three separate situations which could have ended in exposure of our operations here. There is no reason to believe they will not continue to provide such service. I would think that would be a good and sufficient reason for you to provide them with such aid.”

“You make a good case, Ms. Slongum. Have you ever thought of becoming an attorney?”

“No, but I find a good grasp of the relevant regulations to be helpful in many situations. May we count on you, sir?”

“Certainly. I will forward details of the accounts as soon as they are set up. Thank you all for your service. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

John drew himself up, and delivered Nikki a crisp salute. “Ma’am, pleasure serving with you.”

“That won’t get you out of a water fight, John.”

“Didn’t expect it to. Just showing respect where it is due.”

“You cavemen say the nicest things. Is there a caveman charm school or something?”

I spoke up, “They’re called mothers, Nikki.”

“Your mothers teach you manners like that?”

“It’s self interest. They want grandkids.”

“Okay, I see that. On a different subject, do we need to get Jack cleared before he leaves?”

“Probably. Hey, Jack, you up for another surprise?”

“At this point, sure, why not.”

John started drawing up a shot, and Jack looked at him funny. “What’s that for?”

“The machine they use for this tightens your muscles. You can do it without the shot, but the headache is no fun.”

“Okay. I trust you, John.”

When Jack was checked out, he woke feeling fine. “So what was that all about?”

Nikki said, “You’re an acceptable contact now. It means you can interact with us freely. It also means that the machine says we can trust you, and we don’t have to take Bob’s word for it anymore.”

“Thanks. Hey John, is paintball still on for Sunday?”

“You think we’re gonna blow off recreation after all that’s been happening? Of course it’s still on.”

“I better get home. See you Sunday.”

I took Snitz for his walk, and apparently, our skies were clear tonight. John asked if we needed to set a watch again tonight. I said, “I’ll see if Nikki can set an alarm on her scanner. I doubt they’ll be able to figure out what happened to their base this quickly.”

Nikki was able to set it up, no problem. We crashed out, and once again, we had company.

I woke to Snitz’s tongue in my ear again. “Yes, pup, me too. I’m getting up.”

When we got back from finding the dry plant, and the plant that needed fertilized, Nikki was waiting in the kitchen. She gave me the quiet sign, and whispered, “I have an idea. Be quiet.”

I didn’t know what she was up to, but she took Snitz’s leash and sneaked away. Soon enough, her evil plan was revealed. I heard John yelling, “Ack, dog, how did you get in here? I’m awake, I’m awake. Get your tongue out of my ear!”

I figured it would take coffee to smooth this over, so I started a pot. Nikki came with a leash and no Snitz. “I got John. I got him good.”

“You’re sneaky, Space Cadet.”

“Oh, Caveman, what are you buttering me up for?”

“I was hoping you would back me up when we clear that ‘fallout shelter’.”

“Always. You know that.”

“Yeah, but I like to hear you say it.”

John wandered in, looking grumpy. “So you’ve graduated from squirt bottles to dog licks?”

“Snitz is smart. You should have seen him standing on his hind legs to open that door. It was amazing. I was too flustered by it all to stop him.”

“Where did you say those waders are, Bob?”

“Still at my old place, I’m afraid. Sounds more like you need a snorkel.”

Nikki snorted. “A snorkel. It’s so deep he needs a snorkel. That’s funny.”

There was a knock at the door. When I opened it, there was a lady in a uniform I didn’t recognize. She looked from my face to her watch, and asked, ”Mr. Wilson?”

“Yes, I’m Bob Wilson, how may I help you?”

“Mr. Wilson, these documents provide you with access to the funds you are owed by the Patrol. Will you please examine them, to see if they are correct?”

I looked at the papers, and it appeared to all be legit. The number of zeros was a bit of a surprise, but I tried not to let it show. “Everything appears to be in order. Do I need to sign something?”

“No sir. My recording of your acknowledgment is legally binding. Is Mr. Branham here as well?”

“He is. If you would come with me, please?”

John was still in the kitchen, coming to grips with morning. I said, “John, this young lady has some paperwork for you. Something about child support, I believe.”

John sputtered until the lady said, “Mr. Branham, these documents have nothing to do with child support. You should perhaps, look into more serious companions. Mr. Wilson seems to enjoy your discomfort.”

John said, “It’s certainly nothing I wouldn’t do for him. What do the documents have to do with, if I may ask?”

“Certainly, these documents are the arrangements for you to receive your portion of the bounties and rewards for last night’s captures. Would you please examine them and see if you have any objections?”

John looked up and asked, “Nikki, do you mind going over this with me?”

“Not at all, John. I’m surprised Bob didn’t have that much sense.”

After a minute, they agreed it was kosher. John said, “I find these documents to be in order. Thank you.”

The lady in uniform turned smartly, and left. I looked out the window and saw the door of her saucer open. It looked even smaller than Nikki’s. I asked, “They don’t have to go very far in those little things, do they?”

Nikki said, “Probably no farther than Neptune.”

We got some breakfast going. When we were about done eating, Max came wandering in with Snitz. Nikki said, “We saved you some, Dad, but don’t feed the mooch.”

I asked John, “Can I leave these papers in your safe until I have time to take them to town and get it all squared away?”

“No problem. What are you up to today?”

“I need to take training on why the drives make so much noise Snitz can hear, and we need to check into that cellar over at the other place. You up for helping with that?”

“I suppose. I ain’t afraid of no ghost.”

“Just don’t cross the streams.”

Nikki said, “Another movie, I bet.”

I looked at John, “Did you see that, didn’t even use her watch.”

“She’s got us pegged.”

Once we had gotten cleaned up, we loaded what we thought we might need in John’s Wagoneer. It might have been fun bouncing the shifter off Nikki’s knees, but John’s rig was more practical.

Nikki came up from the barn with a load of equipment, saying, “I grabbed everything I thought might give us an idea what’s going on. I let my watch analyze the numbers from yesterday. The results it came up with are just plain weird. It thinks we’re seeing an old style saucer powerplant, that’s been run at idle for a long time, and is about to fail.”

“Some of your people left something down there, and it needs service? We just happen to be handy? Where did I leave my tinfoil hat?”

“Oh, Caveman, it probably is wrong. Don’t get all freaked out, just because we’re in the middle of another coincidence.”

John came out, with a Geiger counter, and a couple of instrument cases I didn’t remember seeing before. He said, “Are we ready?”

I replied, “No. Let’s do it anyway.”

“Good enough.”

Apparently, Nikki’s powers of persuasion only work on me. John drove.

When we got to the other house, we grabbed what we thought would be most useful. I got a flashlight, and a pair of bolt cutters. John had his Geiger counter and a sniffer of sort. Nikki had a strange harness that held three tablet looking scanners in front of her at an easy working height.

“Nice rig. Do a lot of survey work?”, I asked.

“Enough to know the right tools.”

We walked around back, and Nikki motioned us to stay back while she scanned the area. She came back and said, “Sorry, Caveman. It looks like there really is a drive core down there. You are permitted one minute to freak out if you need it.”

“Can I reserve that for future use?”

“Just until we’re through here. Then it expires.”

John remarked, “She’s tough.”

I said, “You two stay here and tell if any readings change. I’m going in for a look.”

I strode up to the doors. As I got closer, I realized they weren’t steel at all, they were wrought iron. I called out, ”This has been here a long time. These are iron doors, not steel. This is nobody’s fallout shelter.” When I got close enough to see the detail of the lock, I realized it was of a very old design as well. I grabbed it to get a better look at the keyhole, as it would be a shame to cut a beautiful old lock. I woke up on the ground, with John waving smelling salts under my nose. I slapped his hand away. “What happened?’

“Gee, Bob, Nikki and I were kinda hoping you could tell us. One second you’re looking at an old lock, the next you’re passed out cold. Did it zap you or something?”

“Nope. Get your stuff, we need to go in town to my old place for a minute.”

“I brought lockpicks, silly.”

“I don’t think we need them. I think I’ve seen the key to that lock.”

“Now I need that tinfoil hat. What about you, Nikki?”

Nikki didn’t answer. She was staring, a million miles away. Suddenly she looked at me and said, “How?’

“My great grandpa gave it to me when I was little. He said I might need it one day. He said I would need a watch, too, but he hadn’t been able to get ahold of it. Dad always told me he was just old and out of his head, but I kept the key.”

“Hey John, you got another one of those tinfoil hats? I’m getting a little freaked out here.”

“Fresh out, Nikki. You’ll have to fold your own.”

I had John stop by the road, so I could empty the mailbox. Then we went to the house. Nikki and John both pocketed scanners on their way out of the truck. I waived at the neighbor who had casually wandered out. As the door opened, Nikki was around me like a rocket. I thought she was just in need of a nature break, but when I got to the bedroom, she was busy scanning the key hanging over the headboard. “What are you finding, Space Cadet?”

“This may be shaped like an Earth key, but it ain’t from around here. Especially not as old as you say this is.”

“How do you mean?”

“Your high-end aerospace industry could probably turn out this alloy, in small quantities, if they knew the right formula, which they haven’t come close to yet.”

“The defense rests. Did I fry my junk wearing it around my neck for years?”

“No radiation at all. Your junk is safe. Might as well be in a safe, as far as I’m concerned.”

“When we get married, you may change your tune.”

“Promises, promises.”

“A ginormous living room, with tiny Space Cadets and miniature Cavemen as far as the eye can see.”

“I’m scared. Hold me, no wait a minute, don’t!”

John walked in and said, “Okay, you two, play time’s over. Let’s get back to work.”

I locked up, and we headed back to the new place. Sure enough, great grandpa’s key fit just right and opened the lock. I was trembling as I looped the chain the key was on around my neck, and stuck the lock in a pocket. The doors shocked me by being easy to open. This place gave me all sorts of willies. Pulling out my flashlight, I looked down the stairs. The tunnel bent past the landing at the bottom, so I couldn’t see much. I turned and asked, “Any change since I opened the door?”

Nikki said, “I’m getting a clearer reading now, but nothing seems different.”

John said, “All good here, Bob.”

Being fresh out of excuses, I started down the steps. They seemed really well made for as old as they were supposed to be. I got to the last step, and had to take a deep breath to gather my wits and turn the corner. The first thing I saw was the power core. It was bigger than any of the ones I had learned about so far. I followed the cables to one wall of the tunnel. There was something there pretty much anybody who had watched science fiction would recognize. An autodoc, or a suspended animation chamber, something of that nature. It took a minute to gather myself, and then I turned and yelled, “Nikki, John, I need you down here. Now!!”

John crept around the corner, not knowing what to expect. I said, “Hello, Doctor, I believe I’ve found the patient.”

“I think you may have. Nikki, we really do need you in here.”

Nikki came around the corner with a pistol out. I knew she must have a weapon of some sort, but until now I hadn’t seen it. She said, “Convince me you’re still yourselves.” I looked at John. He whispered, “Eastbound”. I nodded. Together, we sang, “Eastbound and down, loaded up an’ truckin’. We got a long way to go, and a short time to get there, we’re gonna do what they say can’t be done.” I asked, “That work?”

“I can never unhear that, you know. You two will pay.”

I asked, “So what are we looking at, Space Cadet?”

“My butt, if I know you two. This is an older model suspension chamber. It has limited medical repair capabilities.”

“So can you wake the patient, with John’s help?”

“Either the machine brings them out, or they die. There isn’t much to do for a suspension failure.”

“Is that core still putting out enough to wake them up?”

“Let me check the control panel.”

She wiped the dust off a set of controls, and said, “It claims a thirty percent margin past what would be safe for a wakeup.”

“Do you think that’s enough? Do you know what kind of power it needs?”

“I would rather go ahead, than wait till we can figure out an alternative power source.”

I realized I was asking questions I should be able to answer myself. I found the nameplate and rubbed it off. “Let’s see, forty-three, and that’s the symbol for volt, but theirs is a little different than ours. Six hundred cycles per, but they don’t use our seconds, either. By the time I did the conversions and monkey something up, it would be at least a week. I’d rather go ahead.”

John said, “If we’ve got thirty percent, let’s go for it, unless you think we can get the Patrol in here to help.”

Nikki said, “Based on the age of everything, I’m pretty sure whoever is in there was here illegally. The Patrol would arrest them as soon as they woke up.”

“Well, then, it seems we’re agreed. Wake ‘em up, Nikki.”

“Snagfart!! I’ve never seen a chamber set up like this before. It needs the patient’s badge to accept a wakeup command.”

Nikki ran her scanner, but there was no badge anywhere in the cellar. We searched, hoping to find a clue where the badge might be, but all we found were supplies, apparently left for the fellow in the chamber when he woke up. Bags of what had been jerky and hardtack, and a can full of what appeared to have been pemmican. John asked, “How long do you think he’s been here?”

I replied, “Not over, let’s see, nineteen and twenty-seven makes forty-six, so not over a hundred and forty-six years. Given the kind of provisions he was left, I doubt much less than a hundred and ten.”

Nikki said, “Now you’re just pulling numbers out of the air, Caveman.”

“Nope. See this rifle? It’s an 1873 Winchester. See these pistols? They’re 1873 Colts. So he wasn’t put down here before 1873, 146 years ago. The other end is fuzzier, though. Pemmican and hardtack fell out of favor for food storage somewhere around the turn of the century, but I’m not historian enough to get it very close.”

“Okay, Caveman. I don’t know if that’s impressive or scary, but I’ll take it.”

John said, “How does that help us though?”

I replied, “At least we have an idea where to look for the badge in the historical record.”

John said, “You think it still exists?”

“I don’t know, but I think it’s our best option for getting this thing open. Let’s close this back up for now, and drop off some equipment back at your place. I have some errands to run, and then we can hit the historical society and see if we can get some idea where to look for that danged badge.”

Nikki seemed dazed. I asked, “What’s wrong, Space Cadet?”

“Just thinking how that could have been me, if you weren’t so good at fixing things.”

“It’s all good, hun. We’re gonna get him out.”

“You think he’ll be okay, after all this time?”

“You know the tech better than me. What do you think?”

“If anything had gone wrong, it should be obvious, but I’ve never heard about anybody being in one of those for this long.”

“You know we’ll do all we can for him, right?”

“Of course, Caveman, I know that.”

As I locked the cellar, Great Grandpa’s words came screaming back. “You’ll need the watch too, but I couldn’t lay hands on that.”

“I know what we’re looking for, more or less.”

John wondered, “How?”

“I told you about Great Grandpa’s crazy stories, right? When he gave me the key, he said I would need the watch too, but he hadn’t been able to get it.”

Nikki said, “A watch? Holding up her arm, like this?”

“No. Given the time period, it would nearly have to be a pocket watch. About so big around.” I said, holding my fingers in a circle.

“Why so big?”

“At the time, making a gear train small enough to pack a clock in a package wrist sized was too expensive for most people.”

When we were loaded for the trip back to John’s, he said, “I know that look, Bob. You’ve got a plan.”

“Start of one, anyway. In my safe, I’ve got the title search on this place. That will tell us who owned the property 146 years ago. It’s a place to start, at least.”

“You think their descendants have the watch?”

“At the very least, I think they might have another clue.”

We got back to John’s, and unpacked some gear, no use dragging it all over town. Max asked, “No luck, huh?”

Nikki said, “We had some luck, we found a suspension chamber. It’s just keyed to the patient’s badge, and that’s gone missing.”

“Did you try the override code?”

“I tried all the ones I knew. Is there an old one that’s fallen out of use?”

“Not that I know of.”

“Bob says it could have been there as much as 146 of their years.”

“How could he tell so specifically?”

“Artifacts that weren’t produced before that date.”

“What kind of artifacts are that specific?”

“Guns that weren’t produced until 1873.”

The title search showed the owner back then to be Ezra Johnson. I dropped John and Nikki off at the library, to see what they could learn about him, while I went to the bank to take care of some business.

“Morning, Mr. Wilson, what can we do for you today?”

“Well, it’s all kind of strange, apparently I had a rich uncle I didn’t even know about. He’s died, and left me a considerable sum. I want to see about getting it transferred to this bank, so that I can access it more easily.”

“I’m sure we can take care of that for you. Is that the paperwork?”

“Yes.” I handed him the papers.

“Oh! This is a considerable sum.”

“Ain’t it though! I’ll need help managing it, I’m sure. Luckily, Uncle’s attorneys already dealt with estate taxes.” I said, pointing to one of the papers.

“Yes, that is good. How much of this did you want to transfer today?”

“Let’s see. I owe the bank about a half million for the place I just bought, and I’d like a good chunk to mess around with, without endangering the rest of it. How about two and half? Sound about right?”

“Two and a half million, sounds very good. I’ll set up the wire transfer, and you can put in your security info.”

“I’d like to pay off my loan today, if that’s possible. I’ll need about a half million in checking, for improvements on the new place, and the rest somewhere it can draw some interest.”

“That sounds good. I can take care of all of that right here.”

I wondered how much commission he would get for his morning’s work. Certainly something had him in a good mood since I came in. I entered some passwords, signed some papers, and got out of dodge. I’d been banking there a long time, but I never got a handshake as heartfelt as when I got up to leave.

When I got back to the library, Nikki and John were sitting out front, waiting. I got out and threw John his keys. “Hope I didn’t keep you sitting here too long.”

“It’s a nice day, Caveman. Besides, we just finished up.”

“Learn a lot?”

John answered, “Old Ezra died suddenly, and his son-in-law took the place over. Sounds like he didn’t get along with the old man, and sold a bunch of his stuff, including, and I quote, ‘a treasured pocket watch’. The librarian suggested we might have better luck at the historical society.”

“Let’s head over there, then.”

Nikki asked, “Can we get lunch first?”

“Sure.”

Julie traded tables with the other waitress so she could serve us. She saw Nikki’s ring right away. “That’s a nice one. So you caught him, did you?”.

“He claims he caught me. He got me a puppy, too. I’m not gonna do better than that.”

“Don’t suppose you are. Are you woman enough to keep this old fart in line?”

“It’s a struggle, every day, but I do my best.”

“You know, Nikki, I think you just might do.”

After lunch, we headed over to the historical society. The older lady at the desk greeted us. “May I help you?”

“Well, ma’am, we don’t rightly know, but we came to ask.”

“I never let your Pappy get away with that crap, and you won’t either, Robert Wilson!”

“No ma’am. We’re looking for information about Ezra Johnson and his family.”

“I don’t really have anything but newspaper articles. I assume you already got those from the library?”

John said, “Yes, ma’am.”, while holding up a folder full of copies.

“Wait a minute. Ezra Johnson, you said?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“His granddaughter, Delilah Mayfield, still lives over at Shady Oaks. Last time I visited with her, she still had her mind. She might be able to tell you something.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

“Take her chocolates. She likes Russell Stover.”

“Yes ma’am.”

After we found a nice sized box of chocolates, we went to Mrs. Mayfield.

“Do I know you young folks?”

“No ma’am. Mrs. Books over at the Historical Society sent us. She mentioned you might have need of some chocolates?”

“Well, boy, I’ll at least listen to what you have to say, if you put it that way.”

I figured beating around the bush wouldn’t get us much of anywhere. I pulled out great granddad’s key and laid it on the table. “I think my Great Grandpa snagged that when your Grandpa died. He said there was a watch that went with it. We were wondering if you could help us with where that might be.”

“What do you need my Grandpa’s watch for, boy?”

“It’s time to wake him up, ma’am.”

“You’re telling me Grandpa’s stories were true? My Daddy always claimed he was crazy as a bedbug.”

“I don’t know for sure what your Grandpa told you, but if it was there was a man sleeping in the root cellar, then yes ma’am, they were.”

“My stars and garters. You all have made my whole week. Is there any way I could see all this?”

“The steps are pretty steep, but we might could carry you down.”

“Ain’t your pretty little girl there gonna get jealous, you go to carrying some other woman around?”

“Oh, I’ll pay for it, but you’re worth it.”

“Sure got your Daddy’s smooth talkin’, didn’t ya?”

“Suppose so. I’m guessing that watch got sold off to who knows where?”

“Nossir. I know where. Used to go visit it, till they made me give up my license. Beat the Mayor’s boy one time street racin’, and they tell me I’m a danger to other drivers. I think the little wimp was just too embarrassed to run ‘em again.”

Nikki said, “I like your style, ma’am. Do you think I could grow up to be you?”

Mrs. Mayfield came back with, “If you’re woman enough to keep this one in line, I don’t think you have much choice.”

Getting Mrs. Mayfield a day pass didn’t go too well, since we weren’t family. Suddenly I was glad I had gotten some spending money while I was at the bank. Mr. Franklin was able to negotiate a peaceful settlement.

Mrs. Mayfield directed us to the little museum in town. She said, “It used to have its own case, with a card saying it belonged to Grandpa. Then the new curator decided it had to be a modern fake, since it never needs winding, and always keeps the exact right time. Little prick at least let me go into the storage room and see it, though.”

“Hello, welcome to our museum. Oh, Mrs. Mayfield, I didn’t think you’d be coming around anymore.”

I said, “Do you still have her Grandfather’s watch?”

“That cannot be her Grandfather’s watch. As I have told Mrs. Mayfield time and time again, it simply must be a modern fake.”

“Then it is of no historic value?’

“None whatsoever.”

“Well, then it’s just taking up space you could be using for something that does have historic value. Seems to me, the wise course would be to sell it, and use the money to improve the collection. How much?”

“Excuse me?”

“How much for the watch? You obviously don’t want it, so how much?”

“I couldn’t. I’m sorry, we don’t do that sort of thing.”

“A thousand dollars, right now.”

“What! No I, we don’t”

“Five thousand.”

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

“Ten.”

Finally, his face began to register that I was serious. “Even if it is a fraud, it is an important part of local history. It sat in a place of honor in this museum for many years.”

“Twenty. Final offer. Surely you have a board or something you answer to who would be more reasonable.”

“All right. How do you intend to pay?”

“Let me call my banker and see what he suggests.” I called the bank and asked for the fellow I did business with that morning. “Hi, this is Bob Wilson, sorry to bother you again.”

“No problem at all, Mr. Wilson. What can I do for you?”

“I’m purchasing an item for twenty thousand dollars. The buyer is, understandably concerned about my method of payment. What would you suggest?”

“I would suggest you let me draw up a bank draft, and I’ll bring it over. Who will be the payee?”

“The county museum. They have a family heirloom of a friend of mine, and she would like it back.”

“You’re at the museum now?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes, Mr. Wilson.”

“Well, then, my banker will be here with a draft in ten minutes. Is that acceptable?”

He paled, “Yes, yes it is.”

“May we see the watch now?”

“Of course.”

He led us back to the storeroom. Mrs. Mayfield turned to Nikki and said, “Your man gets things done, don’t he?”

“Yes ma’am, he does.”

The curator brought out a box. Inside was a fairly ordinary railroad watch, still running. I handed it to Nikki and asked, “Can you and Mrs. Mayfield make sure this is the right watch?”

“Sure, Caveman.”

Mrs. Mayfield said, “Caveman, huh. What does he call you, ‘Space Cadet’?”

Nikki looked a little shocked, and then asked, “How did you know?”

“Lucky guess.”

Nikki passed the pocket watch near her watch. I could see the display react, but of course I had no idea what it meant. She handed it to Mrs. Mayfield, who popped open the cover and read, “To my good friend Ezra, from Dingus.”

She then said, “This is the real thing, Mr. Wilson.”

Nikki was still looking stunned. I asked, “Are you okay, Sweetheart?”

“I’m not sure. We need to get back as soon as we can.”

We heard the front door, and sure enough, there was Mr. Creech, from the bank. He said, “I hope this will suffice, as he showed it to the curator.”

“Yes. Very nicely, thank you.”

Mr. Creech said, “Just sign here, Mr. Wilson.”

I signed and shook hands with both men. Then we got out of there. Mrs. Mayfield said, “Mr. Wilson, if that’s all that comes of this, I’ll die a happy woman, having seen him get his comeuppance.”

“Pleasure to be of service, ma’am.”

Then she said to Nikki, “Hang on to that one. He’s a keeper.”

“Yes ma’am, I think so too. Bob, we need to talk about something before we open the chamber.”

“Go ahead, Space Cadet.”

Mrs. Mayfield smiled.

“The name on this badge, it’s Dingolus Slongum. My Grandfather was named Dingolus. I thought he died in an accident.”

“No chance of another fellow with the same name?”

“There’s only one family of Slongums in the Guides. It’s him.”

“Should we call Max?”

“I don’t think it would help. His brain is gonna cramp up. Might as well just be once.”

Mrs. Mayfield asked, “Who’s Max?”

Nikki replied, “My Dad.”

When we got back, John and I helped Mrs. Mayfield back to the cellar. She said, “Just like I remember. You’d think those doors would rust, but they never do.”

I unlocked the door, and John went down first to set the lanterns he brought from the Jeep.

Then I carried Mrs. Mayfield down the steps. She winked at Nikki when I picked her up, and said, “I’ll give him back, if you ask nice.”

Nikki giggled.

Mrs. Mayfield was stunned. “It’s just like Grandpa told me. The man sleeping in the box. And all the supplies for when he wakes up. Thank you, Mr. Wilson, you’ve made me a happy woman. I always knew Grandpa wasn’t crazy, but now I know for sure.”

“My pleasure, ma’am. Okay, Nikki, it’s time.”

Nikki put the watch in a little tray on top of the chamber. This time when she started punching buttons, things began to happen. Mrs. Mayfield, John, and I backed up to give her room to work.

Soon enough, the box began to open. We heard groaning, and then, “Ezra, is that you?”

Nikki came to attention. “No, Major, it is I, Ensign Benikkious Slongum of the Guide.”

“Slongum, do you know my boy Regimax?”

“He is my father, sir.”

“At ease, Slongum. I take it I’ve been sleeping a little longer than I intended?”

“As near as we can tell, Sir, a little more than a hundred local years.”

“And you are my granddaughter?’

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, quit sirring me, and help me out of this contraption.”

Dingolus was understandably somewhat stiff, but with Nikki’s help, he sat up on the side of the chamber. “Who are these folks, then? More descendants?”

“These two gentlemen are accepted contacts. Please meet Mr. Bob Wilson and Mr. John Branham.”

“Gentlemen.” He nodded at us.

In unison, “Major.” with nods back.

“The lady is the granddaughter of your friend Ezra. Apparently, he died before he was able to pass on the means to wake you.”

“Wait, now. Ezra had a friend named Wilson. Good man, as I recall. Your people, Mr. Wilson?”

“My Great Grandpa. He gave me the key before he died. He said he hadn’t been able to get the watch. Mrs. Mayfield helped us with that.”

“Not that I’m not grateful, but why wake me now?”

“Well, sir, we found the cellar completely by accident. When I saw the lock, I realized I had the key to it. We came down to see what was here, and found you. Your power core was nearly worn out, so we thought it best to get you up before it ran out. Nikki found that we needed your badge to open the chamber, so we researched until we found Mrs. Mayfield, who knew where it was being kept.”

“Nikki, that would be short for Benikkious?”

“It would, sir.”

“And you are on such terms with her because?”

“We plan to marry, as soon as we can get her papers for this planet.”

“That would explain the hardware on her hand. What does her father think of all this?”

“Why don’t you ask him that, he’s not far away.”

“Let me gather a few things. Have much of my supplies survived?”

“Your weapons look good. I would test the ammunition before you depend on it. Most of the food is not in any state to eat, but if you’re desperate, the pemmican might have survived.”

“I assume there is food where Regimax is?”

“Yessir.”

“Let me get my guns then. Nikki, can you recharge my ancient pistol, do you think?”

“If I can’t, I bet Bob can whip up an adapter for it.”

“I can do without it for a while. I’ve grown accustomed to the native weapons.”

I asked, “Do we need to shut down your power core before we leave?”

“Good idea. I’ll get it.”

He flipped a couple of switches and I felt the dread from the infrasonics fade away. He must have really oiled everything before he laid down, because his gun belt didn’t fall to dust when he put it on, and all of his guns seemed to work. He loaded everything and grabbed a few boxes of ammo.

Nikki and Dingus headed on up, while John stayed behind to collect lights. I asked Mrs. Mayfield, “Ready for another ride?”

“Anytime, big boy.”

When we exited, Nikki commented on my red cheeks. I said, “She’s almost as ornery as you.”

Dingus wandered off a little ways, then suddenly drew one pistol and fired while drawing the other. He then fired that one as well. He holstered both, picked up his rifle, and fired again. He turned and said, “They appear to be working. I’ll be right back.” He came back with two rabbits and a squirrel, saying, “Anyone hungry?”

John said, “Come on, we’ll clean ‘em at the house.”

“The house is right here.”

“No, my house. Bob’s not moved in yet.”

“All right then, where are the horses?”

Nikki said, “Things are different, Grandpa. No horses.”

I wound up sitting in the back, with the game. Dingus found that humorous, but managed to keep it to himself. Mrs. Mayfield was sitting in the back seat with him, and spoke up. ”Don’t you worry none about that one. He’s a good ‘un”

Dingus seemed a little surprised she would stick up for me, but he replied, “Yes, ma’am, I believe you’re right.”

Embarrassed by all that, I changed the subject. “Mrs. Mayfield, can you stay for supper?”

“You probably better call the home and tell them where I am, but I would love to. Matter of fact, I’ve got a recipe for rabbit stew I haven’t used in years. Don’t ‘spose I could try it out on you all?”

“Well, ma’am, I’ve got to warn you, if it’s anywhere near as good as I figure it is, this old truck might just break down, and us not be able to get you back to town. Good cooks don’t tend to get away, around these parts.”

“Mr. Wilson, how is it your eyes aren’t brown, as full of it as you are?"

There was a while there I wasn’t sure Dingus was moving air, he was laughing so hard. Finally he said, “Son, you been got.”

“What I get for messing with my betters.”

“She is that.”

Mrs. Mayfield turned a little red, at that. “You boys!”

Max looked up from scratching Snitz when we rolled in. He looked confused when he saw so many heads in the truck. John stopped, and I slid out to go help Mrs. Mayfield into the house. I was too late, because Dingus was already giving her a hand out. I went to unload the truck. Max had come around, collecting John on the way. He said, “The Patrol called. They are going to destroy the moon base next week. They said anything that got salvaged before then was fair game.” Then he saw the rabbits, and exclaimed, “Are those dead animals? You savages!”

“Talk to your Pop. They’re his kills.”

“My what!?”

He turned around and saw a man in the uniform of a Guides Major. He snapped to, “Sir, how may I help you?”

“You could stop being prissy for a minute, and come give me a hug, Reggie.”

Max fainted dead away. Luckily, John was quick enough to catch him before he cracked his head. John mumbled, “I’ve used more smelling salts in last couple weeks than I ever did before.”

Nikki took over helping Mrs. Mayfield, and Dingus came to see Max, uh, I mean Reggie.

“Had a horse fainted like that. Finally had to put him down before he hurt himself.”

Max’s eyes flew open. “Daddy?”

“You’re a grown man, Reggie. Have a little dignity.”

John and I cleaned Dingus’s game, while he and Reggie got reacquainted. In the house, Mrs. Mayfield greeted us with, “You boys did save them brains to do up the hides with, didn’t you? I surely could use a new rabbit hat.”

I looked at John, and he grinned back at me, “Yes ma’am. We’ll take care of that for you.”

She started cutting up the meat to go in her stew, and mumbled to herself, “Scrawny little squirrel, and he hit it while it was runnin’. If I was twenty years younger, I’d catch that man.”

Nikki looked up from cutting vegetables, red as a beet. It was all I could do not to laugh out loud.

The stew was excellent, as expected. Dingus spoke up, “This is your Grandpa’s recipe, ain’t it? I remember this from back when.”

“It is. Did I do it justice?”

“Lord, yes ma’am! Don’t suppose you’re single, cooking like that?”

“My Bill passed, rest his soul.”

“Sorry to hear that, ma’am.”

After supper, John had all the Slongums sit in a chair in front of a hanging bedsheet, so he could get started on getting them some local ID. Then he tossed me his keys, and said, “You better get Mrs. Mayfield home. We probably already got her in trouble.”

She spoke up, “Today was worth whatever it costs. They’ll probably dope me up for a couple of days, but I’ve made it through worse.”

John said, “What do you mean, dope you up, ma’am?”

“Oh, sleeping pills, a little something to calm me down, whatever comes handy. They know my kids ain’t gonna bother them as long as they keep me out of the way.”

John said, “I think we need to see if we can get you into a better situation. You mind cooking for room and board?”

“Young man, that is the best offer I’ve had in years.”

“I’ll see about some paperwork to get you loose from that mess. Does somebody have power of attorney for you?”

“My son got me to sign one, and then got me declared incompetent, so I can’t sign another one.”

Dingus spoke up, “Ma’am, if you’re incompetent, I surely would’ve hated to tangle with you when you had your wits about you.”

“You say the nicest things, Mr. Slongum. What was it that you wanted?”

“More of that stew, for starters.”

Dingus wanted to see the rest home, and Nikki had to explain that his gun belt would be out of place nowadays. John loaned him a hideout pistol, so he didn’t have to go unarmed, and he agreed to leave his Colts at John’s.

Dingus squired Mrs. Mayfield back to her room like she was the most precious thing in the world. I turned to Nikki and whispered, “I think your Grandpa’s got the hots.” She smiled.

If I hadn’t been looking at her, I surely would have missed her planting a bug in the bedside table. We all said goodnight, and promised we would be back soon.

Back in the truck, Dingus spoke up, “Nikki, these folks don’t have life extension?”

“Not yet. What we can tell from their media is that they’re getting close.”

“I’m guessing you have a vehicle?”

“I have use of one for a while yet.”

“How’s the medical facilities?”

“Not good enough for what you’re thinking, you old goat.”

I broke in, “Come with us this evening. We’ve got a chance to salvage a base. There might be what you’re looking for there.”

“Salvage? How did you get a chance at that?”

“The Patrol decided to put off destroying the place for a week, and look the other way.”

“They must think you fellas are really something. What did you do for them?”

“Showed ‘em where it was.”

“Who was running it?”

“Pirates.”

“We would have to check anything we brought back, make sure it’s in good shape.”

“Yessir, we would.”

I asked Nikki, “What can we do about suits for John and me?”

“First, the base is probably still holding pressure. Second, I started the printer on the saucer making you two suits as soon as Max mentioned salvage.”

“So I’m going to be spending the rest of my life trying to deserve a wife as sharp as you?”

Nikki and Dingus in unison, “You better!”

When we got to John’s, he said the IDs would be couriered in as soon as they were ready, and he had a hacker working to change the name on Mrs. Mayfield’s power of attorney. Max was left dog sitting again, while we all loaded up to go see what we could bring home from the pirate base.

I said, “I’ve got to figure out how to retune these drives, or Snitz is gonna wind up being Max’s dog.”

Dingus said, “Huh?”

“The drives put out a high-pitched noise that only dogs can hear. I want to see if I can tune them so he can ride with us.”

“Can bats hear those sounds?”, he said, with an odd look on his face.

“Bats use sound in that range like a scanner, to navigate in the dark.”

“That explains why they go nuts when you hide your saucer in a cave.”

“Sounds like there’s a story there.”

“And about a half ton of guano.”

“That’s got to be bad for your stealth.”

“Crawling out from under wasn’t much fun either.”

Nikki spoke up, “You guys can swap stories later. We’re here.”

“Do we have pressure?”, I asked.

“Pressure is good, looks like somebody hasn’t been doing upkeep on the air recyclers, though. Probably a little ripe.”

We exited into a large hangar. What caught my eye was a large cargo vessel. “I wonder if that is in shape to fly? Could save us a bunch of trips.” I left to check it out.

John asked, “Any idea where the medical facilities might be?”

Nikki played with a screen on the wall. “Here’s a map, I’ll have to translate, though. I can’t get it to display English.”

John said, “My bad. I really should do the language training.”

Dingus spoke up, “No shame in not wanting that headache. I’ve been known to put off training myself.”

John replied, “We have a shot to ward off the headache, but there is so much to learn, it’s hard to decide what to do first.”

“Nikki, we’ve cured training headache?”

“No, Grandpa, that’s all these two cavemen here.”

“You boys are sharper than you act.”

John said, “’Bout have to be, wouldn’t we?”

I started a full diagnostic on the freighter, and started looking for tools. I found a shop that looked like Christmas morning to me. Nikki wandered in and said, “This stuff is so old. Do you really want any of it?”

“The price is right, and it’s way better than what I can get on Earth. How can we load it?”

“There should be at least one robot around here set up to load and unload.”

Nikki fiddled with her watch, and said, “Looks like there are three of them.”

“Well, if I can’t get that freighter flying, it won’t matter. No way this stuff fits on the saucer we brought.”

John walked up, “I’ve found enough portable goodies to make it worth the trip, but if you can get that big one going, there’s some bigger stuff that would be really handy.”

I said, “Okay, go ahead and put as much of what you’ve found on the saucer as will fit. We’re going to have to make multiple trips, anyway. Hey, Nikki, how much weight can your saucer fly with?”

“About a ton and a half. We need that freighter”

“Any of the other craft in the hangar worth messing with?”

“Anything we can get home will be useful, but none of them really stood out.”

“I’ll go start diagnostics on the whole fleet, then.”

By the time I had all the diagnostics running, the freighter had finished. A few things were nearing their service intervals, but the only thing concerning were several stealth emitters that had gone out. Dingus was in the hangar, and I asked, ”Do you know much about stealth emitters?”

“Not so much. They’re pretty standard parts. You have some out?”

“Yep. Other than that, it looks okay to fly. Do you think they would have extras, or will we have to rob some off one of the other craft?”

“Let me check.” He fiddled with a wall screen, and said, “I found a case of them. Go ahead and start pulling the dead ones, and I’ll come behind and put in new.”

“Sounds good.”

Most of the bad emitters were in a patch on top of the ship. I found a rig that let me climb up and start work. Nikki called up, “So what’s the verdict, Caveman? Will it live?”

“Go ahead and start loading it with whatever looks useful. Your Grandpa and I have to fix the stealth, but the rest of it looks usable.”

“Anything special you want?”

“I think we’ll have time to get most everything. Might want to leave room for one of the robots, so we don’t have to unload by hand.”

“Good thinking, Caveman.”

Nikki and John had the ship full by the time Dingus and I finished the emitters. I asked, “How many trips does it look like it will take?”

John said, “There’s a lot of stuff, here. Even some of the physical plant we could take loose and bring. I think we just need to grab as much as we can, as long as we’re sure we get the really important pieces. We’ve burned too much time for a second trip tonight, but now that you’ve got the big boy ready to rock, we should be able to make two or three trips a night.”

“Do I have time to check the diagnostics on the other craft before we need to leave?”

“Yes, but we don’t have time to work on anything else.”

Dingus and I climbed down, and he said, “I’ll check this half, you get those.”

“Deal.”

When we were finished, I asked, “Dingus, can you fly that beast?”

“Sure. You riding with me?”

“I found one ready to fly, figured we might as well grab it. Patrol could change their mind, you know.”

John rode with Nikki, since none of his training had covered saucer operation, and Dingus and I followed them. When we got close, I called Max. “Max, wake up and open the garage and the barn. We’re coming in.”

“Wha... I don’t want to get up.”

“Reggie, shall I tell your Dad you’re a whiny little bitch?”

“Be right there Bob, sorry.”

We got all our vehicles under cover, and put the robot to unloading the freighter. Snitz had important business to take care of, and I went along to make sure he found his way back. In the house, everyone was tired. I found another cot for Dingus, and Snitz wound up between Nikki and me.

I smelled coffee, and drug myself out of bed. John was getting breakfast started. He said, “I’m sure Mrs. Mayfield could do better, but you’ll just have to suffer along till she gets here.”

“I’ve had your cooking before. No suffering to it. I’ll be glad to get her out of that place, though.”

“You and me both. Sounds like they are using chemical restraint on anybody who causes any trouble.”

“Yep. She deserves better. I think Dingus is plotting to rejuvenate her and sweep her off her feet.”

“Don’t think that will take much sweeping. She’s got the serious hots for him, too.”

“You think they could do something for my hip? It sure would be nice not to have to baby it.”

“Never hurts to ask.”

Dingus wandered in, wiping his ear. Snitz was at his heels. “Your friend here has decided I’m a member of the tribe. He just gave me the trial by spit.”

“He’s good for that.”

“Will we be able to retrieve Del, I mean Mrs. Mayfield from that awful place today?”

John said, “Not fooling anybody there, Dingus. We all saw those sparks flying yesterday. I’ll check after breakfast, and see what progress we’ve made.”

I asked, “How are we going to keep her asshole son from gumming up the works?”

John replied, “I have a plan in motion. I should have news by tonight.”

“Does it involve his kneecaps?”

“Only if he doesn’t take the money the first time.”

Dingus said, “You boys play for keeps. I like that.”

Zombie Nikki emerged from the basement. I said, “Quick, John, get her coffee!”

Nikki said, “Damn all you morning people.”

I said, “It’s afternoon.”

“Asshole!”

“Have you looked at the feed from your bug?”

“I have. We need to get her out as soon as we can. They have her so drugged up, she’s likely to say something she shouldn’t by mistake.”

I took Snitz out, and when we got back, breakfast was ready. Dingus looked like he was digging for China. He said, “Being asleep for a hundred years works up an appetite, it seems.”

While John was checking on his hacker’s progress, there was a knock at the door. It was a courier. I signed for the package, and gave her a nice tip for driving to the middle of nowhere. Opening the package, I found documents for our friends from out of town. I handed them out, and John walked in. “My hacker fixed the power of attorney online, but her son didn’t take the first offer, so I’ve scheduled a discussion for him with a more persuasive negotiator.”

“So we can pick her up today?”, I asked. “You need to come with us, she’ll need Narcan.”

“Sure. Do we need anything else in town?”

“Nikki and I have a couple of errands to run. You all want to get supper in town?”

Max asked, “What about Snitz?”

“He can sit in a vehicle while we eat.”

We took both trucks, to have room for everyone. Nikki and I stopped by the bank, and met everyone else at Shady Oaks. Even though I now had power of attorney according to the computer, Mr. Franklin and some of his cousins had to smooth things over. We packed up Mrs. Mayfield and got out of Dodge. John stopped at the city park, and I pulled in beside him. He gave Mrs. Mayfield the shot, and she slowly began to awaken. “Wha... , no, dammit, I’m not crazy. Get away!” Then she noticed she wasn’t at Shady Oaks. “Well, shit, you boys save the day again. Gonna have to get you some capes.”

Dingus asked, “How are you feeling, Mrs. Mayfield?”

“Sir, I think you need to call me Delilah. I’m feeling better all the time. What did you shoot me up with, John?’

“Just something to clear out all of that crap they had you high on.”

“That’s all?”

“Maybe a little caffeine to bring you around faster.”

I said, “We’ll meet you at the restaurant about five thirty. See you then.”

Mrs. Mayfield asked, “Where are them two off to?”

John said, “Not sure. He just said errands.”

“Is that what they’re calling it these days?”

Dingus said, “This sure is a pretty little park. Would you care for a stroll, Delilah?”

“Yes, I would.”

Nikki and I stopped at the courthouse. She said, “Courthouse. Are we in trouble, Caveman?”

“Nope. Just bring your paperwork, Space Cadet.”

We found the window marked ‘Marriage Licenses’ and said, “Ooh, Caveman, you are sneaky. We’re not going to have a ceremony?”

“We can have a ceremony this weekend. We need a license first.”

Back in the truck she asked, “That was your errand?”

“One of them.”

I drove us to a used car lot. I happened to know the owner. “Hey, Bill, how’s it going?”

“Pretty good, Bob. Finally gonna get rid of that pipsqueak and get you a man-sized truck?”

“No, my fiancé here is one of them there nasty pedestrians. I gotta get that fixed before I can marry her.”

“Bob, you’re a wonder. How is it your eyes ain’t brown?”

“I seem to get that question a lot, lately.”

Nikki looked around, slowly getting the idea of why we were here. Her eyes skipped over the sedans, quickly settling on the trucks and SUVs. I could tell she had found what she wanted, but she strode to a different vehicle, and started asking questions. “What kind of gas mileage would this give me? Do you have a copy of the maintenance history? Has it ever been in a wreck?”

I saw her fiddling with her watch, and knew she already had all the answers, waiting to trap Bill. I could have had some sympathy, but after all, he was a used car dealer.

After ripping Bill a new one every time he lied to her on the first three cars, she went to the one I had seen her choose at first. She knocked twenty percent off the asking price, and told him he could take it, or she would look at some more of his cars. He folded, and I cut him a check. I had him make the title out to me, since Nikki didn’t have much of a paper trail yet. He gave us an inspection, and I called my insurance to get her new car added to my policy. They were a little uptight about the principal driver being my fiancé, but when I told them the wedding was Saturday, they calmed down. The wait at the license office wasn’t too bad, only fifteen minutes.

I put her plates on, and Nikki was good to go. She said, “It was so nice of you, Bob, but why do I need my own truck?”

“For one thing, yours will carry more people than mine, so we won’t have to bug John all the time. Nearly everyone has their own vehicle around here. If you didn’t ever drive, you would stand out.”

“Makes sense, Caveman.”

“It’s about time to meet everyone for supper. Follow me over?”

“You bet.”

John’s truck was waiting for us at the restaurant. They had already gone inside. We followed, and Julie greeted us. “Hi Nikki, still haven’t traded up from this goofball?”

“Nope. He’s my kind of goofball.”

“John put you guys back in the corner. Unsweet tea for you, Bob, and what do you want to drink, Nikki?’

“How about a Coke?”

“Sounds good.”

The first thing I noticed when we got to the table was Dingus’ arm around Mrs. Mayfield. Then I saw the horror on Max’s face. John asked, “Get everything taken care of?”

“Let’s see, got a marriage license, got Nikki some wheels, got plates on it, yeah I think we’re good.”

“Busy afternoon then.”

“Speaking of which, you busy Saturday afternoon?”

“No. Do I need a tux?”

“This is coming together too fast for all that. Your blue suit will do nicely.”

“Cool. My place, I’m guessing?”

“If you don’t mind?”

“Do I have to cook?”

“Lord, no, why do you think we busted Mrs. Mayfield out?”

“Bob Wilson, when I catch you, I’m gonna tan your hide!”

“Settle down, I’m gonna talk to the restaurant about catering it.”

“Orneriness.”

We finished supper, and I set up the catering with the manager. I asked Julie to come to the wedding, but she said the best she could do was to serve, because they would be short-handed.

When we got our little convoy home, Dingus was hot to see what we had brought home the previous night. He found an autodoc John had snagged, and a small power core to run it. He loaded them up on a floating pallet, we took them back to the house. I asked John, “Dingus wants to set up your autodoc, where do you want it?”

“Can you get it down the basement steps?”

Dingus said, “Yes.” and he fiddled with a control on the pallet. It slid down the steps at a nice slow pace. We put it back in the corner, he hooked up cables and ran the self-check. When it finished he went upstairs and said, “Delilah, honey, I’m ready for you.”

“I doubt that, Old Man.”

He scooped her up, and carried her down to the autodoc. He came back up by himself and said, “She should be done by morning.”

We told Snitz goodbye and climbed aboard the freighter. When we arrived, Dingus and I started on the easiest craft to fix, while Nikki and John loaded more loot. They had a load before we had the saucer ready, so they headed home to unload. By the time they got back, we had started another one. We all kept at what we were doing until they were ready to take their third load. Nikki came over and said, “Bob, it’s going to be daylight before we can make another trip. You guys better come with us.”

“Okay. I think we better park these two over at our place. Can you drive over and pick us up?”

“Sure. Do you have your keys?”

“Yes.”

We all got down without any excitement. Dingus and I were waiting on the front porch when Nikki drove up. She said, “You bums need a ride?”

“Sure, lady. Where you headed?”

“Off to sleep, if you don’t hurry up.”

When Snitz licked me in the ear, I heard a beeping noise. I stirred to see what was going on. There was a light flashing on the autodoc, so I woke Dingus. He looked at it, and said, “These older models sometimes need a little manual input, she’s fine.”

I didn’t know if he was reassuring me, or himself, but I was up, Snitz was up, it was definitely time to see the great outdoors. I started the coffee, and went out to sit on the porch. Snitz felt the need to catch up with the wide world of smells. My mind wandered, and John had to wave the cup under my nose to get me to notice the coffee. I said, “Things sure have been exciting the last few weeks, haven’t they?”

“You got that right. I feel like we got cursed by a Chinese guy. Times don’t get a lot more interesting than this.”

“What all do we still need to deal with?”

“Well, Bob, you probably need some electricity at your new place, we need to get everything out of that base we can, and we need to see about getting Mrs. Mayfield a competency review. Oh, and you might want to call Jacob, I’m guessing you had him in mind for Saturday.”

“Gee, you’re right. I hadn’t thought about that one.”

I dug out my phone and dialed Jacob. “Jacob Crane. How can I help you?”

“Hi, Jacob. This is Bob Wilson. Are you busy Saturday?”

“I am now. I heard about your little shindig. Be glad to help.”

“Thanks. It’s at John’s. Two in the afternoon. See you then.”

I turned to John. “Well, there’s one item off your list. I’ll get the power turned on today. Do you know anything about competency hearings?”

“No, but we have an appointment at four with the sharpest lawyer I know.”

“That’ll do. Hey, I just thought of something. All that food and drink has to go somewhere, we need porta johns for Saturday.”

“I have a phone book in the house. We can find a rental place when we go in. We probably need to invite the paintball team, you know.”

“What I get for trying to put this together so fast with so much else going on. I’ll make the calls today.”

I asked John, ”How much is left in that base. You two hauled three big loads last night. Are we getting close?”

“I’d say one more good night will deal with most of it. How are the saucers going?”

“There’s one or maybe two more we can get flying. The rest are only good for parts. You think they’ll fit in the freighter, or are we going to have to strip them and haul the parts home?”

“It’s sure worth a shot to haul them home in one piece, then we could part them out as we need, instead of rushing and maybe damaging things.”

“I wonder why the Patrol is being so nice to us? Nikki made a whale of a speech, but it wasn’t that good.”

“I’d say let it ride. When they want something, they’ll ask.”

We went in and started some breakfast. Soon the tribe gathered around the table. When they were fed, I asked Dingus, “How’s it going downstairs?”

“The machine found a couple of things I didn’t expect, but she’ll be done soon.”

“Does that gadget work with old injuries?”

“Depends. What did you have in mind?”

“One of John’s hips isn’t all it should be. Could we fix that?”

“How did he hurt it?”

John said, “Roadside bomb. I was lucky I kept the leg.”

“I’m sure we can get it better than it is. It still might not be right.”

John said, “I’ll take that.”

“When do you want to do it?”

“I think Monday. Things might be calmed down a little by then.”

After breakfast, Nikki and I got cleaned up and on the road. We picked up her wedding band, and found out about getting the two joined after the ceremony. I picked out a band for myself. Actually, I picked three before I found one they didn’t have to size.

Then we got the electricity turned on at the new place. By then it was time for me to meet John for the appointment with the lawyer. Nikki took the truck home, and I rode into Springfield with John.

“So you boys are interested in a competency hearing? It’s not really a problem to make anybody look loony if you work at it.”

I said, “Nossir, you’ve got us wrong. Somebody has already done that part, and we want to change it back.”

“That’s a little more involved. It’ll take a series of interviews with multiple professionals, over the course of several weeks.”

“Could you email us the requirements, and maybe a list of people you think would be good to work with?”

“I can do that. Come back and see me when that’s done, and we’ll see about filing suit.”

I made calls all the way home, inviting people to the wedding. When I finished, I asked John, “We made a good start on your list today. What are we missing?”

“Can’t think of anything. That scares me.”

When we got back, Nikki’s truck was gone, and Dingus was sitting on the porch, playing with Snitz.

I said, “Hey, Dingus, where’s Nikki off to?”

“Her and Delilah went shopping. I’m glad you’ve got some money, sounded like they were gonna hitch up the store and drag it home.”

“Had to happen sometime. If it makes them happy, more power to ‘em. Those bounties are more money than I even know how to spend.”

“I think they’ll figure it out for you.”

“So, Mrs. Mayfield is feeling better?”

“Wait and see for yourself, I don’t think I can describe it. Woman’s messing with the language. Damn ain’t supposed to be a three-syllable word, is it?”

We wandered out to the barn to see just what goodies we had acquired. John spotted a case that he thought had a familiar shape. “Dingus, is this what I think it is?”

“Well, Son, what do you think it is? Industrial dough mixers?”

“Looks like a box of rifles to me.”

Dingus dusted off the case to read the stenciling. “Stunner, shoulder, Mark Three. I’ve used the Mark Twos, if they didn’t screw up too much, they’re good weapons.”

“Do they need a charge?”

Dingus popped the case. “Let’s see.” He pulled one out. “Sitting at ninety eight percent. If the rest of them are above ninety, we can let it ride. Oh, hey they actually made ‘em better than the Mark Twos. These have spare power packs you can swap out.”

“Show us what to look for, and we’ll help you check power levels.”

Dingus showed us the basics of stunner operation, not as fast or thorough as the machine, but no headache, either.

John said, “There’s a coat closet by the front door this case would fit in.”

We moved the guns to the house, and continued looking for goodies. I some good tools I recognized from the training sessions, and John found some medical equipment he was happy with. Dingus found something he looked concerned about. I asked, “Why so serious?”

“This is a drive suppressor. They can be dangerous close to a planet.”

“We got caught in the one the Patrol used on the base, but we were already on a trajectory to come back to Earth. How big is the field on that one? The Patrol’s was huge.”

“Hmm. How to translate units? I know, about the size of your garage.”

“That thing shuts down power cores, right? So it would kill a stealth field?”

“Yes, what are you thinking, sneaky Earthman?”

“Sooner or later, the friends of those pirates are going to show up, probably pretending to need their saucer worked on. If we have that set up in the garage, it would give us a small edge.”

“Remind me not to get on you fellas bad side. You really think there are more pirates?”

“Can we afford not to?”

“See your point. I can rig it so we can turn it on from our communicators. I’m guessing you want it in the rafters, over the center of the building?”

“That sounds best, don’t you think?”

We got out the ladder and got the suppressor mounted. Dingus set up a command on our communicators to turn it on. As we were putting tools away, my phone rang. “Bob Wilson, how can I help you?”

“Caveman, don’t you ever look who’s calling?”

“Sorry, Space Cadet. What do you need?”

“Go walk Snitz or something till we get my truck unloaded. Delilah says it’s bad luck for you to see what we bought.”

“Oh, okay. I’ll stay out of your way. See you later.”

I hung up, and told the guys, “I’m supposed to make myself scarce while they unload Nikki’s wedding dress. I’ll be in the barn when they get done.”

They both smiled, and went to the porch to wait. I wandered off to the barn to look at more stuff, not that too much of it was understandable to me.

Nikki came in smiling. “Thank you for getting Delilah out of that place. She is so much fun!”

I had a feeling I might regret the debit card I had the bank make for Nikki the day before. I asked, “Is there money left in the account, or should transfer some more?”

“We didn’t spend that much, Caveman. We just had a good time. I did buy Delilah some new clothes, she left most of her heinie in the autodoc.”

“Hope they aren’t too sexy. Your Grandpa is already mooning around.”

“They’re good for one another. She thinks she’s the one pursuing him.”

“Let’s head up to the house, I want to get some training in before supper.”

I had decided that I had put off learning their language long enough. Nikki found a course that covered basic written and spoken, rather than concentrating on either one. John gave me the shot, and when I finished, supper was ready.

Dingus asked, “So that’s it, one little shot and no aftereffects?”

“I’m still a little loopy from all that new knowledge trying to settle in, but no headache at all.”

“What kind of miracle medicine do you use?”

“Just a muscle relaxer. John can tell you a lot more about it, if you want to know.”

“A muscle relaxer? That’s all it takes?”

“Yep. I figured it out when Nikki took the language course. Her muscles were tight as could be. I rubbed them out for her, and the headache went away.”

“All those times I took a down day because I couldn’t move without wanting to puke, and all it takes is a muscle relaxer. Who’s from the high-tech society, again?”

“You give us too much credit. We’re just wimps who don’t like pain. Let’s eat.”

Delilah had whipped up some amazing eats. We all told her so, repeatedly. She said, “You’re just all glad you didn’t have to cook, for a change.”

“No ma’am. You are an artist in the kitchen, a talent rarely seen by mortal men.”

“Bob Wilson, are you sure you’re not wearing blue contacts?”

John lost it so bad I thought he might pass out. The Slongums looked to Nikki, who was on her watch, again. She said, “Oh! She implied he’s so full of shit his eyes are brown, and he hides it with colored contact lenses!” At which point they joined in the laughter. Once the fuss died down, I asked, “So, Max, what were you up to today? didn’t see much of you.”

“I inventoried what you folks brought back last night. Then I checked into values on the used market. This stuff adds up to at least as much as the rewards, and you haven’t finished clearing the place out. We made a haul.”

John said, “I wonder what the Patrol wants in return?”

Dingus replied, “They’ll let you know, have no fear. That’s a problem for another day. It’s getting dark.”

I asked, “So, Mrs. Mayfield, are you staying with Max?”

“Call me Delilah, and Nikki printed me out a suit just like the rest of you bozos. You think I’m gonna pass on a chance to go to the Moon? Ain’t you got no sense, Boy?”

“Once again, I have received the wisdom of my elders. Least she didn’t smack me upside the head.”

“I’m still debating on that. I’d hate to damage what little brains you got.”

I held my hand out to Dingus, “You’re a brave man, sir.”

He shook and answered, “Like yours is a pussycat.”

We loaded up on the freighter and headed out. With Delilah organizing, things went quicker. The three of them had cleared out the base and returned for a fourth load by the time Dingus and I had one saucer ready to go. Dingus found the pieces to another cargo deck stored aboard the freighter. He and the robots rigged it, and we were able to get all the junk saucers in one trip. He and Delilah rode down in the saucer we had worked on, and the rest of us took the freighter to our new farm to unload the junk. Unloading wasn’t quite as smooth without a hard floor to work with, but we were finished and had the freighter back in John’s barn by sunup.

We all crashed, tired from our busy night. Dingus didn’t join us in the basement this time.

Entirely too early in the afternoon, I felt a cold nose in my ear. It must be time to make sure the outdoors was still there. Some other dog might have snuck off with it while we were asleep, you know. Regardless of Snitz’s rush, I started coffee on my way out. We met Delilah returning from the edge of the woods. “You two forgot to fix the bathroom on that saucer.”

“We needed to get it home. Now we have plenty of time to fix the things we left. There’s Nikki’s rig, or you could of come in the house.”

“Tell you the truth, Bob, I’m so happy to be able to squat again, it was more like a celebration. Thanks for everything you’ve done for me.”

“My pleasure, Delilah.”

By the time Snitz and I got back to the house, John was trying to read the secrets of the universe in a cup of coffee. I got a cup and sat with him. “Those are deep thoughts, partner. How screwed are we?”

“Actually, things seem to be coming together. You know what that means.”

“The solid waste is approaching the ventilation impeller at high velocity?”

“That’s what I think, but I don’t know what to prepare for.”

“We’re working all the problems we know about, including a pirate attack. I’m thinking we need to scam the paintball team into getting certified ‘acceptable contact’, so we can use them for security. Heck, if we catch more pirates, they could all split the bounties. Other than that, unless we buy some backdated signatures, Delilah’s problem is going to take time to solve. We’ve got the base cleaned out, so that’s not an issue anymore. We will have to find out how to get salvage titles for the saucers we got working so we can sell them, but that’s a problem for Nikki’s folks, not us. Keeping the lid on secrets tomorrow may be tricky, but I think we can probably handle that. What else are you worried about?”

“That’s just it. I don’t have a logical reason to worry. I just have a bad feeling.”

“We’ve got a good team. When it happens, we’ll all do the best we can. Do you really want to be the pirate that tries to face down Delilah?”

“Nossir, not at all.”

We got up to start breakfast, but when we got inside, we found Delilah already at it.

John said, “You know I was kidding about having to cook to stay here, right?”

“I was awake, and you boys looked middlin’ serious out there. If I went back to that saucer, I wouldn’t make it in the house before dark. Sleeping a hundred years gives a man an appetite, yes it does.”

I said, “Lord knows we’re happy for you two, but some things we just don’t need to know, ma’am.”

“If the saucer’s rockin’, don’t bother knockin’”

“Right back at you, come tomorrow night.”

She asked, “I know you’re not religious, Bob, why are you waiting? You know that girl would climb you like a tree.”

“Well, at first it was more about she wasn’t from around here, and I didn’t want to upset her. I got in the habit, and then it got to be a way to tease her. More like it just fell that way, not like I had a plan. Besides, she’s wound up enough now I won’t get any sleep for a week. How’s that a bad thing?”

“I don’t suppose it is, but things just seem to fall funny around you. Your luck ever turns, we’re all in a world of hurt.”

“John and I are doing our best to keep things going right. If you see us screwing up, tell us. We’re making it up as we go along, but we’re both worried about what comes next, ‘cause it’s gone so good so far.”

“Dammit, Bob, I think I have you all figured out, and then you go and say something grown up.”

Dingus eased around the corner, obviously having listened in. “Bob, it’s good to be concerned about what may happen next, but all you can do is the best you can. Now tell me how you met my granddaughter.”

I told him the story of finding her in my garage, and by the time I was done, Delilah laid a plate of hash in front of me, with an over easy egg on top. “Thank you, ma’am”

She turned around and shook her butt. “You telling me you are going to ma’am that butt?”

“No. But I’m fresh out of dollar bills.”

“I ain’t worth a five?”

“Never said that. Dingus is sitting right here, and I’ve seen him shoot. Don’t want to give him no cause for concern.”

“Even when you’re ornery, you’re a silver-tongued devil. I ain’t never seen the like.”

After breakfast, no one had anything pressing to do, so the gents drifted out to the porch with another cup of coffee. The ladies were discussing something to do with the wedding, and our lack of expertise was glaring. I said, “Dingus, you are mighty good with those guns from the cellar, but modern ammo would ruin them real quick. Besides, we have something called smokeless powder that burns a lot cleaner than your old black. Would you consider an upgrade?”

“I’ve been thinking about that myself, but you two keep acting jumpy, like pirates are gonna jump out of every bush, and I don’t want to get caught with something I haven’t trained with.”

“Those are good guns, and you’re not the only one that thinks so. You can get the exact same guns, in better steel, chambered for modern rounds. They load a little slower than the modern stuff, but the way you shoot, I can’t imagine you have to reload much.”

“You a mind reader, too, Bob?”

“How do you mean?”

“I’ve been thinking that I’d like to stay with what I know, at least for now.”

“Let’s get cleaned up and head to town.”

John decided it sounded like fun, so we took his rig. Max wasn’t interested, but Snitz wanted to ride along. He took advantage of the window being down to browse the doggy internet, picking up all kinds of new smells.

We rented a couple of pistols and some ear protection, and Dingus set out to find his new friends.

John stayed to help Dingus, and I went back out to take care of Snitz. I bought a cheap logo Frisbee from the gun store, and we found a field to play fetch. Snitz actually got tired and we sat in the shade to wait. Before long, they came out with armloads of goodies, and the proprietor trying to sign Dingus up for a cowboy action shoot. We loaded the Jeep, and headed back out to John’s.

“What did you wind up with, Dingus?”

“A couple of Colt copies, and an Uberti 73, all in 357.”, John answered for him.

“They had a belt almost identical to his old one, with smaller loops. Lots of ammo, of course.”, he continued.

“So, Dingus, they shoot okay for you?”

“The fella that ran the place thought I was running the targets out too far for a pistol. He don’t think so no more. You have any whetstones, Bob? These have a few rough spots.”

“I’ve got some in my toolbox, Dingus.”

“What about a couple little leather scraps? Maybe a punch?”

John said, “I’ve got those.”

We got home, and John and I found what he needed. He laid newspaper down on the kitchen table, to protect it, and went to work. It was a joy to watch a master. By supper, he had all his weapons like he wanted them, and the mess picked up.

At supper, Nikki asked, “So, how did you fellas big shopping trip go?”

“We got what we went after.”, I replied.

“Nothing extra?”

“Well, Snitz got a Frisbee.”

She messed with her watch and looked up, confused, “He can throw one of those?”

“No, but he can chase it, and when he gets some practice, he’ll probably be able to catch it. Good exercise for him. See how mellow he is now?”

“Because he’s tired, you mean?”

“Yes, indeed.”

After supper, there was a little daylight left, and Dingus asked John if he had any bottles for targets. John brought out a box of clay pigeons. We even talked Max into going down to John’s range with us. Dingus balanced ten pigeons on top of John’s target racks. He made sure everyone was clear, and proceeded to do something I thought only happened in movies. He drew his right pistol, fanned it empty, holstered it, drew his left, and did likewise. No pigeons were left. Dingus said, “They’ll do, I think.” He picked up his rifle and tried John’s far spinner target. He hit, but wasn’t satisfied, He tapped the sight with a hammer handle, and tried again. “There we go.” He then proceeded to get all John’s spinners going at once. I had seen the look on Delilah’s face before, but it was on a nun, in the middle of a service.

Snitz took care of business on the way back, and we all went to bed. Big day tomorrow.

I woke to Snitz whining, and my communicator beeping. I answered it, “Bob Wilson, this better be good.”

“Bob, it’s Lyla. Can you open me a place to park?”

“Sure. Nikki didn’t mention you were coming for the wedding. Can you track this communicator?”

“Sure can. What’s up?”

“I’m going to have you park over at the other place. It’s kind of crowded here.”

“Let me know when you’re ready.”

Nikki moaned, “Come back to bed, Caveman, you’re warm.”

“Gotta go help Lyla park. I’’ll be back.”

I got dressed, told Snitz to stay, and drove over to the other place. Once I had the barn doors open, I told Lyla to come on in.

“Hi, Bob, how are you doing?”

“Good, Lyla, how about you?”

“Fine I think. What’s a maid of honor?”

“You just have to stand by Nikki at the ceremony and look nice.”

“Ceremony? Will there be burning sheep guts?”

“She told you to say that, didn’t she?”

“Yeah. She thought it would be funny.”

“It takes a lot to get a laugh this time of day.”

I locked the barn, and we started for the truck. I saw the cellar, and said, “You know, you should probably come back in the daytime and get some pictures of that. I think it would make a good story, if you can get Dingus to tell it.”

“Dingus?”

“Nikki’s Grandpa. I think you’ll like him.”

“You mean Dingolus Slongum, the famous lost Guide? He’s here?”

“No, he’s over at John’s, shacked up with his new girlfriend.”

“Nikki’s right, you are an asshole.”

When we got back, I showed Lyla the extra cot in the basement, and went back to bed. A few hours later, Snitz decided it was time to go make sure that evil saucer last night hadn’t stolen his outdoors. Important business taken care of, I cleaned the coffeemaker and started a pot. There was a sunrise that needed watching while it brewed. Dingus and Delilah came wandering up, grinning. “So today is the big day, huh, Bob?”

“Yep, sure is Delilah. Any advice?”

“My Bill always said, ‘If you don’t need a smoke on your wedding day, you don’t have a clue what you’re getting into.’”

“So these nerves are a good thing?”

“You are going to promise that girl you’ll have her back forever, no matter what. That’s a big deal, Bob.”

“Thanks, Delilah. Hey, Dingus, I think trouble rolled in for you last night.”

“How so?”, He said, reaching for the pistol he wasn’t wearing.

“Nikki’s maid of honor is a reporter. She’s probably going to want to write your story while she’s here.”

“Oh, yeah. Nikki mentioned something about that. Public relations, all in the duty of a Guide.”

“So, you’re going back to the Guide after all this time?”

“I’ll have to go back to file my mission report, and put in my retirement papers. Besides, Delilah wants to see where I come from. We won’t be gone long, though. I like it here. I will need some help, when you get time.”

“How’s that?”

“All my mission files are on my saucer. It’s hidden in the bottom of a pond on that place you bought. We’ll have to bring it up.”

“You used the power core for your chamber, right? So we’ll have to raise it with the cargo bots?”

“Sounds about right. It’s probably stuck pretty good after a hundred years in the mud.”

Delilah spoke up, “You mean that old pond way on the back of the place? I used to go skip rocks there when I was a little girl.”

Dingus said, “That’s the one.”

“I always thought it should be deeper, for as big as it was. I guess a saucer in the bottom would explain a lot.”

I said, “Coffee should be ready, if anybody’s interested.”, and got up to get a cup. They agreed it was that time of day, so we all got cups and went back to the porch to keep from waking anyone else. Eventually, Zombie John wandered out, holding his cup like a religious icon. He said, “Morning is such a wonderful thing. Shame they put it at such an inconvenient time.”

“Adventures catching up to you?”, I asked.

“Hip kept me from sleeping very well. I’m ready for things to ease up a little so I can take a day in the autodoc.”

“Did you really just talk about things easing up, out loud? Murphy is gonna get you for that.”

“I know. I’m still asleep. It was a slip of the tongue.”

Dingus asked, “Murphy? If he’s Irish, give him a beer, he’ll leave you alone.”

Delilah replied, “No, dear, we have a thing called Murphy’s Law. ‘Whatever can go wrong, will, and at the worst possible time.’ Bob thinks John is tempting Murphy to come and show them the error in their ways.”

“Sounds sensible, but I hadn’t ever heard it put like that before. Still have a lot to learn, I suppose.”

“We’ll get it, Old Man.”, Delilah said.

Lyla came wandering out, saying, “I think coffee is the thing I like best about this planet. Good morning, folks.”

I stood, “Dingus, Delilah, this is Lilacrious Bongwater, scourge of pirates and reporter extraordinaire. Lyla, meet Dingolus Slongum and Delilah Mayfield.”

Delilah said, “Lyla and Delilah, not confusing at all, do you think? What did you say her last name was, Bob? I can’t have heard right.”

“You heard right. We’ve been trying not to bring that up. You get to explain it to her, since you’re the one who slipped.”

“Oh. My goodness, where to start. Dear, one of our primitive customs is to burn certain plants and inhale the smoke. Some people find that smoke too harsh, and use a device called a water pipe, or hookah, to filter the smoke. When such a device is used to consume a certain very intoxicating herb, it is colloquially known as a bong. The water inside collects the harsh chemicals from the smoke, and becomes somewhat nasty. It is known as bong water. I hope I didn’t offend.”

“Oh my goodness, I see now why these fellows are always so careful to refer to me as Lyla. You didn’t offend, you explained it very well, thank you.”

I looked at John and asked, “Did Delilah just get promoted from cook to Public Relations?”

John answered, “I believe she did. I never could have conceived of explaining bong water with anything like that kind of class.”

Delilah turned a little red and said, “You boys and your compliments. You just want me to get up and start breakfast.”

I said, “No, m…, I mean no, Delilah, one of us can get it.”

“And eat bachelor cooking? I’ve got higher standards than that. Come on, Lyla, let’s show these turkeys how it’s done.”

John spoke up, “You’re a lucky man, Dingus, that woman is a force of nature.”

“That she is. It’s worth waking up in a whole new world to find her waiting for me.”

“So, Dingus, how did you get so good with a gun?”

“The enhanced reflexes package the autodoc can give you doesn’t hurt a thing, and I had quite a bit of practice on this planet before I decided no one was coming to get me, and I might as well climb in the chamber till someone showed up.”

John said, “Enhanced reflexes, you say. How much extra time in the box does that cost?”

“It can be done at the same time as the work on your hip, so I wouldn’t think much. If you’re like Delilah, though, the box will find other things to fix while you’re inside, and that will take extra time. Why, you got a hot date someplace?”

“I just don’t want to be down longer than necessary. Who knows what could happen around this joint?”

“Bob and I can handle what comes up. Get the help you need, so you can at least sleep nights.”

“It’s hard to lean on people after so long on my own.”

“You’ve got a good crew here to help you through it. Don’t worry so much, John.”

Lyla came to the door and said, ”Dee says breakfast is ready.”

As we wandered into the kitchen, I asked, ”Dee?”

Delilah answered, ”You boys are just itching to get confused, and that’s not going to happen. From now on, I’m Dee, and she’s Lyla, got it?”.

Before I thought, years of habit kicked in. “Yes, ma’am.” I knew I was in trouble when I heard myself say it. She turned around to give me another dose of the booty shake. Things got completely out of hand when John pressed a dollar bill into my hand. It just seemed to magically find its way into her hip pocket, before I had time to think. She said, “Well, at least I got a tip this time.” She turned and kissed my cheek, and said, “Come on, it’s getting cold.”

John laughed, “At least you got a bachelor party.”

I asked, “Hey, where are Nikki and Max?”

Lyla said, “They’re in the basement. I think Max is trying to talk her out of this primitive ritual.”

There must have been something in my coffee that morning, I was talking before thinking. “He doesn’t like the smell of sheep guts burning?” Luckily, Dingus hadn’t gotten his coffee cup to his mouth yet, or he would have spewed everywhere. When he started moving air again, he said, “Boy, you ain’t right! I sure am glad Nikki is going to take the hit for humanity, to keep the rest of us safe.”

John said, “She deserves a humanitarian award.”

Dee said, “The friggin’ Nobel Prize.”

I replied, “It’s so nice to be appreciated.”

Nikki and Max came up from the basement about then. Nikki asked, “What’s so funny?”

Lyla said, “Your man is letting his mouth run away with him this morning.”

Nikki replied, “So it’s one of those days that end in ‘Y’?”

“Exactly.”

Nikki got more serious, and asked Dingus, “Grandpa, Dad isn’t comfortable with ‘giving me away’ at the wedding. Would you walk me down the aisle?”

“It would be my honor, little girl. John, do we need to run back to town for a white shotgun?”

“Nossir. I’ve got a nice old double barrel, and some snow camo tape, I can fix you right up.”

Having finished my plate, I stood up. “I think Snitz needs to play Frisbee, get rid of some energy before people show up.”

Dee snarled, “Coward!”

“Outnumbered, outgunned, appears to me, discretion is the better part of valor.”

Snitz was getting better. He caught it in the air a couple of times. John wandered out and said, “A few months of practice, and you’ll have to get him a bandana to wear for a collar, so he can be stylin’ like the other Frisbee dogs.”

“Is there a reason you think I need nightmares?”

“All part of the service. You nervous yet?”

“Call me Rex.”

“Dee told Max how the cow ate the cabbage, I think he may be a little less of a pain for the rest of the day.”

“Hope you’re right. The last thing Nikki needs is him causing a fuss. What did he think would happen when he brought her back?”

“Apparently he thought it was just a silly fling, and she would get over it.”

“I sure am glad that didn’t happen.”

“Me too, to tell you the truth. I haven’t seen you this happy and motivated since I’ve known you.”

The truck from the rental place showed up, and we helped them unload. They set up the porta johns and left. We started with the stage and the chairs. Max and Dingus came out to help.

About the time we finished, Dee came out saying lunch was ready. Nobody ma’amed her, thankfully. The whole idea of a lady who was seventy a couple of days ago being built like a brick shithouse was still trying to find a place to live in my brain.

Fortunately, Dee and Lyla had made plenty, because Jacob showed up early. After lunch we all cleaned up and got ready. Nikki stayed downstairs, to avoid the bad mojo. Jacob asked about vows, and I told him to be dang sure to leave out anything about obey, unless he wanted a demonstration of Nikki’s temper. The caterers showed up and started getting their stuff arranged.

John and I went out to see if they needed anything, and to say hi to Julie. She asked, “You sure about this, Bob?”

“Sure as I’ve ever been, Julie.”

“You’ll do fine.”

I noticed Dingus’ watch placed in a tree, to record the event.

Guests began to arrive. Nikki had invited more people than I realized, just about everyone we had done business with the last few days. Even Bill from the car lot showed up. Jack came up to me and said, “You got a nice turnout.”

“You know Nikki. Makes friends wherever she goes.”

“You going to be awake enough for paintball tomorrow?”

“There’s always coffee. I’m more worried about John. His hip has been acting up.”

Finally, it was time to get things started. Jacob and I went up on the stage. Dee started the music, and John came down the aisle with Lyla on one arm, and Snitz’s leash in the other hand. He squired Lyla to her spot, and he and Snitz came to stand by me. I was ever so glad I had exercised Snitz that morning. The wedding march started, and Dingus brought Nikki out of the house. Someone must have put a broomstick under my jaw, because I’m sure it was on the floor. I’d never seen her in anything but work clothes. She looked amazing. Then I saw what Dingus had over his other shoulder. John and he really had put white camo tape over the stock on John’s old double twelve. Jacob made a nice little talk about how serious and important marriage is, and then we did our vows. I nearly dropped Nikki’s ring when John handed it to me, I was so nervous. Nikki got mine from Lyla with nary a bobble. When Jacob said, “I now pronounce you husband and wife, Dingus aimed for the sky, and let go one barrel of the shotgun. When he and John had time to brew up confetti loads, I don’t know, but it worked great. He touched off the second barrel when we started back up the aisle.

We had the receiving line, and that was the first time I realized someone had gotten my mom to come. Since Dad died, I called every week, and showed up Christmas and Thanksgiving, but we weren’t what you might call close. She did do the mom thing though, “A shotgun, huh. Does this mean grandkids are coming soon?”

“It was just a joke, Mom, but we’ll be sure and work on that for you.”

It took Nikki a second to catch, and then she slapped me on the shoulder and said, “Not unless you treat your Mother better, we won’t!”

Mom laughed, “He did well, Nikki. Did he roofie you, or what?”

“Just helped me out with some car trouble.”

After the line was finished, Julie rolled out a cake. We cut it, and everyone had a slice. Dee had come up with a sound system somehow, and got organized for dancing. We had the first dance, showing Nikki just how coordinated I’m not. Things progressed through the afternoon, and we fed them and sent them home. John and I changed clothes, and helped pack up the caterers and the rental equipment. The truck wasn’t supposed to be back till morning, but better to be ready than not. Once things were more or less squared away, I asked Dingus, “How long would it take for John to get what he needs in the autodoc?”

“Shouldn’t be over eight hours, unless he has some nasty congenital condition we don’t know about.”

John said, “I know that look, Bob.”

“Come on, John, go ahead and get it done. You’ll feel better for sure.”

“You sure things will be okay tonight?”

“I’ve got something to fight for, now. Nothing bad is getting by me.”

“Okay.”

Dingus took him to the basement., and Nikki and I slipped off to her saucer. “Bob, you told your mother we would practice till we got this right. I expect you to live up to your word.”

Several times that night I asked, “So, was that right?”, and got the answer, “No, Caveman, I think you better try again.”

I had set an alarm to be up in time to help load the truck from the rental place, so I woke up and stumbled off for coffee. I was working on my second cup when Nikki found me. “Running around on me already? Left me at home alone, to carouse with some hussy with a tight butt?”

“She had coffee.”

“Well, that’s different. Where’s my cup?”

Dee handed her a cup, and said, “You do realize it’s paintball today, don’t you? We’ll see who’s a painted hussy when we’re through.”

I slid my chair back, to get out from between those two. That didn’t work. They ganged up on me and tickled me mercilessly. Dingus wandered up from the basement and asked, “Which primitive custom is this?”

Dee replied, “This would be the tickle fight. No more than Bob deserves, I’m sure.”

“I see. John should be up in about thirty minutes.”

He walked around us, and got a cup of coffee. Dee and Nikki finally decided I was properly chastised, and let me up. Dee asked, “So, Space Cadet, was he worth the wait?”

“Snagfart, Yes!!”

When John wandered up from the basement, he was grinning from ear to ear. “I haven’t felt this good in I don’t know when. Thanks, Dingus.”

“Least I could do, you’ve let us invade your place, and stay around like unemployed in-laws.”

After breakfast, I realized all my paintball gear was at my house in town. Also, we had too many people for what gear we had. “Hey, Space Cadet, can you drive us to town? We need to get a few things for this afternoon.”

“Sure, Caveman, did you forget how?”

“If we take your rig, we can put everything inside, and not worry about it blowing out.”

John asked, “Are you picking up extra equipment for everybody?”

“Thought I better. We don’t have enough for all of us to play.”

“Sounds good. Can you get some jugs of different colored ammo while you’re there?”

“Sure.”

Dee said, “If you’re going to town, you better go by the grocery store. We’re feeding a bunch of folks.” She gave me a list.

We went by my old place, the neighbor was out in the yard, so we had to stop and show off our rings. We got what gear I had, and grabbed a few other items that might come in handy. I needed to get around to actually moving, sometime soon.

Luckily, our little town had a pretty good sporting goods store, and we were able to get what we needed to equip our little tribe. We got John paintballs in every color they had.

Space Cadet, being used to eating machine processed goop, was in heaven in the grocery store. We wound up with several things that weren’t on Dee’s list. We did, however, get everything that was, so we might avoid the wrath of Dee.

We had enough people at John’s to form a line and just pass things in, instead of carrying them. Jack had arrived early, as had Jacob. John and Jack were hinting to Jacob that he needed to take the test, but he hadn’t caught on yet. I said, “It’s like this, Jacob. We’ve got a lot of cool stuff going on around here these days, but we can’t tell you about it till you take the test. We’re all busting at the seams to say something, so go take the test so we can.”

John handed him the Motrin bottle before he drew up the shot. “You don’t have to have the Motrin, but you’re likely to get a bad headache otherwise.”

Dingus spoke up, “Believe him, Reverend, I’ve had the ache before, and it’s not something you want.”

Jacob agreed, and he passed with flying colors. “So what’s the big secret?”

I took him down to the barn, and showed him our collection of salvage. “So there really are aliens? What do they look like?”

“A lot like Nikki, or Dingus, or Max. Even Lyla.”

“You married an alien?”

“She’s the best woman I ever met. It just doesn’t matter what planet she was born on.”

“This will take some getting used to.”

“Tell me about it. Our cook, Delilah? She was seventy till Dingus took a shine to her and put her in the autodoc. I’m hanging on for all I’m worth, but this ride has been a lot longer than anybody’s eight seconds.”

“Why you guys?”

“Nikki had saucer trouble and was in my garage trying to fix it when I got home one Friday. I helped her out, and everything blew up from there. Any excuse I have sounds like ‘I didn’t know it was loaded’.”

“She got lucky finding you, Bob.”

“How you figure that?”

“Anybody that wasn’t as straight arrow as you would have taken advantage of the situation, one way or another.”

I locked the barn, and we went back to the house. Julie had showed up, lunch rush was light for some reason. Nikki talked her into the test, and she passed. Just as she finished, NotherBob pulled in. Hey, I’m glad I was in the group first. Jacob took him aside, and he agreed to be tested. He also had flying colors. Jason was the last to show up, but he was still early. We got him tested, and cleared. Dingus gave us all a nice lecture on who they were and where they come from. Then we all went down to the barn and had a show and tell with the salvage. Then we went back to the house to suit up. We tried to get Max to join in, but he wasn’t interested. Then came picking teams. Girls against boys left the ladies one short, so we spotted them Dingus to even things out. Bad mistake, between Dingus and Nikki, we had no chance. Dee was a darn good shot too. After a while, it got to be a course on tactics and maneuver, taught by our very own Professor Dingus. We learned a great deal, until the class was cut short by Max running out, yelling. “We’ve got a saucer coming in, but it sounds suspicious. Listen to what they said.” He played the recording, and he was right, it didn’t sound kosher. We ran to the house to swap weapons, and Max ran up the garage door and kept talking them in. Dingus was on his communicator, ready to shut down their power as soon as they landed. We took up positions in the corners of the garage, and hid behind whatever cover we could. They came in, with their stealth splotching in and out a little, and wobbly. It might have been a good plan, but we were already suspicious. They touched down, Max started the door down, and Dingus killed their drive all in about one breath. The saucer door opened, and four guys stormed out with rifles. It’s hard to tell, since the stunners we were using don’t leave marks, but I think all of them caught at least two bolts. Dingus hollered, in Galactic, “Come out with your hands up, and I’ll see to it you don’t wind up in these primitives stew pot.”

He got no takers. John tapped me on the shoulder and handed me a flash bang. We flanked the door on opposite sides. John pulled his pin, and I followed his lead. He signed three, two, one, and we threw. We rolled away and covered our ears. As soon as the sound died out, we were inside stunning the pilot and another fellow who must have been the boss. We got busy tying them up, before the stunners wore off, and Max got on the communicator to the Patrol. I looked at John and said, “Now we know what they wanted from us. We’re the bait.”

“I do believe you are right, good sir.”

It was a new thing, being able to understand the prisoners cussing the ‘damn primitives’. I began to wish I had waited a few days to study the language. Sooner than I would have expected, Snitz alerted on an incoming saucer. I hadn’t thought to put him on his leash, and he ran off. Nikki was upset. “Caveman, we have to go get him!”

“He won’t want to come back till the Patrol is gone, anyway. Let him run, he’ll be back when he gets hungry.”

“If you’re sure, Caveman.”

“He’s used to living here, now. He won’t go far.”

The Patrol showed up, with their usual park in the drive and let it idle. Snitz definitely would not be back till they left. A squad of troopers got out, weapons at the ready. Their leader called out, “Lay your weapons down, now!”

I could tell Dingus was not happy, but he laid down his weapon when the rest of us did. Then he held his hands in the air and approached the troopers. “Halt!”

“I am Major Dingolus Slongum, of the Guides, the next word out of your mouth damn well better be a ‘Sir’.”

“Sir, Major Slongum was lost many years ago. I’m afraid I don’t believe you.”

“Check your scanner, you uppity punk!”

He looked, while his troops kept Dingus covered. “Sir, I’m sorry, I had no way of knowing.”

“So you just come in here and assume these good people, who I might add, have been doing your job for you, are criminals?”

“It’s procedure, Sir.”

“Get your prisoners and start the paperwork for these people’s bounty payments. If you’re quick about it, I might forget this little incident when I write my report.”

“Yes, Sir.”

All the prisoners turned out to have bounties, which made everything smoother. The pilot only had a half ounce, and that got him laughed at by the rest of them. “Half an ounce, you steal candy from a baby, did you?”

He turned red, but didn’t say anything. Dingus had picked his weapon up, so we all did likewise. We stood and watched while the pirates were scanned and loaded. The sergeant came up to Dingus, and said, “Sir, I’m sorry about the confusion earlier. We were told that pirates would be in control of this place, and we would have to subdue them. Obviously, my superiors underestimated you and these folks. Where should we send the bounties?”

I spoke up, “John and I have more than we can spend from the last round. Please split it up among the new acceptable contacts. They will need similar arrangements for accessing the funds, I’m sure.”

The sergeant spoke again, “The last round? Are you the fellas that found the pirate base?”

John said, “That’s us.”

“Headquarters could brief us on this stuff before they send us out. Sure would cut down on misunderstandings.”

“No hard feelings. We would’ve been uptight about being greeted by an armed posse, just like you were. Come by and have a beer sometime when you can park inside and shut down. The noise bothers our dog.”

“Dog? what’s that?’

Dingus said, “It’s in the advanced culture pack, but I’d take it here if I was you. These boys know how to get it done without the headache.”

“Snagfart, I’ve got to get to know you fellas. Sergeant Mikolec Darning, at your service.”

John said, “Nice to meet you. Dee, you’re up!”

I said, “Nice to meet you. I’m Bob Wilson, and this is John Branham. Here comes Dee Mayfield, she’s got something to explain to you.”

Dee asked, “What’s up. John?”

“The sergeant’s last name is Darning. I thought it best if you explain why people are going to grin when he introduces himself.”

“Well, Sergeant, on our primitive planet, the word darning describes a process for repairing socks when they have become worn. This bunch of idiots will snatch up any excuse for a joke, so even if they don’t say anything, you can be sure there is evil afoot in their minds.”

“Sounds like most of the Patrol. I wonder, are you seeing anyone?”

“Yes, I am. Once you see the Major shoot, I fear all such thoughts will leave your mind.”

“Nice to meet you all. I really must be going.”

He didn’t break into a run to get back to the saucer, but you could tell he was aware he had stepped in the fox piss.

Dee batted her eyes and said shyly, “Oh, my, was it something I said?”.

The crew managed to hold their laughter until the saucer door closed, but it was a near thing.

Dingus said, “Young Mike seems to have remembered an urgent appointment.”

Lyla said, “Speaking of appointments, Sir, when could I get an interview with you?”

“Now’s fine with me.”

“Could we go over to the cellar, so you can explain things to me?”

Dee interjected, “If I come along.”

Lyla said, “Of course.”

John spoke up, “I can drive you over, if you like.”

Dingus replied, “Sounds good, let me get my old weapons, I’m sure she’ll need pictures of those.”

I gave John the cellar key, and said, “If you get the chance, can you get Dee or Dingus to show you that pond? I’d like to know what it’s going to take to raise his saucer.”

“Sure.”

They got loaded up and took off. The paintball crew decided it was about suppertime, and I told them I would bring their account documents as soon as the Patrol couriered them in. They drove off, leaving Nikki and I sitting on the porch. Max was in the house doing something. Soon enough, Snitz wandered back and came up wanting pets. “See, there he is.”

“Just like you said, Caveman. I still have a lot to learn.”

“Me too, Space Cadet, me too.”